CD 12...ovaries kicking into high gear

Finally! E2 jumped to 626 today from 341 yesterday. I had another follie catch up, too. It looks like there are now 7 follicles with 4-5 that just might catch up. I was afraid this cycle was going to be another catastrophe. Actually, I am too tired to be afraid of anything. Quality over quantity.....repeating this to myself on an hourly basis. I knew something had to be going on because I had sharp pains this afternoon in my ovaries. I actually cried out at one point and someone asked me if I was ok....if they only knew!

The mood swings are really intensifying, too. Mostly I go from anger to weeping. It could be from the lack of sleep I suppose. At least I didn't cry at the rest stop when I had my latest incident. What is it with me and rest stops? Wouldn't you think a 39 yr. old woman would know how to use a toilet? Today I picked the stall with the toilet paper that comes out in tiny pieces. By the time I was through the floor looked like I had cut myself shaving 42 times ....like I left the little pieces of tissue you put on a razor gouge to stop the bleeding all over the place. I was there so long the thing flushed like 4 times. I had problems washing my hands,too. I could't get the sink I was standing directly in front of to work but the one next to me wanted to wash my big ass handbag. My handbag had better luck with the sink sensor than I did. I really hate public bathrooms.

Today was the perfect day for acupuncture......I did have a nice rest but I am so behind on my sleep that it just wasn't enough. My back feels a little better though.

There isn't much else to say today. I am super tired and looking forward to going to bed early again so I can get up at 3 am and head south for blood work and my 6th date with the dildo cam.

CD 10 ....losing steam

Is it really only Tuesday? It feels like Friday. I just want to blow off work this week and sit on the couch with my friend, C and watch trashy TV. I may take you up on that if I don't trigger soon, C!

Today was the worst possible day to have to drive into Manhattan. Flooding would be an understatement. I'm thinking about building an arc. My poor father nearly wrecked his brand new Accord on the FDR. Thank God for my parents. They accompanied me today since H had meetings at work and I was actually able to sleep for 2 hours in the backseat. It was heavenly. Thanks M & D...love you both. That nap should help keep me going. I hope I make it.

I did learn some new words from my parents today that I thought I might share:

Frankenpine-that's a cell tower shaped like a pine tree in an effort to fool people into thinking they are not living near a cancer tower. I have honestly never seen one of these.... Where have I been? Call me a fool because even after they pointed it out it took a minute for me to realize it was fake.

Snizzling- Light rain...the precipitation formerly known as "drizzling".

They entertained me and took care of me today. I so needed it.

Mad props to my Mom for reminding me that my E2 seems to be rising slowly because it IS BEING CHECKED EVERY DAY. That has never happened at any other clinic....it's usually every 2 or 3 days. She has come a long way since asking me how my IBF was going. Yup....1 letter away from striking me with another bowel disease.

E2 is still only at 341, though. How the hell is that possible? Still only 6 follies and 4 that are trying really hard to catch up. The RE I saw today thought I would probably trigger on Thursday night. Hopefully, I have a growth spurt between now and then. I am so ready. Let's hope this is all worth it.

Back tomorrow for more monitoring. At least I have acupuncture tomorrow. It is going to be one heck of a long day but it should help me. I'll try to check in tomorrow.....

CD 9...more poking and prodding

My ovaries still felt pretty tender as I parked my car in the lot of the Northern Westchester Hospital for monitoring this morning. I forgot to mention this yesterday, but having the dildo cam dragged across follicles on steroids (or more precisely FSH and LH) hurts like hell. I think I blocked it out. Until today. When it happened again. And guess what? It is happening tomorrow,too. Back for more vaginal fun and games.......

Somehow, my follie count was off yesterday. Despite the 2 different locations, the same Dr. did my scans. Yesterday, I was under the impression I was growing about 10 but today it looked like 6 with 4-6 smaller ones that have some potential. Still 10 but I thought they were closer in size. That makes more sense though since E2 was only at 314 today. I did take my Ganirelix shot since the biggest follies are at 12-13. We don't want me ovulating on my own now, do we? Defeats the purpose and wastes about $14K!

H has an important meeting tomorrow so Mom and Dad are coming along for some company. 3 hours each way is a long day by yourself. Besides, I have a killer backache. It's getting tough to drag these huge ovaries around while performing my daily tasks. Even though I am sleep deprived and busy with my road trips I still refuse to let my house get too dirty. My poor back is paying for it.

