This post was hard to write. Every time I started to write something, I changed my mind. It's hard to share my true feelings without sounding like a whiny infertile. In my day to day life, I bottle most of my emotions. Otherwise, people would probably run in the other direction when they see me. Those who have never had a pregnancy loss or those who have never been told they will never have a baby the "old fashioned way" may never understand the message I am hoping to convey but I am going to try. Deep breath...
For the most part, I think I do a decent job handling myself around the fertile population. I run into pregnant women in stores and at parties...my dear friend is even pregnant and H & I have been hanging with her and her husband quite a bit. We have even committed to watching their 2 year old when she delivers and I'm more than happy to help. I'm even fine around people with little ones...my sister has 2 kids and that in itself doesn't bother me. But there is a part of me that can't let go of the hurt and anger I feel about the losses I have suffered and the pain I feel that we might never have a child. On the outside I am ok but our situation has made me even more sensitive than I already am. Life becomes a minefield of situations and events that I need to tiptoe around. Hoping each and every step doesn't result in something blowing up in my face.
There is a certain vulnerability that goes along with being infertile. I guess I am finally admitting that I am infertile,BTW. All a long, I have convinced myself that my H is infertile and I am just old. Old = infertile, unfortunately. Anyway,there are things that happen in daily life that can feel like an attack on your IF status.
It would be great if all of the people you came into contact with on a daily basis would be sensitive to your vulnerability but that's not necessarily the case. Even your "loved ones" forget what it is like for you to live with the constant ache and sadness while you are putting on a happy face. The emotional impact of infertility is far reaching; it permeates every aspect of your life. Sadness and mourning come as you realize that what you wanted is not happening. Losses include not having a baby, the loss of the pregnancy experience, loss of self esteem, changes in friendships, and changes in the relationship with your husband.
Infertility is like throwing a rock into a still pond; it has a ripple effect into all aspects of your life. Infertility is a crisis. Life goes into a holding pattern and you just feel stuck. Parents choosing to spend time with the child that has children instead of the sad infertiles and sisters who tell you they are ready to start TTCing can feel like a sucker punch in the gut.
I also think that when you show your vulnerability, people can take advantage of that. They might not mean to do so, but a snarky comment thrown your way when someone gets their feelings hurt by you can take on a deeper level of hurt. I am afraid my fellow bloggers and message board friends are the only ones who can truly understand. Most of the people in your life want you to be ok and cannot handle your raw emotions. When you are hurting and lashing out they say that they want to be there for you but when push comes to shove....they make it about themselves.
It's hard not to take everything personally when not having children and working towards building a family is what your life is all about. For you...it always will be deeply personal.
I have moved
10 months ago