Another childless Christmas....

I'm not sure how many more of these I can take. It gets harder and harder to pass any kind of milestone but Christmas....Christmas is for children. Toy commercials every other minute, pretty little Christmas dresses and handsome miniature Christmas suits jumping out at you in every store. Songs about Santa and Rudolph and Frosty. I know...."Jesus is the reason for the season" but the advertisers sure know how to make an infertile feel extra sad about not being a parent. Not to mention all the little kids at church who are asleep on the parent's shoulder or crawling under the pew to say hello or the ones being dragged from store to store in search of the perfect gift. All of this serves as a reminder of what's missing and it makes for a sad time of year. Sure, I have moments of joy. I just know that there is a way for my heart to be bursting with joy every minute...wanna guess what that is?

It's no secret that I have lost my way. My faith has been shattered, my beliefs shaken to the core. I haven't been to church (except on Christmas simply because of family obligations)since my miscarriage. I am still angry with God. I try to beilieve but I'm so confused. I was at church on Christmas Eve with my husband and my family. We were at my Grandma's church....a church I had been to so many times as a child. She was so happy to have her whole family together and I let my heart open up a bit. I did ask God for a sign at mass. A sign that everything would work out and that we would have our miracle...a healthy baby. I told Him I needed it to restore my faith.

I didn't get a sign at that moment....not even that night. H & I did see something on Christmas that immediately brought tears to my eyes, though.

Check this out!

That's a full rainbow. Neither of us had ever seen a rainbow like that before. We saw where it began and where it ended. It may be kind of corny but my heart wants to believe that this was God's way of telling me that we will be parents...that there is an end in sight. It's like when Noah saw the rainbow and he knew there would never be another flood. For now, it is comforting me.

I know I usually don't get too religious, but I felt it was important to explain. Thanks for reading.

Truly WTF

My RE blew me off. We had a WTF phone consult scheduled for 3pm. H even left work early so he could be home. We got a call at 3:15 from Dr. D's Assistant saying he was running late. And we waited...and waited...and waited. H started snoring around 4:20 but I was still hopeful....sometimes Dr. D calls later in the evening...sometimes on a Saturday. I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt but I'm still waitin' for that phone call. I am not the type of girl who would ever sit by the phone but that's just what I did. Just another blow to my faith.

So, I'm beyond pissed right now. I'm having H call to reschedule because I will flip my shit. I know he is going to tell us to move on to DE. I just need to hear it and move on...with life, not necessarily treatments. I would like to hear what our options are, though. Maybe this is a sign that I should just stop everything and not even look into other options....we are probably not meant to be parents. But for now, I can only speculate and obsess.

Still seeing spots...

in my underwear. Well, in my pantyliners. I should seriously buy stock in some maxi company ...I could get rich... or at least some nice dividends considering the amount of product I am using. Day 13 and the bleeding has still not completely stopped. WTF?

Speaking of WTF...mine is the 8th. H arranged a conference call with Dr. D. I just can't drive to the city again for such an unhappy occasion. I hope I can get all my questions answered and that I can get some kind of closure. Although, if I have learned anything from this nasty infertility business, it's that the answers don't come easy and your heart doesn't care if there is an easy answer it does not want to hear.

Stay tuned for the update......

Just when I thought I was done seeing red...

...I start bleeding again! I have never had this kind of confusion with my cycle before. I'm starting to get really frustrated. I stopped bleeding yesterday afternoon (after 10 days of non stop blood loss)but now...it's back. Salt. in. wounds.

I'm still so confused and angry and I feel like I'm drowning. My mind is just all over the place. One minute I think we should try again,the next minute I think we should do DE or embryo adoption. I am not sharing any of this with my husband, since he is not interested in moving forward with anything but living child free. He has simply hit the wall. We are moving further and further apart and that adds to my sadness. We have been close through everything so far but right now we don't know how to comfort each other or to find meaning in our life together. I just hope that in time we will be able to fix this.

When it rains, it pours

Why is it that every time something bad happens it has a snowball effect? I feel like I am constantly being kicked when I am down. Not only am on on my 6th and final failed IVF cycle and trying to figure out how to live child free but everything seems to be crashing down around me. Work is awful...I have some serious issues with my boss right now. You already know that H's SIL is pregnant and I uninvited them to my house for Thanksgiving...H's parents are not very happy about that. I also just found out my sister who is dating a man who is still married just bought a house. (She kept telling me as soon as she buys a house she is going to TTC). Just what I need...another pregnancy in my face. I cannot even bring myself to be around her or anyone else in my family or H's family. It's far too painful for me to see everyone around me blessed with what I want most in the world but will never have.

I'm seriously trying hard to figure out what I have done that is so bad in my life to deserve the shit that is thrown at me. I have not really had much happiness. I try to smile and pretend like I have a great life but it's been pretty tough and I just don't have the strength left. I spent so many years having surgery after surgery. My Crohn's put stress on every job I ever had...bosses started to get irritated about me taking time off for medical leave. It ruined every wedding I was ever in...including my own. I couldn't even have sex with my husband on our honeymoon because I was healing from surgery. I was even so sick when we moved into our new home that I had to have emergency surgery. As soon as things got better with the Crohn's, I was 37 and we found out about H's MFI. We stared IVF and it's been one loss after another. The loss of having a child the conventional way...not to mention this miscarriages.

I just don't know how to turn things around. Every time I think things are ok and I am the tiniest bit happy, the rug is pulled out from under me. H will not let me do DE and he will not pay for adoption, either. I have to figure out how to live child free. Right now, we are trying to finish up some work in the house. We are going to sell....we don't need a big house for the 2 of us if we even stay together. We are in such different places. I can't be happy just with him and he is not willing to pursue having a family. At this point, we don't know if we are going to make it as a couple. I am losing everything I love and it sucks so much.

1dp the loss of all hope/faith/belief....The first of possibly many hormone induced "Drama Queen" posts.

Seriously, my body doesn't know what the hell is going on. I obviously got my period last Monday at 6dp3dt and H has been shooting my ass with progesterone the whole time. It's like I am getting periods back to back and I have a wicked case of PMS. I am weepy and angry and I just feel lost. The Prozac can't even touch this. Not to mention the cramps and backache and breakout. The only good thing is that I have lost 5 lbs. since my transfer....my jeggings are baggy.

This was honestly the worst Thanksgiving I have ever had. I have spent Thanksgiving alone and I have been to places where the food was so awful it made me long for my mother's stuffing.

I spent this Thanksgiving in limbo with no family around. I had to stay off my feet so I couldn't really go anywhere but no one in my family even came to see me. They all went to my sister's house (the one with kids). I kept hoping all day that someone would surprise me...but no one ever showed up. I could have used some cheering up. Not the day after, either. I guess they were too tired. By the time Saturday rolled around, I was so hurt that it just added to my anger and pain over what I was already going through. Even my Grandma didn't visit and she drives by my house on her way home. Thank goodness for my husband. And my friends. I had numerous friends (the ones that know what we are dealing with) offer to meet me for coffee or dinner or just to get together to talk. My family told me that they missed me but they couldn't have missed me that much since they all live in the area. I bet if I had kids, they would have made more of an effort to see me.

Just another depressing part of being infertile. You really don't seem to count. Or that's what it feels like....especially when you are hopped up on hormones. H's parents treated us the same way over the summer when BIL and his pg wife came to visit. I jumped through hoops and did cartwheels trying to make the visit nice for them but all they could do was focus on the pg one.

I guess this is just an unattractive part of what I am going through. No one likes a person who feels sorry for themselvs so I think the best thing for me to do right now is to distance myself from everyone. It's probably the best thing for myself and for them. No one knows how to act in such an uncomfortable situation anyway. It's not their fault I am going through this. I am going to do my best to focus on my husband and making him happy. All we have is each other...it's clear that we are simply going to be a family of 2 and that we are not going to be blessed with a child of our own. I am not quite sure how to move forward knowing that I have had a baby inside of me but that I never got the chance to meet him. And that I'll never get that chance again.

Negative confirmed

Just got confirmation of what my heart already knew. I am devestated, hurt and so very angry at the world right now.
I honestly don't know what to do with my life. I gave up a career. I have made my whole life about becoming a mother and I am not sure how to find meaning in anything.
I resent other people's happiness and joy and I can't see how I am ever going to be happy again. I am even willing to cut all ties with my family and DH's family so I don't have to subject anyone else to my heartache. Their lives are continuing...there are babies being born and people trying to have babies and I just can't be around it without feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could move away and start all over. Running from things is my best defense.

Infertility vulnerability

This post was hard to write. Every time I started to write something, I changed my mind. It's hard to share my true feelings without sounding like a whiny infertile. In my day to day life, I bottle most of my emotions. Otherwise, people would probably run in the other direction when they see me. Those who have never had a pregnancy loss or those who have never been told they will never have a baby the "old fashioned way" may never understand the message I am hoping to convey but I am going to try. Deep breath...

For the most part, I think I do a decent job handling myself around the fertile population. I run into pregnant women in stores and at parties...my dear friend is even pregnant and H & I have been hanging with her and her husband quite a bit. We have even committed to watching their 2 year old when she delivers and I'm more than happy to help. I'm even fine around people with little ones...my sister has 2 kids and that in itself doesn't bother me. But there is a part of me that can't let go of the hurt and anger I feel about the losses I have suffered and the pain I feel that we might never have a child. On the outside I am ok but our situation has made me even more sensitive than I already am. Life becomes a minefield of situations and events that I need to tiptoe around. Hoping each and every step doesn't result in something blowing up in my face.

There is a certain vulnerability that goes along with being infertile. I guess I am finally admitting that I am infertile,BTW. All a long, I have convinced myself that my H is infertile and I am just old. Old = infertile, unfortunately. Anyway,there are things that happen in daily life that can feel like an attack on your IF status.

It would be great if all of the people you came into contact with on a daily basis would be sensitive to your vulnerability but that's not necessarily the case. Even your "loved ones" forget what it is like for you to live with the constant ache and sadness while you are putting on a happy face. The emotional impact of infertility is far reaching; it permeates every aspect of your life. Sadness and mourning come as you realize that what you wanted is not happening. Losses include not having a baby, the loss of the pregnancy experience, loss of self esteem, changes in friendships, and changes in the relationship with your husband.