More updates tomorrow.

CD8 and I am sick of rhyming.

I've lost my clever. I left it somewhere around Saugerties this afternoon on the drive back from the city. Too. Damn. Tired. I only slept about 20 min. on the way home thanks to a cup of coffee at breakfast. I did swear off coffee....you're right but cut me some slack. 4 hours sleep and a girl needs a nip to get through the day.

I have decided not to nap in an effort to get my ass in bed by 8 pm so I can be at Cornell in the am for b/w and u/s. The phone rang just as H and I were about to fall asleep. This is so going to wear me down. Today I don't care, though...I am rockin' some follies! 4-5 on each side and they have just begun to grow from what the RE said. All between 10.5 and 12...very even growth. I even had a few under 10 on each side. Imagine if they catch up! By now I would normally have 1 rogue follie at about 15 and they would have to give me the antagonist (ganirelix) to prevent ovulation. They are however, going to keep me on the same doses again tonight and check me in the am. I have a feeling I am going to be there every day this week....if I make it. My E2 was only at 210...up only 9 from Thursday but they weren't concerned. They thought it was because I had it drawn at a different lab. If they are not worried, I am not worried.

This follie count is very good news for me. I hope they continue to grow,of course. My last cycle I only had 6 eggs retrieved so even if I get 10 it would be an improvement. Here I go speculating all over the place......Dare I say it...I am really excited. As long as this train keeps moving I think I can manage. The good news is that my boss gave us Friday off. 1 less lie to the people at work! That is more exhausting than getting up at 3 am. I was really hoping for a weekend retrieval but it looks like that may not happen since I haven't even taken the antagonist yet. Oh well, slow and steady wins the race. For the 1st time since my loss last year, this is starting to feel possible...like we have a really good shot at becoming parents. I'm always one step ahead of myself though and that's when I fall flat on my face. Keep me grounded....ok?

Now for a little *gossip*...... Who was the movie/tv star that H & I saw with a raging case of bedhead at morning monitoring? (Who, BTW, we never would have recognized if we weren't making fun of the homeless chic hairdo. Seriously, Famous Person...a hairbrush or a hat...take your pick!) Ah....I cannot violate fertility patient confidentiality. Plus, I don't need a lawsuit. Hint: It was not Celine...we all know she goes there!

Anyway...signing off. Having an early dinner and catching up on some laundry. Then bed. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

CD11...I mean CD 7. It just feels like CD11

I've had enough of the shots. It feels like I have been waiting forever. This cycle actually started earlier than my other cycles because of the co culture and estrogen patches. I started tracking for my LH surge after my February period so I have been eating, sleeping and breathing IVF for nearly a month already.

I haven't even had my 1st follie check yet. I have the pleasure of waking up at 3 am tomorrow to head into Manhattan for clinic. H and I are going to have breakfast and then we'll head home. 6 hours round trip, remember......So, my 1st follie check will be on CD 8. Am I worried? Yup. Why? I've never had a follie check so late in the cycle before. Most of the people I talk to on EPP have their 1st follie check on CD6 or CD7. I hope I didn't ovulate yet. I am really starting to get some serious fluid flowin' down there.

Since you know how OCD I am this shouldn't be a surprise: I went back through all of my old records (the last 2 cycles since the protocols are practically the same). My CD 5 E2 level last Thursday was 201 and I was thinking that was low. Not so! Take a look at these stats:

My February 2009 cycle(d&c at 10 weeks) records showed an E2 of 190 on CD5 and that was my best performance ever. (13 eggs at retrieval.....no, I still haven't quite gotten over that bit of bad luck)

2009 My October cycle (chemical) records showed an E2 of only 169 on CD5. (That was my worst performance to date....let's hope it stays that way)

Of course this means nothing but I am not happy unless I am planning and obsessing as that is my most favorite hobby.

I gave H the good news this morning and he was thrilled. He also accused me of getting him worked up and having hysteria unnecessarily.....In the immortal words of Steve Urkel "Did I do that?" You bet. Love me, love my crazy.

Hoping for some good news tomorrow......Stay tuned for details.

