Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Cruel Irony

Everywhere I go, little kids and babies are just begging for my attention. I am not kidding and it is not in my head. All of my friends kids love me,too. I say this not to brag, not because I have some inflated sense of what I mean to anyone but to simply point out how completely and utterly ridiculous my life is at the moment. I am like the goddamn Pied Piper of the Land of the Infertile. All the little ones I see want to smile at me and show me how cute they kid even tried to give me her mother's car keys......(Babies want to give me BMWs!) but my body won't let me carry a baby to term. Fucked up.

We went out to dinner last night and we were seated right by a baby who was trying to use a fork but who was wearing more french fries than she was eating. She kept staring at me and much as I wanted to ignore her and eat my dinner, my heart couldn't do it. Another little boy was playing peek-a-boo with me from ACROSS THE RESTAURANT. I am trying to steel myself. Trying not to make contact with children if I can help it. All it does is make me feel like I should be having that kind of interaction with my own baby. And I feel worse about myself and my situation. Do they somehow know? Can they sense my pain? Maybe they see a sad woman and they are trying to cheer me up. As hard as I try, I can't ignore the cuteness or the toothless grins or the pudgy little arms and legs that make me long to hold my own baby. I will be the nice lady who smiles and talks to them and tells their parents how cute and sweet and precious they are while my heart silently breaks.


  1. I am sorry. I seem to have the same problem. Kids love me and I am constantly singled out by them. It makes me feel good, but kills me all the same. Lately, I can't look at a little dark-haired girl though. Just know that they like you because you are a good person and that is some good coming from something so awful...if that makes sense.

  2. From watching my own son with you--I know it's true.
    And I know it hurts.
    I hope it is not always this way--and that you have your own child to make smile soon. I'm clinging to Dr D's thoughts like they are gospel....


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