Infertility is like throwing a rock into a still pond; it has a ripple effect into all aspects of your life. Infertility is a crisis. Life goes into a holding pattern and you just feel stuck. Parents choosing to spend time with the child that has children instead of the sad infertiles and sisters who tell you they are ready to start TTCing can feel like a sucker punch in the gut.

I also think that when you show your vulnerability, people can take advantage of that. They might not mean to do so, but a snarky comment thrown your way when someone gets their feelings hurt by you can take on a deeper level of hurt. I am afraid my fellow bloggers and message board friends are the only ones who can truly understand. Most of the people in your life want you to be ok and cannot handle your raw emotions. When you are hurting and lashing out they say that they want to be there for you but when push comes to shove....they make it about themselves.

It's hard not to take everything personally when not having children and working towards building a family is what your life is all about. For you...it always will be deeply personal.

About giving thanks.....

So, I haven't posted for a while. I am still in my crazy 2WW limbo. Still bleeding and cramping off and on. I am having some pregnancy symptoms but that can be quite normal for me from the progesterone. The clinic doesn't do betas on the weekend so they tried to force me to wait until Monday....just like the last time. I managed to bully them into bringing me in for an early beta today (it's only 1 day early,really). The joke's on me though because they haven't called. I don't even know if they will give me the results if I call tomorrow since they don't do betas on the weeeknd. So, I'm obviuosly pissed. I didn't NEED to get up at 7 to get to the lab early and spend an extra $20 if I'm just going to get the results on Monday anyway. I also have to open a new bottle of PIO tonight. Another waste of money.

I was going to make a Thanksgiving post but honestly I'm not feeling very greatful for anything. I have a wonderful husband and a nice house and car and that's a lot more than most people. But between what I have been through with the Crohn's and the losses and the fact that IVF has basically been my job for about 3 years now, I just can't seem to bring myself to say thanks for it. I read loads of FB posts yesterday about how thankful people are for their children and how blessed they are. All I feel is cursed. So...thanks for the pain and suffering and broken heart and for the loads of pregnant women I am surrounded by and for the constant reminder of what I don't have since I see happy families everywhere I turn. Maybe a better person could find blessings in that but that's not me....this is what bitter looks like. I am the person no one wants to be....the one that every IFer give thanks that they are not. On the wrong side of the odds...

***Update***

The Dr. on call just called me back and said that they never received the bloodwork. Ummmm.....I left the nurses a message at 8am that I had my blood drawn. If they didn't receive it shouldn't they have called to let me know? I did my part. Why can't people just do their jobs? The RE told me to call tomorrow if I don't hear from anyone by noon. My situation is shitty enough without having to wait an extra day for my negative. Crack open the new bottle of PIO, Honey.....

6 dp3dt and not looking promising.....or maybe it is!!!!! *update*

***TMI so don't keep reading if you are squeamish***

I have some bleeding. It's pink and it's not enough to spot on my underwear or to wear a pad...it's just when I wipe. There were also a few drops in the toilet with some "tissue" that looked like flaky skin. I almost got sick to my stomach.

I'm really crampy, too like my period is coming any day. These are some deep cramps...really low and in my back,too.

It's not even a week past my transfer. How can I possibly be getting my period already? I have to try and get through Thanksgiving surrounded by pregnant bellies. The one thing that was going to help me get through it was the knowledge that I could be pregnant (beta is not until 11/29...the Tuesday after Thanksgiving). Now, I don't know what I am going to do.

I placed a call to my IVF nurse to tell her about my symptoms but what can she really say?

My headache just got so much worse.

Edited to add: I just got off the phone with my IVF nurse. She told me that what is happening is quite normal and actually a very good sign. She doesn't think I have anything to worry about and that it could be an early sign of pregnancy.

Please God let this work.

1 dp 3dt

Progesterone getting to me. Tired,bitchy and uncontrollable hunger.

I'm also starting to worry because we only had 1 8 cell embie to put back. That's the goal on a day 3 transfer. Can my 7 and two 5s grow and thrive? Dr. Google is my enemy tonight. I've spent the last hour checking stats and embryo pics. I am probably going to dream about little embryos all night long.

Here are mine, BTW...

Please snuggle in little embies.

It's going to be a loooooong 2 weeks.

Five Guys....and 4 embies

Yes...you read that right. I have 4 embies on board!

There is a method to the madness. I'll explain.....

Dr. D & I had discussed being a bit more aggressive this time around. I am 39 and I have had 5 unsuccessful attempts at this. We know my body can get pregnant...it's happened 3 times. It just doesn't last. We are trying to increase the odds. At 39, it is highly unlikely that all 4 will implant, especially given my history. It is not even very likely that we will have twins.

The RE and Embryologist chose the 4 best embies. We put back an 8 cell, a 7 cell and two 5 cells. The RE told me that both 5 cells looked really nice and they couldn't decide between the two.

I am happy to report that all 8 were still alive at transfer time. That has never happened to me before. The remaining 4 are being watched to see if we can freeze them. I have never had any frosties so that would be a 1st too! The RE said that everything went perfectly and I had a beautiful transfer. H and I are so hopeful.

I'm so thankful for the way this cycle has played out so far. No major drama, my body is performing like a trooper and my embies look really good.

But... I'm not naive enough to think that we are in the clear. I've certainly seen strange things happen in my IF career: women with perfect looking embies and utes who don't get a BFP, women who have 1 embie left on transfer day who do get pregnant, even women with really poor quality embies who get pregnant. As much as we would like to think science is in charge here, it's in God's hands now. (Or the universe or whatever you believe in.)

Right now all we can do it wait and pray and cross our fingers and stay positive. And eat Five Guys burgers when we crave them or don't feel like cooking...(What? I didn't have fries and I made brussels sprouts on the side!)

Thanks for reading!

IVF limbo

Blogging from IVF limbo today. That's the time frame between your retrieval and transfer. Your eggs are gone so you don't have to worry about doing something to affect the quality and you don't have your embies with you yet so you can't hurt them.

I have to say that I am enjoying the use of my heating pad and the heated seats in my car...things that are allowed in this time period.

I'm anxiously awaiting my transfer tomorrow. I am wondering how many of my 8 little embabies are going to make it. I hope they can hang on long enough for me to come pick them up. It's so sad that they are so far away at a lab in NYC.

We have to be at the clinic at 2pm. I'll update as soon as I can.

From pre-op to the fert. report: My adventurous weekend

By now you have surely figured out that anything I do is never easy...and I married a man who has the same issue. IVF is a tough game anyway but add travel and sleep deprivation to the mix and you can just imagine how much more difficult it can be. The extra mood swings alone (mine and H's) can make for some interesting moments. There was a little of that but not as much as usual. (still thanking the Prozac for that) All in all, we had a really good weekend together. We enjoyed each other and the alone time we got to spend with each other. While we did not end up doing the ahem.....activities.... that would have made H happiest, we did have fun despite all the medical stuff.

We each took naps before my 11:30 pm trigger shot on Thursday night and went back to sleep for a few more hours. We had to leave the house at 3 am to make sure we were at Cornell by 6:30 am for my pre-op class. We had breakfast at a diner we like a few blocks from the clinic and made our way to the hotel. Luckily, they let us in hours earlier and H and I napped until 2. I love napping with him...I feel so safe and comforted. As calm as I have been, a part of me still had a few jitters about how many eggs I was cooking. There's a lot riding on this cycle.

We went for a walk by the river and got some dinner. We were very relaxed and happy and we enjoyed ourselves so much.

Retrieval day was not as easy.....it's a damn good thing we left the hotel early. It only takes about 20 minutes to get to Cornell from where we stayed but you never know what kind of trouble can pop up in the city. This time is was road work. On a Saturday. We made it with 2 minutes to spare. I wasn't really worried because it's all "hurry up and wait" at Cornell. They wanted me there at 8:30 am and my ER didn't even happen until almost 11:30.

I actually made some friends this time! I was in the closet sized waiting room with 2 other women and we had a good talk. We were all return IVFers....maybe that was why. We talked Drs. and emotions and protocols. It helped me relax and it never hurts to have extra people there to wish you good luck.

When I woke up from anesthesia, H delivered the good news: 12 eggs! Then, the nurse came over to tell me and she was so excited...her smile was huge. We left feeling more positive than we had in a long time.

I started drinking Gatorade right away but I still had some hyper stim symptoms. I had a flushed face and my weight was up about 6 lbs. Imagine if they had given me the full 10,000 units of HCG instead of 5,000. I'd probably be getting my ovaries tapped right now. I actually ended up sleeping most of the day and I went to bed at 8pm so the symptoms subsided. Until this morning.....

I'm not very good at sitting still and I have a huge "To Do" list running through my head. I missed cleaning day so I wanted to catch up. I needed to do laundry and change the sheets in addition to all the regular dusting, vacuuming,etc. I also wanted to get the guest bathroom and bedroom cleaned for our Thanksgiving weekend company. I wanted to get all of the heavy duty cleaning with dangerous chemicals out of the way before my transfer. I felt good this morning so I got to work (secretly after H went to the gym). Well, I can't hide my red face and bloat so I got in trouble. He said I am worse than a child and that my 2 year old niece listens better than I do.

He's pacing as I type. I got special permission to update my blog. He has had me in bed flat on my back with my legs up all day. Um, not practicing new moves- just resting!!!!! Heads out of the gutter, please.

I better go rest. Oh, yeah...my fert. report:

12 eggs
9 mature
8 fertilized

We are thrilled! Still scared but the results are more than we had hoped for. We are still having a 3 day transfer and I'm not sure why but the Embryologist that called told me that it was excellent. That's good enough for me....for now!

Time for the big shots...

Trigger time!!!!

So, I just got the call. I am triggering at 11:30. Retrieval will be sometime Saturday. I don't have a lot of time for a clever post because I need to pack and get some sleep! We have to leave the house at 3am because I need to be at Cornell bright and early (6:30 am) for my pre-op appt.