CD6...belly full of needle pricks

2 shots every night on the right side of my belly for 4 nighs in a row = one sore belly. The estrogen patch is still stuck to me. That means my left side is off limits. The patch has gotten kind of linty around the edges and my skin is a little red underneath but I was told to keep it on for a week (that would be Sunday)I had a dream during my afternoon nap today that I ripped it off and it felt sooooooooooooo good. It's itchy. No wonder there are so many older women (50+) walking around so bitchy. They are probably wearing estrogen patches that itch. I can't wait to be able to shoot up on the other side. I'll probably start the ganirelix on Sunday night and I don't think the right side of my belly can handle a 3rd shot. I'm really starting to get that familiar "full" feeling in my ovaries. I find it so hard to believe that my E2 was only at 201 yesterday by the way I feel. Well, a lot can change overnight.


Time for my shots.....and to catch up with the Real Housewives of NYC.

CD5.....Estrogen took a dive

My e2 came back at only 201 today. I was aware that the level dips and rise in an EPP cycle, but that seems really low for 3 days of stims. If you remember, my E2 level at my baseline appt. on Mon. was 319. The nurse told me that my level was good and that it was totally normal but they never say anything bad because they don't want to freak you out.

A low estrogen level can mean 1 of 2 things:

1. There are not very many follicles growing (this is my biggest fear...I had a really bad # for my last IVF...only 6 eggs at retrieval and I feel like all of my good eggs are gone.)

2. The follicles are not responding well to the stims. (Another bad sign...I am on really high doses of stims. 300 Follistim and 150 Menopur. I don't know how much higher we can go to get results)

The follicles create estrogen so low e2= either low follicle # or follicles that are not growing. The REs usually like to see a level of 150-200 per mature follicle at the time of your trigger. Trigger = 36 hours before ER.

It is looking more and more like my ER (or at least my pre op) might be on Easter...Mom, if you are reading....don't freak out. H said that makes sense for the bunny to come take my eggs away on Easter. No little kid wants to find these eggs in their basket!

This is really all speculation until my 1st follie check. They moved that to Sunday which is another thing that is bothering me. It was supposed to be Sat. but they clearly think that there won't be enough growth by Sat. due to my E2 level. If you haven't realized in yet, I am pretty good at catastrophising (is that a word?)everything. Me... always with the worst case scenario.

At this point, I'm just praying that my body responds to the meds. The one good sign is that they didn't increase my drug dose.......

Off to shower and do some shots (sub-q...not teqilla)

CD4...my mind is at war

It's too early in the cycle to be so up and down about this. My mental state changes by the minute. One minute I am thinking that this has to work because it is our last shot, because we deserve this, becasue THIS IS CORNELL. The next minute my mind wanders to the dark side and I think it can't possibly work because it is our last shot,because many people deserve this yet they never get it, because Cornell is just a place and if this is going to happen, it is up to my body to let it.

I did have an excellent acupuincture appt. this afternoon. The headache I have been carrying around with me for the past few days is gone and the tension in my neck and shoulders has subsided. For now.

I'm already feeling like a fat ass. I had a little time to kill before acupuncture so I tried on some pants. Big mistake. My ovaries seem full already and I am up about 2 lbs. I don't remember having to adjust my workouts this early in any other cycle but all I'm doing is walking on the treadmill at this point.


Back to my local for a simple blood draw tomorrow. My 8:30 appt. will probably not happen until 9:30 even though I will be there on time. Thank God there's no u/s involved. My crotch needs to rest up for all the poking and prodding that is sure to come. Can't wait!

I'll check in tomorrow with my blood results.

CD3...sucks to be me

Bad headache. Ovaries already feel like they are bangain' around. Estrogen overload?
Can't write today. Can barely see straight. Hope you understand.

CD2 ...coming unglued

Sometimes I am my own worst ememy. I got to thinking about my patches this morning. There are 4 in a box and despite the fact that I was only supposed to use 3, my mishap the other day required that I break into my spare. So they're all gone. This morning before Cornell opened, I noticed that 4 patches were written on my sample calendar. I went into panic mode. I left a message for my nurse....I called The fertility pharmacy (Schrafft's...a Walgreens specialty company) and explained what happend and that I could not get in touch with my nurse just yet. It looked like I would need these patches tomorrow! There was no refill on the script (Do they not plan for accidents? Patches fall off all the time....it's an imperfect world.)The poor girl at the pharmacay went into overdrive and got in touch with a nurse (not my nurse) who confirmed I did need the patches. She decided to see if she could get me the patches in a local Walgreens. About 8 or so phone calls later....no such luck. She ended up calling CVS The competition!) and I picked up my script there. Whew! Crisis averted. All was right in the world again ......until I actually heard from my nurse and found out that I do not need any more patches.This is what I get for trying to be proactive.

