Monday, November 29, 2010

When it rains, it pours

Why is it that every time something bad happens it has a snowball effect? I feel like I am constantly being kicked when I am down. Not only am on on my 6th and final failed IVF cycle and trying to figure out how to live child free but everything seems to be crashing down around me. Work is awful...I have some serious issues with my boss right now. You already know that H's SIL is pregnant and I uninvited them to my house for Thanksgiving...H's parents are not very happy about that. I also just found out my sister who is dating a man who is still married just bought a house. (She kept telling me as soon as she buys a house she is going to TTC). Just what I need...another pregnancy in my face. I cannot even bring myself to be around her or anyone else in my family or H's family. It's far too painful for me to see everyone around me blessed with what I want most in the world but will never have.

I'm seriously trying hard to figure out what I have done that is so bad in my life to deserve the shit that is thrown at me. I have not really had much happiness. I try to smile and pretend like I have a great life but it's been pretty tough and I just don't have the strength left. I spent so many years having surgery after surgery. My Crohn's put stress on every job I ever had...bosses started to get irritated about me taking time off for medical leave. It ruined every wedding I was ever in...including my own. I couldn't even have sex with my husband on our honeymoon because I was healing from surgery. I was even so sick when we moved into our new home that I had to have emergency surgery. As soon as things got better with the Crohn's, I was 37 and we found out about H's MFI. We stared IVF and it's been one loss after another. The loss of having a child the conventional way...not to mention this miscarriages.

I just don't know how to turn things around. Every time I think things are ok and I am the tiniest bit happy, the rug is pulled out from under me. H will not let me do DE and he will not pay for adoption, either. I have to figure out how to live child free. Right now, we are trying to finish up some work in the house. We are going to sell....we don't need a big house for the 2 of us if we even stay together. We are in such different places. I can't be happy just with him and he is not willing to pursue having a family. At this point, we don't know if we are going to make it as a couple. I am losing everything I love and it sucks so much.


  1. I honestly don't know what to say, but I'm not going to pretend that I'm not stalking you and checking in on you either. I'm here if you need me, you don't even have to ask twice. We can just sit and watch TV together or we can talk or we can cry or we can whatever. Just know that I'm here. xoxo

  2. I'm very, very sorry. I truly wish there was something I could say to make you feel even the tiniest bit better but I know there really isnt anything anyone can say at this point. I pray things start to look up for you, if anyone is due for a break its you. Take it one moment, issue, and day at a time. don't look at the big picture right now you'll just get overwhelmed. Love, prayers, and hope to you.

  3. I have been reading your blog for awhile, even when in hiatus and just never written...I myself am in the same situation - 5 failed IVF's and just finished my last failed cycle just slightly before you. I want to keep trying but similarly I am mentally, emotionally and physically drained. I have been pricked and poked and taken so many different drugs that don't even know what it is like to be and feel normal without any drugs in my system anymore. There is the same fear that it will never happen and I don't see an end in sight. Similar to you, I just don't get it and don't understand why this is happening to me. For Thanksgiving my sister-in-laws brother was "dating" a girl with 4 children under the age of 8 from 2 different fathers. She unexpectedly brought all the kids with her - I just couldn't take it. I mean she can have not just 1 but 4 kids and not be in a stable relationship and I can't even have 1. I would take one home and she practically would not notice. I just don't get it. I know it is not my fault but it is hard not to blame yourself. I feel like my life has been in a holding pattern for so long and I need to turn the page. It is hard for me to come to the realization that it will probably never happen. I am not sure when I will say enough i enough and say I need to do something else. Also similarly, when it rains it career is also frustrating and it seems like what was once an amazing aspect of my life that I totally loved is now just a job and can't deal with the daily bs. I wish I could be more positive and say that good things happen to good people and your day will come but similarly to mine, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am there as well.


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