I'm not sure how many more of these I can take. It gets harder and harder to pass any kind of milestone but Christmas....Christmas is for children. Toy commercials every other minute, pretty little Christmas dresses and handsome miniature Christmas suits jumping out at you in every store. Songs about Santa and Rudolph and Frosty. I know...."Jesus is the reason for the season" but the advertisers sure know how to make an infertile feel extra sad about not being a parent. Not to mention all the little kids at church who are asleep on the parent's shoulder or crawling under the pew to say hello or the ones being dragged from store to store in search of the perfect gift. All of this serves as a reminder of what's missing and it makes for a sad time of year. Sure, I have moments of joy. I just know that there is a way for my heart to be bursting with joy every minute...wanna guess what that is?
It's no secret that I have lost my way. My faith has been shattered, my beliefs shaken to the core. I haven't been to church (except on Christmas simply because of family obligations)since my miscarriage. I am still angry with God. I try to beilieve but I'm so confused. I was at church on Christmas Eve with my husband and my family. We were at my Grandma's church....a church I had been to so many times as a child. She was so happy to have her whole family together and I let my heart open up a bit. I did ask God for a sign at mass. A sign that everything would work out and that we would have our miracle...a healthy baby. I told Him I needed it to restore my faith.
I didn't get a sign at that moment....not even that night. H & I did see something on Christmas that immediately brought tears to my eyes, though.
Check this out!
That's a full rainbow. Neither of us had ever seen a rainbow like that before. We saw where it began and where it ended. It may be kind of corny but my heart wants to believe that this was God's way of telling me that we will be parents...that there is an end in sight. It's like when Noah saw the rainbow and he knew there would never be another flood. For now, it is comforting me.
I know I usually don't get too religious, but I felt it was important to explain. Thanks for reading.
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