Why is it that every time something bad happens it has a snowball effect? I feel like I am constantly being kicked when I am down. Not only am on on my 6th and final failed IVF cycle and trying to figure out how to live child free but everything seems to be crashing down around me. Work is awful...I have some serious issues with my boss right now. You already know that H's SIL is pregnant and I uninvited them to my house for Thanksgiving...H's parents are not very happy about that. I also just found out my sister who is dating a man who is still married just bought a house. (She kept telling me as soon as she buys a house she is going to TTC). Just what I need...another pregnancy in my face. I cannot even bring myself to be around her or anyone else in my family or H's family. It's far too painful for me to see everyone around me blessed with what I want most in the world but will never have.
I'm seriously trying hard to figure out what I have done that is so bad in my life to deserve the shit that is thrown at me. I have not really had much happiness. I try to smile and pretend like I have a great life but it's been pretty tough and I just don't have the strength left. I spent so many years having surgery after surgery. My Crohn's put stress on every job I ever had...bosses started to get irritated about me taking time off for medical leave. It ruined every wedding I was ever in...including my own. I couldn't even have sex with my husband on our honeymoon because I was healing from surgery. I was even so sick when we moved into our new home that I had to have emergency surgery. As soon as things got better with the Crohn's, I was 37 and we found out about H's MFI. We stared IVF and it's been one loss after another. The loss of having a child the conventional way...not to mention this miscarriages.
I just don't know how to turn things around. Every time I think things are ok and I am the tiniest bit happy, the rug is pulled out from under me. H will not let me do DE and he will not pay for adoption, either. I have to figure out how to live child free. Right now, we are trying to finish up some work in the house. We are going to sell....we don't need a big house for the 2 of us if we even stay together. We are in such different places. I can't be happy just with him and he is not willing to pursue having a family. At this point, we don't know if we are going to make it as a couple. I am losing everything I love and it sucks so much.
I have moved
11 months ago