All this happened in between 1.) me trying to make a dental appt. because I had a crown done 2 weeks ago that still hurts and 2.) getting my day 2 b/w & u/s taken care of. Not to mention the fact that half the calls I took were at work. They hated me there today! Too bad...my health comes first. Everybody has days like these. (Maybe not quite)

So the good news is: Cycle # 5 is on!
FSH: 1.1
E2: 319
LH: .8

I will wear this patch until it falls off,and take 300 units of Follistim and 150 units of Menopur unitl Wednesday. Then I'll have another blood draw on Thursday and await further instructions. Easy enough,right? Tell it to my headache.

Off to shoot up!

CD1...not much fun (a TTMI post)

Wicked cramps + black blood= one miserable Ginger. Seriously, it looks like the stuff coming out of the Zombie's mouths in Zombieland. (Which was a great movie...I hate gore but it was really funny and kind of sweet in parts. H's choice and I was NOT expecting to like it as much as I did.)The blood has returned to it natural rosy state but that 1st gush had me scared. It must be residual biopsy stuff.

One good thing...I am not as bitchy today. More lovey dovey. H likes it. It is the calm before the storm....he knows this. Did I ever tell you he calls me Sour Patch Kid sometimes? Remember the commercials where the SPK cut the girl's pony tail? Or the one where he squeezes the pigeon to poop on the kid? Then he hugs their leg or gives them a bump? That's me to a T! 1st she's sour , then she's sweet......At least I apologize if I am mean. Some people don't.

No more crying wolf, people. This is it! I need to have CD2 b/w & u/s at my local clinic tomorrow. (I am stressing about this already, BTW. ) I left a message on their monitoring line at 8:04 AM and I still haven't received a call back. I hope they can squeeze me in tomorrow. Otherwise, I am screwed. I did speak to the girl at the desk on Friday, who I know quite well as I have been a "patient" there for 2 years (this April) and she told me she checks the line at 7 AM. I am hoping she will call me Monday AM before I leave for work. If I do not get a call, I will simply have to show up there and be pushy. I don't think they will turn me away since I do have a relationship with them and they want my money. H told me not to worry so if anything happens I will blame him. Kidding! I will have him call and yell, though. It should, however, not reach that level.

Strike all that...they just called! The only thing I could get was a 9:40. Instead of dealing with horrendous am traffic, I will just have to deal with a bitchy boss and co-workers. Remember when you thought being a grownup would be so much easier than being a kid..... F that!

No shots tonight. Yes, I called the clinic to ask....Flo was supposed to be here yesterday so I thought I needed to take another shot tonight but I was wrong. Plus, she showed 15 min. after I stuck today's' patch on me and I didn't know if I should still be accessorizing my tummy with it. (Estrogen patches: are they the new belly ring?)

Oh! I didn't write yesterday so you missed out on all that drama. My patch fell off! It started peeling around the edges Friday night in the shower. I should have never put the patch on my ass since the 1st patch on my stomach worked so well. There is far too much junk in my trunk for that to work. I think the problem lies in the fact that my ass takes on a life of it's own whenever I do cardio. Or it might be from having my back to the shower head. That got me thinking, BTW....do you shower with your face towards the shower head or away? I don't like water in my face so I always shower with my back to the shower head. Anyway, I also called a nurse yesterday regarding my ass fat/patch issue (she laughed). They had me put on a new patch then and start another new patch today. Thank God there are 4 in a package instead of 3. A bakers trio for Schleprocks (scroll to the bottom) like me.

Life has just gotten a lot more complex! Stay tuned.......

1st shot of the season

I did my 1st ganirleix shot tonight. With the Antagonist protocol, I have always used ganilrelix after a few days of stims. But this is EPP. I started my estrogen patches and I have 3 days of ganirelix to prevent 1 rebel follicle from taking off and ruining the chance for any of the other follies to catch up. Hence, maybe I'll get more eggs at retrieval... When flo shows, I'll start stims and go back to ganirelix a few days later to slow my ovaries down once they have been ramped up. It feels so familiar and it's odd, but it is almost comforting. I know that I have gotten pregnant before by poking needles into my tummy. (I have a few tiny scars to prove it)I guess I find comfort in the ritual...like if I do what I am supposed to...there will finally be a baby. That's kind of ridiculous since I always do what I am supposed to....but I am always so hopeful in the beginning.

