Monday, April 5, 2010

CD 17 IVF purgatory

This has to be the worst day. I can handle waiting to see if my follicles have grown or how many follies were retrieved. And the 2ww is what it is.

But waiting to see if your embryos have made it to transfer day is someting I have never had to worry about before. What if I don't even have the chance to suffer through the 2ww? What if all of the travel and sleep deprivation was all for nothing? H and I talked a little about what we might do next. He was always against adoption and donor sperm but I thought I could change his mind. It looks like that is not going to happen. He is even backing down on donor eggs at this point. He wants me to keep doing IVFs. He just spent the last 2 weeks working like a dog, not taking care of himself and drinking more than he should have been and he wonders why our fertilization rate was so poor? He expects me to make all the sacrifices. We have always had a solid mariage but I am feeling very resentful. I am sure the sperm was the problem.

Just hoping my 4 little embabies are all still alive and ready to move into their new home. I don't care what the Drs. say...if all 4 are there they are all coming home with me.

Sorry the past few posts have been rather dark. You are getting the real me here and I am not able to drag myself out of this right now.

1 comment:

  1. sometimes IF kicks the shit out of us. And it's ok when that happens--as long as you get up and get going again. I am praying so hard for good news for you tomorrow--you are a tough, amazing, lovely person whom I am so blessed to have gotten to know--and yes, I adore even the darker side of you. God knows I have one too...
    And marriage. IF has kicked the shit out of my marriage at times. But we persevere. And we work at making it better. You and "Ebben" will be okay. Everything you feel right now is so so so normal considering your circumstances. But keep the faith. Keep saying the prayers. Keep the hope. And you can think about the next steps if you have to get there...take it one day, hour, minute at a time...
    love to you, and will not stop thinking of you tomorrow...xxooo


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