My E2 was at 1580 yesterday and after dramatically lowering my Follistim to 225 last night, it still shot up to 1750 this morning. Yikes. I've gained 4 lbs. No wonder I need to walk around holding my lower stomach. It's hard to pee and my thighs and hips ache. I'm moving like I belong at the nursing home.

They are giving me 1/2 dose of the HCG...only 5000 units. I have never heard of that before. And I have been around the block a few times as you well know! I hope my eggs are ok. Last I knew from my monitoring this morning, I have about 7 follies ranging from 13.5 to 17. There are several + or - 10. I hope we didn't sacrifice quality for quantity. I suppose I could use your T + P if you have any to spare.

I am exhausted and once again, looking forward to those few sweet seconds of anesthesia before the retrieval.

I'll update you all as soon as I can.

Thanks for reading!

Another day...another follicle...

or two...or 3!

My ovaries are cranking into high gear. I'm so proud of them! I peeked at the screen again before the RE tortured me with the vag cam and found out that my E2 was at 1166 yesterday! I'm cooking about 3-4 follies on each side with about 6 smaller ones that still have a chance to catch up. According to Dr. K I probably won't even trigger until tomorrow. (Which happened to be my best case scenario....a Saturday retrieval!)When I took my trigger shot last cycle, my E2 was only 953... No wonder I have been feeling like I have been doing lower ab crunches all day. So sore!

I'm thankful that Mom and Dad were able to keep me company today. Actually, Dad drove both ways and it gave me the chance to catch up on some sleep. I got called for b/w and when I came back,my 2 little baby boomers had their heads back, mouths open and eyes closed. In their defense, I did have them up at 2:30 so we could be out the door by 4:00. And I can't really say much because I dozed off talking to my Dad.....when I woke up I had no recollection of falling asleep.

My parents really are very cute. We had a sleep over Tuesday night because we needed to leave my house so early. We watched Glee (we had fun singing along)and they filled me in on "Dancing With The Stars" since I don't watch that. Every time I asked a question in the car my Dad offered me his Droid to find the answer. Me: "Wonder what the temperature is?" Him: "Check it with my phone" or Me: "Who is in the remake of Arthur" Him: Google it on my phone!" And my Mom caught me up on all the celebrity gossip. I also found out they like "California Girls" by Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg. How hip is that for people in their 60s? It's nice to be able to spend time alone with your parents as an adult. I know I'll always remember the fun we had today and how they saved me from possibly falling asleep at the wheel since I am so exhausted. Thanks Mom and Dad.

I'll be fine driving myself tomorrow thanks to the extra rest and some yummy tea and a Starbucks gift card from a dear friend. Thanks, N. I'm working on the TY note!

Finally, I had an awesome ending to my day by seeing my Acupuncturist. She did her best to alleviate the symptoms: bloat, fatigue, anxiety and to help keep my ovaries cooking without going into hyperstim mode. She also told me that me getting pregnant would be her best Xmas present. How sweet is that?

I'm so lucky to be surrounded by such supportive friends,family and professionals!

I did a bad thing...again.

I peeked...at the computer screen with all my info. about this cycle. Why do these people leave the room with this temptation in plain sight? Do you think they know we peek? I am notorious for touching things I am not supposed to...they have to know there are people like me out there.

So, here is what I found out about my E2 levels:

CD2: 174 (high, yes but I was on estrogen patches...that was the goal)

CD6: 189 (patch wore off so that makes sense)

CD8: 514 (follies starting to grow...they lowered my meds)

CD9: 723 (follies still going strong...they lowered meds again)

I don't know what it was today...I didn't ask but I will peek again tomorrow.

I feel like things are going well. I have about 5 follies around the same size and 4-5 btwn. 8-10. The RE thought I might trigger Wed. or Thurs. TMI but the abundance of CF is aggravating. I feel so gross. I'm definitely close if that is any indication. That was fast,huh?

Off to Manhattan tomorrow with Mom & Dad. I can't drive another day and H has a meeting he can't miss.

Thanks for reading...I'll keep you posted.

Just another manic Monday

Before the sun came up, I was having an amazing day....a great outfit, all of the radio stations were playing some of my favorite songs, and I had lots of energy despite my crazy weekend. I was even making really good time heading to Mt. Kisco.... until I started hearing a noise like a helicopter.

Let me just say that I am not an idiot when it comes to cars...or other fix it type things for that matter( you would never guess because I am so girly.) I can check my oil and my tires and do other little maintenance type things but when I hear a noise on the highway...especially at 74 mph, I worry. I was about 20 miles from the clinic when it happened. I called H who decided to come get me. I made it to the clinic and sat in the waiting room for 2 1/2 hrs.reading really boring magazines. H picked me up and we headed to a local mechanic. It turns out the wheel was loose and making a noise. I am so lucky it didn't come off! At least I don't have to take the "commuter" car anymore. H is so afraid of a good car getting wrecked but he is more afraid of me getting wrecked.

The fun didn't stop there....if you are in the Northeast you probably know what I mean: SNOW. Effing snow. On November 8th. There were accidents all over the place and traffic jams every few miles.

Surprisingly, I was calm the whole day. I couldn't be rattled... until I got home and walked to the mailbox to get my mail. One of my neighbors drove by and splashed slush all over me...my coat was soaked. He/she didn't even have the decency to apologize. I can't wait to find out who drives that red Dodge. They are getting a lesson in manners from me.

Back tomorrow for b/w & u/s. The clinic never called me until almost 6pm and I forgot to ask about my E2 level again. Oh well, I think it is better when I cannot obsess!

Please just let the week get better.....

So far so good...I think....

1st follie check today...on NYC marathon day! Luckily, we escaped from NY without incident. The road closures didn't really affect us. I guess that's the good thing about early morning monitoring hours.

I am CD 8 today. It looks like things are progressing just like last time which was my goal, actually. I am 7 months older (and 5 months away from 40...yikes!) so I told myself if my ovaries could produce a similar result as last time I would be happy. Let's just hope the chromosomes are good!

My E2 was 189 on CD6/Friday. Last time it was 212 on CD6 so we're not that far off. I did one less patch this time so that makes sense. The only reason I know is because I was able to sneak a peek at the computer screen before the RE of the day came in. How sad is it that I am not in the medical field yet I know exactly how to read the information? When I 1st started joining IVF message boards I used to marvel at how some of the women could predict when they might trigger or how many eggs they might get, etc. I now know that practice makes perfect, unfortunately.

Anyway, today I had 3 follies (just under 10 mm) ahead of about 6 smaller ones but they are not trailing by much. 9 follies is pretty good for an old lady. Now, if they can grow at the same rate I will be very happy! The RE said I was doing very well...I am on my way and we just have to wait for them to grow. I must be doing better than expected because they cut my Follistim by 125 units. Time will tell. Back tomorrow for more......

Slow and steady wins the race with this protocol. Pun totally intended.

Here we go again...I feel the chemicals kickin' iiiiiin......

...it's gettin' heavier, I wanna run and hide, I wanna run and hide!(Neon Trees: Animal)

More like I'm getting heavier.....ugh. I must have heard that song 5 times during my morning adventure and I am convinced an IVFer wrote those lyrics..... If you have never had the pleasure of taking injections to stimulate your ovaries, you might have a difficult time imagining how it feels. Let me see if I can paint the picture for you......a swollen bottom half (I've gained back 2.5 of the 11 lbs. I lost since my last cycle and I've only taken 3 doses)deep soreness in hips and thighs,like horseback riding or marathon "trying to make a baby" sore. Not to mention a bruised feeling in your pubic bone...it kind of feels like someone took a baseball bat to your crotch. I definitely wouldn't mind pulling the covers over my head and hiding out in bed for the next 10 days or so.

But....there is fun to be had! Tomorrow is the annual Yankee Candle flagship store trip with Mom and sisters. Looking forward to stocking up on Christmas scents and bonding with the girls. Thank goodness for leggings because my pants hurt.

I don't know the results of today's b/w...I forgot to ask. Well, to tell you the truth, I was napping when they called (Yes...napping... you try getting up at 2:30, driving to Mt. Kisco, then working a full 5 hour day)and it slipped my mind. All I know is that I have to be in NYC Sunday morning...that's "Marathon Sunday" for b/w & u/s. My body has impeccable timing. At least I have the time change on my side!

Stay tuned for what will surely be a freak out moment....1st follie check!

@#$%&#^&*(@!$!$%#^$^*%&!@!@

I forgot how much I haaaaate Lupron. Even in microdose form. After just 2 days the headache and ass dragging and bitchiness are driving me bonkers. I hope the Lupron doesn't affect the quality of my eggs. I have had pretty decent looking embies when I've done the antagonist protocols. For the 2 cycles I did use Lupron,I had really fragmented embryos. I am assuming Dr. D wouldn't give an AMAer like myself a protocol that would compromise egg quality. If anyone knows how to get good quality eggs from an old lady, it's him.

It's just me obsessing again. I wonder if the hormones are messing with my Prozac.......I am not feeling as calm and serene as I was a week ago.

Hoping for some sweet relief at my acupuncture appointment today. It should help with the headache and back ache and fatigue...for a few days anyway. I better get moving so I'm not late!

p.s Use your favorite string of curse words for the title of this post. I don't want to make any of you blush with my choice!

CD2...positivity fading

This is not going to be a very intersting post, people. I am fading as fast as my positive attitude.

The day started out pretty positive. As positive as it can when you are awake most of the night due to your husband's snoring and not wanting to sleep through the 3 am alarm. When I woke up, Father of the Bride II was on. I turned on the TV at 3am and this movie with 2 pregnant women....one of them in her 40s (!!!)was playing. I, of course, took it as a sign this might be my lucky cycle....

As the day wore on, my feelings changed. I already had a full day by 12 noon.

My nurse was on vaca last week(good for her, she works hard and totally deserves it)so another nurse gave me the instructions for this cycle. It seems like she started my E2 patches a day later than last time but I figured she knew what she was doing. I got my period after only taking 2 patches instead of 3 so my E2 was pretty low today...only 174 as opposed to 319 last cycle. My FSH was only 1.2 - it was 1.1 the last time...that's fine. My AFC seemed really low and that's what concerns me. Dr. D (yay...he did my u/s today!) said he saw a few under 10 on each side and he said that was good. When the nurse called, she said it was 2-4 on each side. Those aren't very strong #s. That's about 1/2 of what it was my 1st 2 cycles nearly 3 years ago. *sigh* My poor old eggs. Hopefully, I can grow a few more follies...it's still early, I suppose.

