I'm always looking for confirmation that I'm doing the right thing. I know that there are no guarantees in life but the kinds of decisions I have had to make in the past 15 years or so have been big, life changing types of decisions and I like to know that I am on the right path. I know I've posted about signs before but the things that have happened to me the past few weeks are like nothing I have ever felt... my head and my heart are in tune and this make me...makes us (H is even a believer) think that it's still possible for us to become parents...through adoption. As promised, here's the scoop:
The night before my appt. for my baseline blood work and u/s for IVF #7, I attended a "Girls Night In" event that one of my friends holds on a monthly basis. After attending for about a year, I thought I had met just about everyone on the monthly guest list but there was woman there who I hadn't met yet and she had recently brought her little boy home after waiting for nearly 2 years. She happened to use the very same adoption agency that the couple in the restaurant used all those years ago. She was very open about the process and made me feel so comfortable about pursuing adoption. After talking with her in depth, it really seemed like adoption might actually be affordable and not as daunting as I had originally thought. I still didn't mention anything to H but I was certainly mulling it over. She has offered to help me and we are going to meet next week to talk specifics.
~CYCLE #7 happens~ AKA my last shot
Two days after my negative pregnancy test, H came home from work and told me about a guy at work that approached him. He overheard H talking to me on the phone and he knows we have been trying for the past 6 years or so. He did not want to pry but he told H that he and his wife couldn't have kids and that they adopted. He told H that it is not as expensive or as difficult to navigate as people think. He offered to talk to H about it if and when he was ready. H came home that day and told me that we can adopt. H is struggling a little bit with how to parent an adopted child and how to discuss that particular path to parenthood with our future child. After a few beers at lunch one day with the guy from his office, he's starting to get quite comfortable with the idea. H was never really in love with the idea of adoption....mostly because of the money and bureaucracy so for him to agree to adopting was huge.
The very next day, my sis emailed me. She had no idea if I was interested in what she had to say or not but she said she loved me and she didn't want to see me give up. She told me about her friend from high school (who had just found her on FB.) It seems as though this girl had just signed with an adoption agency (nope,not the same one) and she was willing to help me and answer any questions I might have. People seemed to be coming out of the woodwork to guide us along this journey.
While shopping with my other sis, I decided to share the news about this next chapter of our lives. We happened to be talking about the woman I met at GNI and how she used the same adoption agency as the woman from the restaurant. A few minutes later I was shocked to see her in the front of one of the stores at the mall. I had no idea she worked there....apparently it's only like once a month. What are the odds? My sis and I were planning on shopping at another mall but changed our minds at the last minute. I got chills and knew it had to be some kind of sign. My sister said that it was basically God hitting me upside the head and that I need to pay attention and take action. I've had signs before...all throughout my IVF years but this feels different. It feels like doors and windows are opening up everywhere I look and I know it won't be easy..... but it feels like it will be.
Since then, every time I have any kind of doubt...about the expense or about the baby being taken back by his or her birth mother (you name it, I've freaked about it)something happens to calm my fears. Once, it was the movie "Like Dandelion Dust" showing on my (occasional)Friday night LMN movie night. If you haven't seen it, it's about a birth mother who starts the process of taking her child back from his adoptive parents.
In the end, the birth mother realizes that the child is better off with his adoptive parents.
Another day, I was worrying about bonding with my adopted child and the host of the talk radio show I listen to on the way home had a lot to say about adoption and the relationship he has with his adoptive parents. He started talking about it the week that apple guy died (since he was adopted) and he talked IN DEPTH about how his bio parents are just how he got here and how his adoptive parents are his Mom and Dad. From the moment I pulled out of my parking lot at work to the moment I pulled into my driveway-not a minute more or less, I listened to him talk about his experience as an adopted child. It brought me to tears.
The same night, I was watching Private Practice and there was a storyline about a young woman who had no uterus. They tried a transplant with her um, grandmother's uterus. (My ute is fine, thanks and I know this is odd.... but it's tv)What spoke to me was the speech that her RE gave her when the ute transplant failed. Picture the very handsome, Benjamin Bratt with tears in his eyes while you read on: "We knew it was a long shot but we tried. Your mother knew it wasn't giving birth to you that defined her. It was the 1st time you looked into her eyes and smiled,the 1st time you fell asleep on her shoulder and she barley let herself breathe because she never wanted that moment to end. You will have your baby however she comes into the world and you will love her incredibly well because your mom taught you that that's all that matters." DISCLAIMER: *Those are not my words.....those are words I copied from Private Practice after rewinding the DVR 5 or 6 times to get it just right*
Love IS all that matters. I know there is a child out there that needs us...that needs our love and attention just as much as we need him or her.
Now, we have a long way to go. We have only just begun doing our research and we are still learning...but it feels like we are moving toward something real. For the 1st time, we can actually see ourselves as parents and we are so excited.
Thanks for listening.
I have moved
11 months ago