Monday, March 1, 2010

Unhappy birthday.

When I was growing up, I always thought I would be a mom. I expected to be married with children by the time I was 25. It was something I guess I took for granted since I grew up with a stay at home mom (as did most of my friends.) When I reached adulthood, it was a much different world. Most of the girls I went to school with planned on going to college and having it all. I was no exception. I hadn't met anyone in college and I began to focus on building a career in finance. I did very well and had a really fun single life. I had boyfriends here and there but no one to settle down with.

In my late 20s, I stretched my timeline a bit. I would be married with children by the time I was 35. That was perfectly acceptable. Most of my friends were just starting to get married and none of them had kids yet.

To make a long story a little less long, I never met the love of my life until 2002 at the age of 31. We got married when I was 34 and I stretched my timeline once again. We would have kids by the time I was 40. If we didn't have any by then, we would probably live a child free life. (Of course, I never expected this would be the case. )Fast forward to 2010 and I just turned 39. (And in case you are boy toy is 36)

So, in addition to dealing with my last birthday in my 30s, I am struggling with what happens next in our lives regarding children. If this next cycle doesn't work, do we quit and live child free like we originally assumed? Or do we adopt? Should we try a DE cycle? I always said I didn't want to be pregnant at 40 but if IVF# 5 is a BFN, I will have to be if we are going to continue.

Needless to say, I had a wicked case of what my mom calls "Birthday Girl Syndrome". Classic bad behavior. H kind of made plans and then took them back. (Work to do on a rental we own and need to rent out by 4/1 so, I get it.) My birthday plans consisted of shopping and me making my own bday dinner reservations for Saturday night. (My bday was Monday)
On Monday, everyone at work forgot my birthday (FWIW, I never forget a bday. A week after my m/c a girl at work had a bday and I had a card for her.)
We ate leftovers but H expected me to make the vegetable.(Huh?)He gave me a gift card to my favorite store (LOFT) and that was nice but he also gave me this really strange piece of ceramic thing. It was supposed to be a sheep but it's body is a head of cauliflower. Link:See it here. (Huh?) He said he bought it because I liked some cow in the Ballard Design catalogue. Hmmm. Cow vs. sheep (or actually, cow vs. cauliflower.) I know, it's the thought that counts but I was in a terrible mood.
The final straw was when he went to sing "Happy Birthday" to me and he forgot the words. Who has ever forgotten the words to "Happy birthday"? My 2 year old niece sang them to herself a few days ago. Ginger goes Pulp Fiction on her H.... "Are you fucking with me?" "How old are you?" "How many birthdays have you been to in the past year?"

On top of all that, I began "O watch". I had my very 1st experience with an OPK and while I have taken many pregnancy tests in my lifetime, I still proceeded to dump a full cup of urine on myself and my freshly cleaned bathroom floor on the morning of my birthday. Good times.

Let's just say, I am glad the day is over. Too much drama and too much pressure. I bet it's no secret what I wished for when I blew out my candles, is it?

Thanks for letting me whine.

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