We went over the instructions for this EPP/Microdose flare protocol...she wrote them down for me and I was well on my way to memorizing the plan. Well, she called my cell phone around 4 to apologize for giving me the wrong protocol and then, she gave me the proper instructions. Not the same...at all. Thank God the mistake was caught but this could have been really bad.

I also missed my therapy appt. It was at 3 pm and I was trying to catch up on my sleep. I forgot all about it. I got a nasty message saying we could talk over the phone because I am going to be charged for the session regardless,unfortunately. I've never missed an appt. before. I'm annoyed and a bit embarrassed.

So, maybe it's the sleep deprivation or the hormones...maybe I am just overwhelmed and feeling my age. I don't know but I am not the optimist I promised myself I would be this time around.

Flo tricked me...Cycle #6 begins on the day I preferred it didn't

I shouldn't be surprised....

When you are involved in any sort of advanced reproductive technology, Sunday is a very bad day for Flo to show. No one is around on a Sunday. Definitely not at the smaller local clinics but even in the large clinics, they run on a skeleton crew after morning monitoring is over and you cannot get anyone on the phone unless you use the answering service.

Cornell does not have a monitoring message mailbox, so you have to call the answering service and speak to a person who knows nothing about ART and you have to try to explain why you are calling. It really is like giving them a lesson, sometimes. Here is a sample of one side of a conversation I had around 3pm: "I am calling because I got my period. Yes, today...soooooooo..I am calling to tell you I will be there tomorrow for b/w & u/s. Ummm...between 7 and 9. No, there's more. I also need to know if I need to take my last shot...yes...that IS a medication question. Ok, yes...have someone call me back."

Ugh. About 30 min. later the nurse called. I was brief...she was brief. Final result: I take my last Ganirelix...leave my current Climara patch on even though I should be changing it tomorrow and I'll be on the road by 4am. I was really not expecting to have to drive to NYC on a Monday morning. So, I am getting my things together and my outfit ready and then heading to bed. What a lame ass Halloween!

That old familiar prick....

No...not an ex-boyfriend. I'm talking about needle pricks. My 1st shot for cycle #6! Ganirelix for suppression.

I really think I've lost the plot because I have actually been looking forward to it. Not because I like the pain or anything (if you are into that...that's cool, just not my thing)but I find some sort of comfort in the routine, I suppose.

I am always so hopeful in the beginning....before the 1st follie check...before I can obsess about my E2 levels...before I feel like I am already carrying quintuplets because my ovaries and the surrounding reproductive organs are so bloated. The shots make me feel like I am doing something...working towards my goal...instead of just sitting around waiting for a miracle. I would love to have that miracle break cycle BFP but in all my years on the infertility message boards, I can count the # of times I have seen that happen on 2 fingers. So, the shots give me control and I like control so I like shots. I just had a flashback of proofs from Math II. You remember proofs: a convincing demonstration (within the accepted standards of the field) that some mathematical statement is necessarily true. (Extra credit for knowing the def. because I suck at math!)

Anyway, now, I wait for Flo. She should be around before the weekend is over. Weekends and holidays are her favorite time to visit.

Later! :)

$37.00 stickers

That's what I am wearing today. Patch #1 is in place. I change them every other day until my period. $37.00 per patch....I had to buy at least 4 of them. How I wish they let me have the generics like last time. I think I paid $45. for a box of 4. Hopefully, they don't come off in the shower this time...or give me a wicked rash again.

Tomorrow, I start my ganirelix shots...1 per day until my period. In a perfect world, I would get Flo Sat. and have to be in the city Sunday but I'm not that lucky. And....I'm not sure that would give me enough days on the estrogen. Whatever happens is fine...I'll deal with it. I just want my body to make me a baby!

I guess my baseline appointment will be Monday or Tuesday. This time they are making me go to the NYC office. No messing around with the satellite offices. I guess they want to watch me closely.

Could it be that the estrogen is already making me bitchy? After a mere 12 hours stuck to my lower tummy? I have been a little short with H. Poor man. He's had it so good since I started the Prozac. I should warn him not to let his guard down just in case......

I'll be sure to let you know what happens :)

Butterflies in my stomach

Tomorrow it begins. Again. For the 6th time. I will be doing my 4th different protocol. I can honestly say I've tried them all now. I'm hoping this EPP/ Microdose Flare does the trick.

Who knew I would become a professional IVFer? Not me. If I knew 3 years ago how far I would need to travel, how much money I would spend and how much heartache was involved, I may have done things differently. Don't get me wrong...I'm more optimistic than I have been in a long time but a part of me feels like my life has been on hold and that I have missed so much.

In some ways, I'm looking forward to this cycle. I have a renewed sense of hope thanks to the extra procedure.... and NYC in the fall is my favorite place to be. I am even looking forward to waking up at 3am and driving to the city for my monitoring appts. Crazy,right? It's just so peaceful that early in the am. There's something soothing about having no contact with anyone else and just being alone with your thoughts for a few hours. Maybe I'll even see another movie star in the waiting room.....

I should be writing much more regularly now that things are in motion. Stay tuned,friends......

The Girl Who Cried Wolf

When I started this blog last February, I told you how I was getting ready to embark on my 5th and final IVF cycle. I think I must have convinced myself that it had to work because it was our last shot. You know how that turned out...what you might not know is that it led us down a path we didn't quite expect.

With a heavy heart, I was fully prepared to stop all treatments at that point...it seemed like we were wasting time, money and happiness and it felt insane. H had a few tests over the summer that showed that we might not be able to overcome his sperm issues with ICSI. A part of me wants to kick myself because I let RE after RE covince me that my eggs were the problem. They still could be but the bottom line is that H's chances have decreased dramatically. So, we have decided to add about $2000.00 to our IVF bill to try and combat his issues. I am going to cycle again with an added procedure in the hopes that it will work this time.

I'm hoping you will join me again. I cannot promise a happy ending but I can promise that you will get the whole story....just like that last time.

Thanks for reading!

Prozac is a girl's best friend.

Screw diamonds....they never made me this happy!

Ok, that is an exaggeration. Everyone knows I love diamonds.

I resisted psych meds for years. I fought my way through a really serious bout with Crohn's. A flare that kept me out of work for nearly a year as a matter of fact and sent me into a deep depression. I swore I would not put anything extra and unnecessary in my body,though. I was always of the mindset that less is more when it comes to drugs. God knows I've taken enough meds in the past 14 years to rot my insides but since nothing else seemed to help (the thousands I have spent on acupuncture and massage or the relaxation/meditation/mindful prayer CDs)I have given in. Turns out it may have been necessary.....

It's been 3 weeks and I don't feel hopeless about our future. Am I still sad that we don't have a child and about my miscarriages? You bet. But I have actually had some really happy moments....the likes of which I have not seen in years. I never knew what people meant when they said you need to live in the moment because my anxiety wouldn't let me. I still think about our next steps but I am much less obsessive about it. As much as I hate to admit it, I wish I listened to my Dr. earlier instead of trying to be the tough girl that I would like to think I am.

Prozac commercial over.

Something interesting I found during my "obsessive research phase"

So, while I was absent for the past month or so, I spent a lot of time- that's A LOT OF TIME on the Internet doing some research on sperm fragmentation. I got absolutely nowhere on that front but I did find a very interesting website. I thought it might be helpful to the other ladies in the land of IF. I wish I knew about this site when I was 1st starting my treatments and testing because it has a lot of solid and accurate info. about tests and meds and about how things kind of progress. There aren't a lot of websites out there with such advanced information and I am a little bit impressed. I am so freaking jaded...it's takes a lot to impress me. There are some interesting blogs listed( managed by professionals and specialists) and a "Dr. of the Month" section that is worth chcking out but I particularly enjoyed the "Emotional Issues" section. Sometimes, we are very hard on ourselves when we are feeling especially vulnerable and we shouldn't be, KWIM? Good job, Fertility Authority


This is the part where I say that I do not work for them and I am not affiliated in any way. I am not accepting money from them I just see worthwhile information that I want to pass on to people to be helpful. One of the contributors was the Medical Information Director of Resolve. As far as I can tell, there are drug companies and fertility clinics that are advertising on the site so take it for what it's worth...you know, use your own judgement. If you are looking for facts...check it out. If you don't like it, don't use it. This blog has always been as much about helping others as it is about helping me so let me know what you think if you would like.

Thanks for reading!

Infertility Tug- O- War

I have played this game before with Drs. When my CD was really bad. The surgeon claimed I did not have Crohn's but the Gastro said it couldn't be anything but that. Finally, my NYC Gastrointestinal Dream Team diagnosed me with Crohn's, came up with a treatment plan and I am in remission. I'm not so lucky on the infertility front.

We saw the Urologist yesterday. He seems to think that H was born with his fragmented sperm. It has nothing to do with the vericocele and there is really no way to fix it. He said that it will decrease our chances in any given IVF cycle but only by about 2-4%...not 10%. I need every damn % I can get! This was my worst case scenario. He suggested that if we were trying to decide btwn. DE and DS, we should buy some eggies. MY RE feels the opposite. He thinks there is no reason why I shouldn't have had sucess by now based on my hormone levels and how I respond to the drugs.

So, I am torn between 2 Drs. feelin like a fool. Yes, I said "I". H is about ready to stop everything. He wants no part of the donor process. He also wants nothing to do with adoption. If it costs too much money...he's out. All he keeps saying is "Everyone else can just have sex and have a kid for free. I'm not spending any more money". (A direct quote,BTW.)Well, you can't and if you want a baby you are going to have to dig deep. I am willing to do anything. He has limits. This is not going to end well....


Why can't I just have a diagnosis and move on? Why the F does everything health related in my life have to be so complicated? Here we are ...needing to make a really tough decision. (If I can get H to see my way.) Try again with our own parts, DS or DE. How can we possibly know which way to go? Especially when 2 different experts.....top in their field....are giving us conflicting answers! FML.

