Friday, May 6, 2011

Tough days ahead.......

So, if you have any sense of compassion you might realize that Mother's Day is a little tough on IFers. Not only does it remind us that we might never get to celebrate this day as a mother but we also feel bad for feeling that way. Mother's Day is about celebrating our own mothers too and we get that. I always did pretty well on Mother's day. I could focus on celebrating my Mom and at the same time, live with the hope that I might be celebrated by my own child someday.

Until 2 years ago. Two years ago, I had a D&C a few days before Mother's day. My baby's heartbeat had stopped and with it my hopes of becoming a mother were crushed again. That was the worst Mother's day and I'm sorry to say I relive it every year. And every year that goes by that I am not pregnant,it hurts a little more. Time does not heal all wounds.

Motherhood feels so far away from me right now. My husband just doesn't feel the sense of urgency that I do. I am 40 and he is fine with waiting another 2 years to save money for DE so we don't have to dip into our savings. I would like to be done by the time I am 43. I wanted to be done by 40 but it's too late for that.

So, for another year, I'll cry in the aisle while I read the Mother's day cards and I'll stay away from FB. I'll celebrate my Mom and be thankful that I still have her around to celebrate with and I'll keep praying that next year will be different.

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