Sunday, November 28, 2010

1dp the loss of all hope/faith/belief....The first of possibly many hormone induced "Drama Queen" posts.

Seriously, my body doesn't know what the hell is going on. I obviously got my period last Monday at 6dp3dt and H has been shooting my ass with progesterone the whole time. It's like I am getting periods back to back and I have a wicked case of PMS. I am weepy and angry and I just feel lost. The Prozac can't even touch this. Not to mention the cramps and backache and breakout. The only good thing is that I have lost 5 lbs. since my jeggings are baggy.

This was honestly the worst Thanksgiving I have ever had. I have spent Thanksgiving alone and I have been to places where the food was so awful it made me long for my mother's stuffing.

I spent this Thanksgiving in limbo with no family around. I had to stay off my feet so I couldn't really go anywhere but no one in my family even came to see me. They all went to my sister's house (the one with kids). I kept hoping all day that someone would surprise me...but no one ever showed up. I could have used some cheering up. Not the day after, either. I guess they were too tired. By the time Saturday rolled around, I was so hurt that it just added to my anger and pain over what I was already going through. Even my Grandma didn't visit and she drives by my house on her way home. Thank goodness for my husband. And my friends. I had numerous friends (the ones that know what we are dealing with) offer to meet me for coffee or dinner or just to get together to talk. My family told me that they missed me but they couldn't have missed me that much since they all live in the area. I bet if I had kids, they would have made more of an effort to see me.

Just another depressing part of being infertile. You really don't seem to count. Or that's what it feels like....especially when you are hopped up on hormones. H's parents treated us the same way over the summer when BIL and his pg wife came to visit. I jumped through hoops and did cartwheels trying to make the visit nice for them but all they could do was focus on the pg one.

I guess this is just an unattractive part of what I am going through. No one likes a person who feels sorry for themselvs so I think the best thing for me to do right now is to distance myself from everyone. It's probably the best thing for myself and for them. No one knows how to act in such an uncomfortable situation anyway. It's not their fault I am going through this. I am going to do my best to focus on my husband and making him happy. All we have is each's clear that we are simply going to be a family of 2 and that we are not going to be blessed with a child of our own. I am not quite sure how to move forward knowing that I have had a baby inside of me but that I never got the chance to meet him. And that I'll never get that chance again.

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