Sad on so many levels

We went to a wake last night. H's former boss lost his battle with cancer. He fought it 3 times but he was finally ready for it to be over. He had a short but happy life...a beautiful family and lots of good times with them. It was hard to see the family and think about how huge of a loss it is for them. The one saving grace for the Mrs. was the fact that her 2 boys were standing by her side.

I hate funerals and wakes and just thinking about death. It scares me so much. I'm lucky to have my parents but I have lost all but 1 of my grandparents. I don't know how people go on after they lose a spouse. The one thing that is a constant at every funeral I have ever been to: they all have children.

Do I think it makes things easier if you lose a spouse and happen to have children? Nope.

But not being able to have a child is so much more than not being pregnant. Our story would end with us. There is no one to lean on when lives end. No one saving grace. You are truly left alone when you don't have a family.

Sorry for the morbid post. I'm just feeling it today.

I'm....back...

It looks like we are ready to start figuring some things out. I needed a break from everything for a while. Blogs, boards, accupuncture, etc. For my mental health and for my relationship with my husband. I was too obsessed with researching and playing the "what if" game. What if we need DE....what if we need DS...or are donor ebmryos or adoption our only choices? I was driving myself crazy guessing what the Drs. might find out. I stopped posting on the message boards and I totally blew off my blogging. I have been flailing a bit but I did enjoy my vacation last month. Why can't I just pack up my life and move to the beach?

Yet, try as I did not to think about my failures and losses and what our next steps would be....it was all right there in the back of my mind. Appts. were made and surgeries were performed. My hysteroscopy resulted in the removal of a polyp and a whole lotta scar tissue from the D & C last year. Why didn't I have this done before the last IVF? What a colossal waste of money,huh?

H has a Uro appt. next week and that's where the scary stuff comes into play. We recently found out that his sperm are fragmented (15%) and my RE thinks that might be why we don't have a baby yet. Funny how I kept asking the REs if we had a shot because his sperm quality was so bad and they kept telling me it was my age. Sure...my FSH is 7.1 and my H's is 22 but whatever.

Right now I am scared and praying that we can move forward without DS. H is not in favor of using DS and it would probably mean the end of the road for us.

Anyway, it feels good to get this off my chest. Thanks so much for listening.....

Cruel Irony

Everywhere I go, little kids and babies are just begging for my attention. I am not kidding and it is not in my head. All of my friends kids love me,too. I say this not to brag, not because I have some inflated sense of what I mean to anyone but to simply point out how completely and utterly ridiculous my life is at the moment. I am like the goddamn Pied Piper of the Land of the Infertile. All the little ones I see want to smile at me and show me how cute they are...one kid even tried to give me her mother's car keys......(Babies want to give me BMWs!) but my body won't let me carry a baby to term. Fucked up.

We went out to dinner last night and we were seated right by a baby who was trying to use a fork but who was wearing more french fries than she was eating. She kept staring at me and smiling.....as much as I wanted to ignore her and eat my dinner, my heart couldn't do it. Another little boy was playing peek-a-boo with me from ACROSS THE RESTAURANT. I am trying to steel myself. Trying not to make contact with children if I can help it. All it does is make me feel like I should be having that kind of interaction with my own baby. And I feel worse about myself and my situation. Do they somehow know? Can they sense my pain? Maybe they see a sad woman and they are trying to cheer me up. As hard as I try, I can't ignore the cuteness or the toothless grins or the pudgy little arms and legs that make me long to hold my own baby. I will be the nice lady who smiles and talks to them and tells their parents how cute and sweet and precious they are while my heart silently breaks.

You take the good, you take the bad......

H got really tired of me moping around the house and making up stories in my head about what went wrong with cycle# 5 (totally obsessing about what the Dr. might say.) I'm sure the past 2 weeks have not been easy on him. He does not like to see me hurting so he took charge and booked a follow up with Dr. D. I had my WTF yesterday. Despite not being ready,I agreed to meet with the Dr. and hear what he had to say.

He feels like there are 2 possible problems:

1. My uterus

2. H's sperm


I was totally prepared for him to tell me to start picking egg donors but he seems to think that my eggs are not necessarily the biggest issue.....good news, right? Not so much. He does want me to try at least 1 more cycle with my own eggs because I respond very well to the meds for a woman my age. I make a decent amount of eggs for a 39 year old and my FSH is quite low (never above a 7.1 thankyouverymuch). Remember, this guy is the AMA Guru so he has seen a lot of women my age and even younger who do not do as well with egg making as I do. He also sees lots of women my age who do not respond as well as I do but end up pregnant with less IVFs under their belts.

However, that doesn't mean we get to celebrate..... It takes 2 people to make a baby(or 22 if you do IVF but 2 people need to bring the good DNA). Dr. D feels that H might have more problems than low sperm count, motility and morph. He thinks the DNA in the sperm might be bad. For the past 2 years, I have been begging to have H's sperm tested for chromosomal abnormalities but the REs keep telling me that ICSI takes care of all the problems with the sperm and it has to be my eggs because I am over 35. There is, however, a test called an SCSA and it tests for DNA fragmentation in the sperm. Two other REs have shoved the AMA diagnosis down my throat for the past 2 years and would not even entertain the fact that the sperm might be abnormal. Dr. D suggested the test to us without prompting from me. Guess what? Turns out ICSI does not fixy everything. Something I suspected all along......Not that it matters who has the problem, but the eggs have done nothing but age and I feel like we have lost a lot of time. If we knew of this 2 years ago, we could have done DS instead of blaming my eggs and making us both feel like crap and still leaving us childless.


What does that mean if the sperm are fragmented? If we find that H's sperm are more than 14% fragmented, it decreases our chances. Dr. D gives us a 30% shot any given cycle but if we find fragmentation, it would decrease our chances to about 20%. Why such a big deal? Well, I thought DE would fix everything since my eggs are so "bad" but if the sperm is "bad", then the chances of success using a younger woman's eggs would also be decreased. Not an ideal situation at $30,000. yes, $30,000 a pop.

Dr. D also wants to do a hysteroscopy (exam of the ute under anaesthesia) to check out my lining very closely. The HSG (dye in the tubes and ute)can tell you only so much. It can search for polyps and fibroids but it is not so good finding the scar tissue. My ute could have cobwebs(not due to lack of sex) or be really scaly. Not the ideal enviromnment for implantaion to occur.He feels that there might be something going on in there because of the d & c last year. If he finds anything, he'll remove it. I appreciate how thorough he is and hope that his instinct is right about us.....that we are 1 cycle away from success. He actually said that. If nothing else, I will get some good drugs when they knock me out while he looks around.

So, we have a few more tests to look forward to. Another heartbreak? Do we push forward and keep hoping for the best? Keep doing cycles until we can't take it anymore? (I'm pretty much there)Or do we stop everything and prepare to live childless? Are we just prolonging the grieving process? Lots of decisions to make.At this point we will have the tests. If we don't do another cycle, we will at least have some answers. If you feel like weighing in or giving me any advice...I'll take it.

EDD for IVF (and m/c) #1

That's today. April 23rd. I would have had a 1 year old if that pregnancy worked out. I didn't realize it until I sent a fax at work today and had to write the date.

I'm in treatment. Or I will be soon. I took the 1st available appt. which happens to be 3 weeks from now. I can't do this by myself anymore.

I am mad at the world. I am so sad I can't breathe. I am so tired but I can't sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night having panic attacks because I just don't know where my life is headed. I am so scared that something will happen to my husband and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I have no faith. I try to pray but I am still so angry about my miscarriage (not to mention the years of hell thanks to 30+ Crohn's surgeries)that it feels empty. I don't actually believe anything will come of it. When I pray for other people, the prayers are usually answered. Praying for myself just brings me more pain and I get the exact opposite of what I ask for. I haven't really had the happiest adult life ...between the disease(14 years and counting) and the infertility and not meeting my husband until late in life (at age 32)I don't know how much more I can take and I don't want to find out.

I probably should have been seeing someone all along but the last Therapist I saw was a fucking wing nut. This is what she told me when I told her I was scared that IVF #1 wouldn't work: "You don't know how life works. Maybe being childless was something you decided on before birth and you are going against all of the decisions you already made for your life." WTF? You don't say that shit to a Catholic. She also wanted to make me lick the toilet seat in her office building because I have an issue with germs. (A little background: I was taking a drug for Crohn's that weakens the immune system and I could catch colds very easily so I tend to Purell regularly.)Yeah, she was not a good match.


When I am going through a tough time, I don't want anyone near me. I don't want visitors. I don't want to talk on the phone and I don't want anyone touching me. I will deal with things by myself. I have to get through it by myself. At the end of the day, I am all I have. Yes, there are people who care about me and want to offer support but I have to come to terms with this by myself. I don't want people telling me it's not meant to be or that it will happen in God's time, not mine. I don't want to hear that I am too "Type A" and that I need to relax or it will never happen. I don't want anyone telling me I am strong. I am not strong. I want to curl up in a ball and not face the world. Does that sound like something a strong woman would say? I cannot face a pregnant woman and I don't want to be around children. I am in a pathetic place, an irrational, emotionally charged, drama induced state and I don't want anyone to see that, either. Oddly, writing helps. So does screaming at people who cut me off in traffic.

Hopefully, someone with a professional background will be able to help me resolve some of my feelings about all that has happened to me. And help me come to terms with a future I couldn't have imagined in my worst dreams.

I do want to thank everyone who has emailed me and left comments to offer me hugs and support. I appreciate it so much. I know you have all "been there" and you know my pain. The fact that you are still reading kind of blows my mind because these are some bad posts. Even I can see that. I will update on the message boards soon. One step at a time. Thanks for listening.

Bloodwork Found

No surprises. I made my husband call them and despite telling him that he should not call me at work...he did just that. Does this man even fucking care about me at all? Does he just not listen to anything I say? He knows I am an emotional person and how no one at work is aware of my "Adventures in IVF". Why would someone who supposedly loves you do something to hurt you even more? I just had a meltdown in the bathroom. Thank goodness no one was in there but people keep asking me if I am crying. At least it is allergy season and I can tell them someting bothered my eyes.

