Friday, April 23, 2010

EDD for IVF (and m/c) #1

That's today. April 23rd. I would have had a 1 year old if that pregnancy worked out. I didn't realize it until I sent a fax at work today and had to write the date.

I'm in treatment. Or I will be soon. I took the 1st available appt. which happens to be 3 weeks from now. I can't do this by myself anymore.

I am mad at the world. I am so sad I can't breathe. I am so tired but I can't sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night having panic attacks because I just don't know where my life is headed. I am so scared that something will happen to my husband and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I have no faith. I try to pray but I am still so angry about my miscarriage (not to mention the years of hell thanks to 30+ Crohn's surgeries)that it feels empty. I don't actually believe anything will come of it. When I pray for other people, the prayers are usually answered. Praying for myself just brings me more pain and I get the exact opposite of what I ask for. I haven't really had the happiest adult life ...between the disease(14 years and counting) and the infertility and not meeting my husband until late in life (at age 32)I don't know how much more I can take and I don't want to find out.

I probably should have been seeing someone all along but the last Therapist I saw was a fucking wing nut. This is what she told me when I told her I was scared that IVF #1 wouldn't work: "You don't know how life works. Maybe being childless was something you decided on before birth and you are going against all of the decisions you already made for your life." WTF? You don't say that shit to a Catholic. She also wanted to make me lick the toilet seat in her office building because I have an issue with germs. (A little background: I was taking a drug for Crohn's that weakens the immune system and I could catch colds very easily so I tend to Purell regularly.)Yeah, she was not a good match.

When I am going through a tough time, I don't want anyone near me. I don't want visitors. I don't want to talk on the phone and I don't want anyone touching me. I will deal with things by myself. I have to get through it by myself. At the end of the day, I am all I have. Yes, there are people who care about me and want to offer support but I have to come to terms with this by myself. I don't want people telling me it's not meant to be or that it will happen in God's time, not mine. I don't want to hear that I am too "Type A" and that I need to relax or it will never happen. I don't want anyone telling me I am strong. I am not strong. I want to curl up in a ball and not face the world. Does that sound like something a strong woman would say? I cannot face a pregnant woman and I don't want to be around children. I am in a pathetic place, an irrational, emotionally charged, drama induced state and I don't want anyone to see that, either. Oddly, writing helps. So does screaming at people who cut me off in traffic.

Hopefully, someone with a professional background will be able to help me resolve some of my feelings about all that has happened to me. And help me come to terms with a future I couldn't have imagined in my worst dreams.

I do want to thank everyone who has emailed me and left comments to offer me hugs and support. I appreciate it so much. I know you have all "been there" and you know my pain. The fact that you are still reading kind of blows my mind because these are some bad posts. Even I can see that. I will update on the message boards soon. One step at a time. Thanks for listening.

1 comment:

  1. Life can hurt like hell. I'm glad you are getting in to see someone. I just wish it could be sooner. It helped me so much. it helps with IF, it is helping me fix some of the damage that this has caused to my marriage...
    I know what you don't want to hear. Also know what you don't want to hear from me.
    So I'll just say, I'm always thinking about you, checking in, and yes--praying for you.
    I hope time, therapy, and your own heart heal things for you. I will never stop reading what you have to say, nor emailing every now and then...but I won't call until you tell me to call.
    I hate what you've gone through, I hate what you are going don't deserve it. I can only pray. Miss you.


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