Monday, January 17, 2011

I have a quote

I thought today would be a really good day to share one of my favorite quotes. Why today? This quote comes to us from Dr. MLK. And since I am enjoying "bumping" (posting on the bump for all you "non-bumpies") and blogging and hanging with H all thanks to Dr. King, it seemed appropriate!

Ahem....."Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."~Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have to admit that I struggle with having faith on a daily basis. I think the older you get the harder it is to have faith. Some of us go through so much and deal with so many challenges that we start to lose the belief that things will get better or even be ok ever again. I need to remind myself that I need to trust that things will turn out ok for me...whatever that has to. It always has turned out ok for me in the past. Maybe not exactly the way I wanted but I always manage to adjust. The stairs may be creaking and busted but I am managing to climb to the top.

Hope you all enjoyed your holiday....keep the faith :)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Don't call it a comeback....

or a resolution....please! This had been a gradual development. The fact that it happens to be near the beginning of the new year is purely coincidental.

Slowly but surely, things are getting back to normal. I'm starting to feel like myself again. I'm returning to who I was before the 2 year Crohn's flare and before all this IF stuff. I'm making plans again and meeting new people and reconnecting with old friends. I am determined to live in the moment instead of living for the next fertility treatment. I am still planning our next move but I am going to enjoy my life in the meantime. I can't keep believing that everything will be fine once we have our child. Hopefully, it will happen but I don't want to waste any more precious time worrying about it. I owe it to myself, my husband and our marriage to make the most of my life. Life is hard enough without me walking around with a black cloud over my head.

I'm sure I will still have sad days...and days when I won't feel like meeting friends for lunch or going to another party (I am a woman with hormones after all)but I hope those days are fewer and far between. I'm not naive enough to think I can change overnight or that I won't carry around a certain sadness until I hold my own child but I am going to try my hardest to NOT focus on all that.

I just made plans with some very good friends that I haven't seen in 3 years and I am over the moon! I cannot wait to see them. They don't know what I have been dealing with for the past few years. They know about the miscarriages but not about the IVF. To tell or not to tell? Should I tell them when I see them....or warn them before. A part of me feels the need to explain and apologize, too. For a good part of my adult life these girls knew the most about me and were my closest friends and I lost touch with them like so many others.....On the one hand, I feel like they should know why I have been so distant and they certainly have always supported me with everything. On the other hand, as I try to move forward, it might actually take me backwards, KWIM? I am so tired of defining myself by my IF.

Thanks for helping me work through this....and I'll let you know what I decide about the girls.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

My wallet is my pacifer......

I have seriously got to stop this. I hardly spent any money at Christmas but now that everything is on sale....I have become a glutton. I have Christmas cards and wrapping paper to last me a lifetime and more ornaments than my 2 trees can hold. I bought more body lotions & sprays from B&BW than I can ever use...I may have to start eating them if food and gas prices keep going up. I also have plug in air fresheners in just about every scent there is...I'll have to buy another house to use them all. I have a whole new wardrobe, too. I keep telling myself that I am saving money in the long run but after paying my monthly credit card bill, I can see that I have spent a lot more than usual.

It doesn't take a psychotherapist to tell me that I am trying to make myself feel better with "things" because I can't have what I want most. Christmas was a little harder on me than I want to admit.... 2011 is also the year I turn 40..... in less than 2 months, as a matter of fact. A baby does not seem like such an attainable goal anymore. It's like I am on a boat...headed out to sea. The shoreline just keeps getting smaller and smaller and farther away. I know it's still there, but it's too far away to swim to. Getting there will be harder and it will take longer.

The sad part is...I am supposed to be watching my spending in case we do another cycle.....or move on to DE. I'll just have to be good starting now. I don't want to rack up any credit card debt. In the meantime, me and my house smell fabulous and I have a new outfit for any occasion. I better find a new hobby.....

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