I still haven't decided if I want to make a WTF appt. I don't know if I can even handle the news. Crappy eggs + crappy sperm = "just adopt." What I do know is that I cannot put myself through all the traveling and all the secrecy and excuses at work if it is just going to be negative again. I just can't find a positive spin to our situation and I don't know how I am ever supposed to find happiness. I certainly don't expect to find it in my marriage and that is pretty fucking sad.

How to make a shitty situation even worse or "Bloodwork Lost"

Are you fucking kidding me? I got a message that was left at 4:27 stating that Cornell (The Land of the Lost) never received my blood work from 8:30 this morning when I had it done. I gave them the lab's phone number but it is something I ended up checking on myself. FYI: The lab said they sent it. I left a bitchy message for my sweet nurse (but seriously....you call me 45 min. before all businesses close for the day and you couldn't have called the lab yourself? And they have called me every single time I have had b/w done out of town to say they never received it only to have it miraculously turn up a little while later).

I know the result so that's not the point. Don't they know what they are putting me through? I could barely bring myself to listen to the message that was left...yes...all by myself... because H is gone again like he has been for this whole cycle. I went through this whole thing BY MYSELF. Yup, I am pissed. All because remodeling that fucking rental property and making money means so much to him. He barely got any rest during the cycle. Neither did I thanks to driving to Cornell every day that last week but I am not the one with the shitty sperm. He can't afford not to pull out all the stops but he chose something else that was more important to him. When I want something, I focus on it and make sure I am doing everything possible to help my outcome. H just swims in circles like his sperm.

This is a very nasty and mean post and you will probably lose a ton of respect for me today. Don't worry about H, though. He doesn't read my blog anyway.

Flow is in town

IVF # 5 = one big fat failure. My body couldn't even wait for the pregnancy test this time. It wasn't even a chemical. I guess I am too old if the AMA Guru can't even get me pregnant. My low FSH doesn't mean a fucking thing. I am numb.

10 dp 3dt...Not looking promising

Had a little spotting last night...that's never been a good sign for me. Historically, it's always meant a chemical or that Flow was imminent. I'm a little crampy, too. And no pregnancy symptoms in site :(

I was channel surfing last night and I saw a show about adoption....so I watched for a little while. The couple was a little older than us and they had tried a few times before they finally ended up with a baby.(Imagine being told you were all set and then not getting your baby...a little too much like a miscarriage.) Things had gone wrong and they didn't end up getting babies before. I hope that wasn't some kind of sign that we should adopt because it turned me right off. Adoption, I think, is not for us. I don't think I could deal with the rejection. As the show pointed out, there are so many couples waiting for the same baby. I know you have to do a lot of paperwork and a profile book and basically "sell yourself". Who is going to want to give a baby to a 40 year old woman with Crohn's disease? I was never very good at sales and marketing (I've never won any popularity contests,either)and I resent the fact that I would have to compete to get a baby.

Feeling a little hopeless as I know I can't put myself through another cycle and adoption and DE are probably not options, either. Both are just another level of complication my heart is not ready to open itself up to. Everyone says you know when you've had enough....I think I've reached my threshold.

9dp 3dt...that was fast

Pregnancy symptoms gone....my boobs aren't even sore anymore. As a matter of fact....it is starting to feel more and more like Flo is about to show :(

I have all the signs....slight weight gain, gastrointestinal issues and now I understand the fatigue...probably just ordinary monthly Flo fatigue. I even feel like the blood is starting to flow. I put a pad on before leaving the house (No tampons ....nothing in the vag until the pg test)

There are a few pregnancy symptoms that are missing and I should be able to notice by this point in the cycle. (Remember that even though my pregnancy test is scheduled for Monday, it should technically be done on Saturday...thanks to the no pg test at Cornell on the weekend rule....boo!)No tender boobs or big nipples. No constipation, no super sense of smell and no food cravings. All of those signs are missing and therefore, I am sure that this did not work...yet again. How could I go from being so hopeful yesterday to so hopeless a day later?

Just not sure where to go from here. I don't think I can make myself do a DE cycle. I am fine with using a donor but I am so scared that it will not work. It's one thing to use my own eggs but if I can't even make a young chickie's eggs work in my body I will feel utterly useless. It just seems like we'll be going down another road that we won't be able to stop on...just like IVF. How many DE cycles will we do because we are too afraid to stop? At some point you need to analyze the cost vs. the historical outcome vs. the odds and I guess it makes sense to stop before going the donor route. Just like the rest of my life...so close yet so far away.

Blogging from somewhere around 8dp 3dt?

Trying not to count the days I have left. I've been too tired to blog lately. The last thing I want to do at night is log onto my computer and type away when I do it all day at work. (Technically, my work day is only 5 hrs. but that is about all I can handle these days. No fun shopping trips after work or manicures or pedicures. I definitely need a good eyebrow wax, too.)

Hoping the fatigue is a good sign....but you just never know. Fatigue is also a sure sign that Flo is in the house (or the uterus.)

But today, I feel pregnant.......I've had lots of heartburn and reflux which is not something that ever happens to me. I feel feverish and have had a few hot flashes but I have had chills at times. I also had pretty bad cramps and gas pains and that was something that happened when I was pregnant this time last year. While I was not a blogger back then, I did keep very detailed records (day by day) in a journal. I have been obsessively comparing notes and all signs are pointing to a happy outcome.

So, for now, I am living life in a happy place filled with miracles and possibilities.

Bottom line is: It's all a guessing game...one big mind fuck. No way to know for sure without a blood test and that's not happenin' until Monday. Grrrrr.

5 dp 3dt....1 week down, 1 to go

New day, even less symptoms. Maybe just a touch of heartburn and indigestion but I have had that all along from the progesterone. I should be feeling something by now.... My ovaries did feel a little bloated and sore after my walk this morning but I am not even tired anymore. I did more today than I did all last week and I still have energy......

I saw a cardinal this morning. Playing in the bushes with a Robin. I happened to be listening to a Josh Groban song on my ipod at the time (a song that was played at my beloved Gram's funeral) so I went home and googled "symbolism of a cardinal". I saw a bunch of conflicting answers. Everything from it being a symbol of death (1 person on a message board told a story about how she works for hospice and every time they saw a cardinal, someone passed away. People on message boards don't necessarily have the credibility I am looking for in this instance so I am ignoring this theory.) to a cardinal sighting being a visit from someone who has passed away. This explanation made a bit more sense since I saw the cardinal as I was listening to the song played at my grandmother's funeral. And FYI, if we have a little girl she will be named after my grandmother (or some variation of her name).

The best explanation I found however, was when I googled "religious symbolism of a cardinal". It really seemed to fit my mood and my quest for the meaning of this latest sign. It said "The cardinal bird is symbolic of faith, so it comes to remind us to "keep the faith" though circumstances might look bleak, dark and hopeless."

I have gone back and forth trying to decipher this one. Did a cardinal visit me to tell me that my embies are gone? (death) Is my Grandmother trying to tell me that everything is going to be ok? (visited by a loved one) Is God trying to tell me that this isn't going to happen but I should have faith that my life will have some kind of meaning without a child? Or is He trying to tell me that even though I have no symptoms I should keep the faith that it worked? (religious symbolism)

No way to know until beta day. Next Saturday or Monday. I haven't decided. The most pretigious fertility clinic in the United States does not do pregnancy tests on Saturdays or Sundays. So, even though I paid my $10k + I have to wait an extra 2 days. I can get the test done locally on Sat. but I still can't get the results until Mon. God forbid somebody can read the faxed results and place a call to me. FFS. If my RE can call me at home on a Sat. to tell me blood test results why the F can't a nurse? Grrrr. I bet if Celine Dion wanted her beta on a Saturday they would do it for her.

Well, back to my Beyond Belief marathon. I love when I decide to be a couch potato and something good is on the tube!

Thanks for reading!

4 dp 3dt....trying to distract myself

Was out all day yesterday and had no time to post so here is how I remember it:

Went to a craft fair and lunch with mother and sister...not a cheesy craft fair with nothing but crocheted toilet paper doll covers (please google this and you will die laughing)and homemade sweatshirts with dogs painted on them. It wasn't all country or folksy. This craft fair had some of that stuff but they also had a lot of really nice artwork and food things. I purchased 2 french country inspired pictures. Very reminiscent of things I have purchased from the Ballard Designs catalogue ...my fave! I also picked up some fudge for H and soup mix. My mom bought my 2 yr. old niece the cutest little tutu (she calls it a ballerina skirt)so you see, it was not just an old lady craft fair. I am far too hip for that.....My Gram also stopped by in the evening with some homemade galumpki (stuffed cabbage rolls for the non-Polish readers)so it was a very full day for me.

Symptom wise I am not feeling much. Boobs are still sore and I had very sore ovaries, pubic bone, lower back, thighs and groin after being on my feet for 3 hours. It felt like I was on my last day of stims and I was lugging around 10 eggs on each ovary. I also had a bit of indigestion. All due to the progesterone,no doubt. I am starting to feel like this did not work. I'm definitely not feeling pregnant and I am beating myself up for the sins of the past few days.

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you about another picture I found (or maybe it found me....) It's a picture of a tree with a poem underneath. The poem is called "Living Life" by Bonnie Mohr. The poem really inspired me when I read it. The 1st time I saw the picture I decided to buy it...but I walked away. (Even though the words were beautiful, something in me thought it looked like the opening credits of "Tales From the Darkside".) I saw the picture a 2nd time and it cost more money so I walked away again but I was not as scared of it. The third time I saw the picture I did not like the frame but it was 1/2 the price. At the 4th vendor, I said aloud to Mom and Sis "If I find that picture here, it is meant to be mine." They both said" You won't find it here". But guess what? It is hanging on my wall now. The frame was much more expensive looking and it was $1. cheaper than all the others. If you read the poem you will understand why I decided to buy it. Something in me needed to hear those words and it was like a sign (Oh, really?) Maybe I need to focus on these words in order to have a happy life. Maybe I will not be a Mom and maybe I will need these words to comfort me in the days ahead. It makes me a little sad to think that way but a part of me felt like God was jumping right in front of me and after saying "screw you" 3 times, I finally listened to Him.

1dp 3dt

So begins the 2ww...the most dreaded time frame in an infertile's world. Technically, it is not 2 weeks.....more like 12 days from now. But it is going to feel like 2 months from now.

Still feeling a little pinching and cramping. Way too early for implantation cramping. more than likely it is just some residual cramping from the transfer. Still feeling very pregnant without actually being pregnant yet thanks to the HCG and progesterone shots. No fair to have to go through it if you do not get to take home a baby, is it? GRRRR.

So, I had an interesting experience at the acupuncturist today. The table I lay on is heated. It always feels so good and I didn't give it a 2nd thought. Just as I started to drift off, I had a terrible thought. What if I was baking my newly planted embryos? I jumped up with needles sticking out all over the place. ( In my ears, my wrists, my feet, my ankles and most notably...right in the middle of my forehead.)I tried to shut the table off but I couldn't figure it out. I ran out into the waiting room (which happened to be full of people)leaving a trail of needles behind me in search of my Acupuncturist. She ended up taking the needles right out...they were only in for about 15 min. She told me that as long as I don't put heat on my belly I would be fine. It makes sense because my clinic recommends using a heating pad after you do your progesterone shot to relieve some of the pain and make the oil distribute a little easier. I have been with her for 2 years and I should have known that she would not do anything to harm me after what she has seen me go through. Oh and FYI, I have laid on the heated table while pregnant before.....Totally acting pregnant too, huh?

So between the acupuncture incident and being worried about lifting the pots I cooked the green beans and broccoli in for dinner, I am already worried that I have messed something up. Most women don't go through this when they are pregnant. While it is kind of cool that I get to see my embryos and I know what my exact due date would be, I think I would prefer a little more mystery if I could have a little more peace of mind!!

Transfer day....breathing a sigh of relief

The news was not as bleak as we had feared.....Many of you are probably saying "I told you so" right now but remember that I am a hormonal mess.....

Only 3 out of the 4 of the embies made it to transfer day. That was honestly more than we expected and we are completely relieved and dare I say...thrilled. The RE and Embryologist called my embabies beautiful!

Wanna see?

I feel so proud. We have 1 11 cell, 1 8 cell and 1 6 cell living inside of me right now! I'm feeling a little cramping from the procedure and it's completely irrational but I like to think that cramping is my babies settling in and saying hello. FWIW, I have never had an 11 cell embie on any day 3 transfer in the past.....I've never had more than an 8. It still doesn't guarantee results but for now, my mind is at rest.

There were a few signs along the way today or what I thought were signs....because that's how I am!

I rode up in the elevator with a girl named Hope.

Another girl I met was a Labor and Delivery nurse at Mt. Sinai....a place I know all too well (thanks to Crohn's.)

When we were leaving the hospital, a very pregnant woman showed up in an ambulance ready to deliver...everyone, whether waiting for taxis or the valet stood around watching and you could just feel the happy vibes. No one was annoyed that they couldn't get their car or that the taxis could not get through. It was comforting to be a part of that at that moment.....not sure if it makes sense to you all but I was surrounded by pregnant women all day and did not feel a pang of jealousy.

We watched an rerun of Friends (still one of my fave shows. I am so ready for a reunion!)when we got home and guess what episode was on? "The One with Phoebe's Uterus". Ha! She got pregnant with triplets with fertility treatments. Granted, she was a surrogate and can I say the timing of the whole thing was completely inaccurate (well, it is a sitcom) but I am carrying 3 embryos around with me.....

I am not sure how I feel about this but the movie "Half a Dozen Babies" was on last night,too........

Sure this could all be coincidence but as I've said before....whatever gets you through the day!

Still feeling the effects of the HCG shot and progesterone at this point. I got up to pee 5 times last night and my boobs feel bruised. I am also very emotional as you might be able to tell if you read my last few posts. (Sorry about that....)

Well, thanks for reading....I will write soon!

CD 17 IVF purgatory

This has to be the worst day. I can handle waiting to see if my follicles have grown or how many follies were retrieved. And the 2ww is what it is.

But waiting to see if your embryos have made it to transfer day is someting I have never had to worry about before. What if I don't even have the chance to suffer through the 2ww? What if all of the travel and sleep deprivation was all for nothing? H and I talked a little about what we might do next. He was always against adoption and donor sperm but I thought I could change his mind. It looks like that is not going to happen. He is even backing down on donor eggs at this point. He wants me to keep doing IVFs. He just spent the last 2 weeks working like a dog, not taking care of himself and drinking more than he should have been and he wonders why our fertilization rate was so poor? He expects me to make all the sacrifices. We have always had a solid mariage but I am feeling very resentful. I am sure the sperm was the problem.

Just hoping my 4 little embabies are all still alive and ready to move into their new home. I don't care what the Drs. say...if all 4 are there they are all coming home with me.

Sorry the past few posts have been rather dark. You are getting the real me here and I am not able to drag myself out of this right now.

CD 16...no Easter miracle

10 eggs
7 mature
4 fertilized

I've never had such a poor fertilization report. I guess that makes sense since we are doing nothing but aging. We are just praying that we have live embryos when we drive all the way downstate on Tuesday for our 3 day transfer.

Cycle # 4 in October was a similar performance:

5 eggs
5 mature
4 fertilized

but only 2 made it to transfer day. My history scares me.

If Jesus Christ can rise from the dead on Easter morning why couldn't He just let me have just 1 baby? Good news is not even possible for us on Easter Sunday when renewed life is the theme of the day.

I'm so sick of praying for a miracle and getting kicked in the crotch every time. It's not like I am asking for millions or cars or fame or fortune. It's a baby. Someone else for H and I to love. H was so sad when we were driving to my parent's house for Easter dinner. He just looked at me and said that he just wants to be driving in the car with a kid in the backseat. He is tired of us showing up everywhere alone while all around us, everyone is toting their little ones. I have done a pretty good job of staying positive for the past 4 years....I have had my down days but now I just feel hopeless. No, it's not over yet but if past performance is any indication, it looks like I am on my way to a child free existence.

CD 15...layed my eggs

.....as H would say. Just in time for Easter! That cracks him up. (More like he cracks himself up since he is the one that came up with that.) They got 10 eggs and he keeps telling me that it's a "Ginger's dozen." The bad jokes don't stop, folks. Seriously, I am happy with that count. I just hope the fert. report is good news.

Everything went fairly well today with the exception of the pain...they do NOT use the goods drugs at Cornell. Just a little Tylenol to soothe my banged up ovaries. I think the swelling and bloat makes everything feel so much worse. I am drinking Tiger Woods Gatorade as I type. Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't have opened that bottle...could have been a collectors item. BTW, the flavor is called Quiet Storm. Ironic considering he is dealing with his own personal shit storm right now.

We were out the door by 12:30 but the valet's brought us the wrong car and we waited for 30 min. for them to locate it. They lost my damn car on the day of my retrieval...can you believe that? The car is replaceable, but my sock monkey was in the backseat! Gabby (his name) stays in my car because H says I need someone to make sure I don't speed since I have a fast car. (Which reminds me...I brought a banana with me to snack on yesterday and I put it on the backseat. H yelled.."Don't put it back there, the monkey will eat it!" Something else I found hysterical yesterday. Damn hormones.)

H had the girl at the desk laughing. (I was calling her personality plus....sarcastically). Close to his designated sample time, he walked up to the desk with a question about his job for the day. (I left the instructions in the car the valet's nearly lost.)

H: "Is this where I need to be to give my sample?" (H being discreet)

PP (Personality Plus): "Sample? What sample?"

H: "Sperm sample" (Said in "H whisper" ... discretion gone. The man can't whisper.)

PP: "Sperm?"

H: "Yeah, sperm. Urine's not gonna work so well here." Ba-da bum. (cue drums)

She who did not crack a smile all day did giggle for him. Um, If this girl works in an IVF unit, shouldn't she know what "sample" means?

I don't really like the way Cornell handles their retrievals. I don't like the fact that all of the women having their retrievals sit around in hospital gowns next to their "responsible parties" (husbands, partners, parents, whatev)who are in street clothes. I don't like the fact that you have to be there so early and you just sit around. It is pretty awkward.... you don't really talk to each other. I just kept trying to figure out who was older than me. Once you get closer to your Op time they move you into a tiny waiting room with just the women. (It's smaller than my closet.) There is a space for 3 people but they only have 2 magazines. Crappy magazines and I was not interested. I tried to make a little conversation with the girl across from me whose knees were touching mine (kidding but it is close quarters!) but she wasn't in the talking mood. Whatever. I mean, I don't like people talking to me on planes or trains but I figured we had something in common and could bond a little. Her loss.

They didn't make me pee before I was able to leave like most places do. I have never had a surgery (I have had about 30) without being threatened to make pee before I left the hospital. I couldn't go and I was so afraid my bladder was going to burst on the Thruway. I felt the urge around the Ramapo service station so we stopped and I also grabbed a coffee. While in line at Dunkin Donuts I saw a man with a set of twins in a stroller. (Boy, girl just like I want!) Think that's a sign? Or God's way of saying "Naaaaaaaahhhh, naaaaaaaaaahhhh look what you'll never have? I mean, why did my bladder kick in when we reached that particular stop? I'll let that get me through the next 2 weeks.

Off to put my feet up. If H comes home from the market and finds me out of bed he is going to yell.......

CD 14....pre op

Posting this a day late but just wanted to document in case we do this again (Please God let us have our baby so this will be the last time!)

Left home at 3:30am. Arrived in NYC at 6:38....yup, 8 minutes late for pre op. Found out follie count jumped to 10-12 from only 6 the day before. Yay!

Thanks to my friend C, we stayed in a very clean and comfortable hotel not far from the city. Thank you for the recommendation, C and for inviting us into your lovely home. You guys are the cutest family ever!

My expanding ovaries caught up with me somewhere around 3 pm on CD14. I blew up even more (if that is possible.) I should have never gone for a walk but it was such a warm spring day and I was craving fresh air. Good thing I was wearing last year's larger size pants from when I was pg. I have to remember to do a better job of staying off my feet after the trigger shot. I am not one to sit still so it is way too difficult but I suppose it's necessary. I felt a little better after a 3 hr. nap and a hot shower.

At least I still had my sense of humor....as a matter of fact, everything seemed so funny to me. I got to watch Wife Swap while H went to the hotel workout room (this show is not on my regular rotation but no Bravo, E, Family channel or Soap network so that was my compromise). That was cracking me up but I had a fit of hysterical laughter at bedtime (around 10:30) H was excited to finally get the remote control (as I was closing my eyes) where he stopped on CNBC and said" Here we go!" all excited like. I opened my eyes in case it was something interesting and all I saw was a man with a long white beard and glasses in what looked like a nun's habit. I started laughing and I couldn't stop. The man was Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew...someone I never heard of but for some reason I was hysterical about the fact that my H was interested in him. It turns out he was just looking for the stock quotes but he started laughing because I was laughing and we didn't calm down for about 30 minutes. Must have been a release of all of the tension from the past week. We felt like ourselves for a brief moment...before we knew we had issues, before the IVF stuff. I'll probably always remember that somewhat fondly whatever the outcome.

Thanks for reading!

CD 13...trigger day

So, I am triggering on CD 13. Really? What is with this # and me? It just won't leave me alone. (When I had my m/c last year I had 13 eggs retrieved.) And today is also April Fool's Day. I am not sure how I feel about this....Another cruel joke?

E2 was 953 and there are 6 definite follies. Still 4-6 smaller ones that may catch up. Not sue how I feel about this either. Hopefully, the EPP will help with the egg quality. I am also worried about H and his counts. He has been working really hard for the past month and getting hardly any sleep for the past week.

I can't believe I am here again...for the 5th time. Filled with hope and fear and skepticism and, I hate to say it, but desperation.

Tomorrow we go to NYC for the pre op and Sat. is the retrieval. (11:45 am)I probably won't be back to report until late Saturday or maybe Sunday...... Wish me luck!

CD 12...ovaries kicking into high gear

Finally! E2 jumped to 626 today from 341 yesterday. I had another follie catch up, too. It looks like there are now 7 follicles with 4-5 that just might catch up. I was afraid this cycle was going to be another catastrophe. Actually, I am too tired to be afraid of anything. Quality over quantity.....repeating this to myself on an hourly basis. I knew something had to be going on because I had sharp pains this afternoon in my ovaries. I actually cried out at one point and someone asked me if I was ok....if they only knew!

The mood swings are really intensifying, too. Mostly I go from anger to weeping. It could be from the lack of sleep I suppose. At least I didn't cry at the rest stop when I had my latest incident. What is it with me and rest stops? Wouldn't you think a 39 yr. old woman would know how to use a toilet? Today I picked the stall with the toilet paper that comes out in tiny pieces. By the time I was through the floor looked like I had cut myself shaving 42 times ....like I left the little pieces of tissue you put on a razor gouge to stop the bleeding all over the place. I was there so long the thing flushed like 4 times. I had problems washing my hands,too. I could't get the sink I was standing directly in front of to work but the one next to me wanted to wash my big ass handbag. My handbag had better luck with the sink sensor than I did. I really hate public bathrooms.

Today was the perfect day for acupuncture......I did have a nice rest but I am so behind on my sleep that it just wasn't enough. My back feels a little better though.

There isn't much else to say today. I am super tired and looking forward to going to bed early again so I can get up at 3 am and head south for blood work and my 6th date with the dildo cam.

CD 10 ....losing steam

Is it really only Tuesday? It feels like Friday. I just want to blow off work this week and sit on the couch with my friend, C and watch trashy TV. I may take you up on that if I don't trigger soon, C!

Today was the worst possible day to have to drive into Manhattan. Flooding would be an understatement. I'm thinking about building an arc. My poor father nearly wrecked his brand new Accord on the FDR. Thank God for my parents. They accompanied me today since H had meetings at work and I was actually able to sleep for 2 hours in the backseat. It was heavenly. Thanks M & D...love you both. That nap should help keep me going. I hope I make it.

I did learn some new words from my parents today that I thought I might share:

Frankenpine-that's a cell tower shaped like a pine tree in an effort to fool people into thinking they are not living near a cancer tower. I have honestly never seen one of these.... Where have I been? Call me a fool because even after they pointed it out it took a minute for me to realize it was fake.

Snizzling- Light rain...the precipitation formerly known as "drizzling".

They entertained me and took care of me today. I so needed it.

Mad props to my Mom for reminding me that my E2 seems to be rising slowly because it IS BEING CHECKED EVERY DAY. That has never happened at any other clinic....it's usually every 2 or 3 days. She has come a long way since asking me how my IBF was going. Yup....1 letter away from striking me with another bowel disease.

E2 is still only at 341, though. How the hell is that possible? Still only 6 follies and 4 that are trying really hard to catch up. The RE I saw today thought I would probably trigger on Thursday night. Hopefully, I have a growth spurt between now and then. I am so ready. Let's hope this is all worth it.

Back tomorrow for more monitoring. At least I have acupuncture tomorrow. It is going to be one heck of a long day but it should help me. I'll try to check in tomorrow.....

CD 9...more poking and prodding

My ovaries still felt pretty tender as I parked my car in the lot of the Northern Westchester Hospital for monitoring this morning. I forgot to mention this yesterday, but having the dildo cam dragged across follicles on steroids (or more precisely FSH and LH) hurts like hell. I think I blocked it out. Until today. When it happened again. And guess what? It is happening tomorrow,too. Back for more vaginal fun and games.......

Somehow, my follie count was off yesterday. Despite the 2 different locations, the same Dr. did my scans. Yesterday, I was under the impression I was growing about 10 but today it looked like 6 with 4-6 smaller ones that have some potential. Still 10 but I thought they were closer in size. That makes more sense though since E2 was only at 314 today. I did take my Ganirelix shot since the biggest follies are at 12-13. We don't want me ovulating on my own now, do we? Defeats the purpose and wastes about $14K!

H has an important meeting tomorrow so Mom and Dad are coming along for some company. 3 hours each way is a long day by yourself. Besides, I have a killer backache. It's getting tough to drag these huge ovaries around while performing my daily tasks. Even though I am sleep deprived and busy with my road trips I still refuse to let my house get too dirty. My poor back is paying for it.

More updates tomorrow.

CD8 and I am sick of rhyming.

I've lost my clever. I left it somewhere around Saugerties this afternoon on the drive back from the city. Too. Damn. Tired. I only slept about 20 min. on the way home thanks to a cup of coffee at breakfast. I did swear off coffee....you're right but cut me some slack. 4 hours sleep and a girl needs a nip to get through the day.

I have decided not to nap in an effort to get my ass in bed by 8 pm so I can be at Cornell in the am for b/w and u/s. The phone rang just as H and I were about to fall asleep. This is so going to wear me down. Today I don't care, though...I am rockin' some follies! 4-5 on each side and they have just begun to grow from what the RE said. All between 10.5 and 12...very even growth. I even had a few under 10 on each side. Imagine if they catch up! By now I would normally have 1 rogue follie at about 15 and they would have to give me the antagonist (ganirelix) to prevent ovulation. They are however, going to keep me on the same doses again tonight and check me in the am. I have a feeling I am going to be there every day this week....if I make it. My E2 was only at 210...up only 9 from Thursday but they weren't concerned. They thought it was because I had it drawn at a different lab. If they are not worried, I am not worried.

This follie count is very good news for me. I hope they continue to grow,of course. My last cycle I only had 6 eggs retrieved so even if I get 10 it would be an improvement. Here I go speculating all over the place......Dare I say it...I am really excited. As long as this train keeps moving I think I can manage. The good news is that my boss gave us Friday off. 1 less lie to the people at work! That is more exhausting than getting up at 3 am. I was really hoping for a weekend retrieval but it looks like that may not happen since I haven't even taken the antagonist yet. Oh well, slow and steady wins the race. For the 1st time since my loss last year, this is starting to feel possible...like we have a really good shot at becoming parents. I'm always one step ahead of myself though and that's when I fall flat on my face. Keep me grounded....ok?

Now for a little *gossip*...... Who was the movie/tv star that H & I saw with a raging case of bedhead at morning monitoring? (Who, BTW, we never would have recognized if we weren't making fun of the homeless chic hairdo. Seriously, Famous Person...a hairbrush or a hat...take your pick!) Ah....I cannot violate fertility patient confidentiality. Plus, I don't need a lawsuit. Hint: It was not Celine...we all know she goes there!

Anyway...signing off. Having an early dinner and catching up on some laundry. Then bed. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

CD11...I mean CD 7. It just feels like CD11

I've had enough of the shots. It feels like I have been waiting forever. This cycle actually started earlier than my other cycles because of the co culture and estrogen patches. I started tracking for my LH surge after my February period so I have been eating, sleeping and breathing IVF for nearly a month already.

I haven't even had my 1st follie check yet. I have the pleasure of waking up at 3 am tomorrow to head into Manhattan for clinic. H and I are going to have breakfast and then we'll head home. 6 hours round trip, remember......So, my 1st follie check will be on CD 8. Am I worried? Yup. Why? I've never had a follie check so late in the cycle before. Most of the people I talk to on EPP have their 1st follie check on CD6 or CD7. I hope I didn't ovulate yet. I am really starting to get some serious fluid flowin' down there.

Since you know how OCD I am this shouldn't be a surprise: I went back through all of my old records (the last 2 cycles since the protocols are practically the same). My CD 5 E2 level last Thursday was 201 and I was thinking that was low. Not so! Take a look at these stats:

My February 2009 cycle(d&c at 10 weeks) records showed an E2 of 190 on CD5 and that was my best performance ever. (13 eggs at retrieval.....no, I still haven't quite gotten over that bit of bad luck)

2009 My October cycle (chemical) records showed an E2 of only 169 on CD5. (That was my worst performance to date....let's hope it stays that way)

Of course this means nothing but I am not happy unless I am planning and obsessing as that is my most favorite hobby.

I gave H the good news this morning and he was thrilled. He also accused me of getting him worked up and having hysteria unnecessarily.....In the immortal words of Steve Urkel "Did I do that?" You bet. Love me, love my crazy.

Hoping for some good news tomorrow......Stay tuned for details.