I am not faring well on the estrogen patches. My moods are a swingin' and I am only on day 2 of the patch. Bitchy is the dominant mood. Everything is irritating me. One of our clients was chewing in my ear over the phone so I asked her if she was eating. When she asked if it was bothering me, I told her....and I quote:" No, we just aren't allowed to eat on the phone because it's unprofessional". Who says stuff like that? A woman taking hormones. She was from NYC so she was unfazed and used to attitude, so I think I am safe. Then I gave the finger to someone while we were out taking a walk because the SOB was driving waaaaaay too fast on the neighborhood streets. Not only did he practically run over my brand new Reebok Easy Tone Sneakers, (in turquoise) but THERE ARE CHILDREN PLAYING AROUND HERE. H said people will start to think that I am the crazy lady in the neighborhood if I keep it up.

Poor H is getting the brunt of my attitude. He deserves it for the most part but maybe not as much as he is getting. No.... he is mostly just witness to my aggravation toward others. He keeps telling me to take it down a notch,though and that makes me madder. I am making him nervous, I think. I have yelled at the TV a few times and my neighbor once (from inside my house, because he was being a dip shit...not in person). H has also done some very childish things, though. Like leaving a clean clothes basket in the bathtub while the tub was wet and taking my 5 lb weight out of my gym and LEAVING IT IN THE FAMILY ROOM so he could do his shoulder exercises on his injured shoulder. The guy can bench press 3 of me but he needs my 5 lbs? And then, there is the little matter of his loud chewing......Here comes the attitude. I better sign off while YOU still like me........

I've been CC'd.

Today was the big day. Well, the 1st of many for the next month or so. CC=co cultured. (actually cc=co culture.... I turned it into a verb on my own.) I'll get to that pleasant (insert eye roll) experience but let me tell you about my day 1st.

It began at 3 am. That's when my alarm went off...all so we could be out the door by 5am. I'm a little high maintenance. I needed a shower and some coffee and a little time to wake up before getting in the car. H too. We're a good match there. I thought we would be safe if we left at 5 since we didn't really need to be at Cornell until 9:30. Turns out that 4 1/2 hours was more than sufficient. Traffic was not unbearable for once. We arrived with 52 minutes to spare (68 minutes if you take into account that the IVF teach class started 16 minutes late.)

I am glad we took the class. I did learn a few things (regarding the clinic...NOT IVF. I know enough about IVF.) I was given my calendar, and we met my nurse who is absolutely adorable! She looks so young but she really seems to know her job and I feel like I am in good hands. We did escape the injection portion of the class and by the time we finished meeting with J, we still had over an hour to kill. Luckily, it was a beautiful day in Manhattan so we took a little stroll. This is where I *believe* I experienced a sign. Surprise, surprise! I secretly long for twins. Maybe it's crazy but I won't be able to do IVF again if I do get pg. I am simply running out of time due to my age. (39) So, 2 would be nice. I was thinking about this and 2 nannies walking 2 sets of twins (1 set each)appeared out of nowhere. Maybe that means it will work this time and maybe I will have twins. Hmmm.....hopefully, they weren't quads. H would freak.


The biopsy was scheduled for noon. The RE doing the biopsy was pretty smooth. He also brought a friend. (What is this a threesome?) He started by checking my lining with the vag cam. Piece of cake. BTDT-a lot. Then he did my sounding (trial transfer). No biggie. REs love doing my transfers. My vag is very easy. I said my vag is easy....not me. So, I had a false sense of security by the time the scraper entered my ute. Like I said...Dr. S was pretty smooth...he made some small talk...told my vag some jokes....but then......enter "the tool". Holy hell...it hurt! Not only did it feel like my uterus went 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, but my ummm... ***TMI alert*** rectal area also experienced some major discomfort. I usually have a pretty high tolerance for pain (thanks to years of Crohn's related rectal abscesses) I was not expecting that level of pain, though. I nearly jumped off the table onto the REs lap. I think it took 10 seconds but it felt like hours. My uterus, she weeps. She is fine now, actually. I've had 2 naps since then (1 hour in the car and 1 hour with my heating pad on the bed when I got home.)

So, we're back home and all is well. I have only 1 worry. There was a little incident on the way home.....We stopped at a rest area and I was the victim of a spontaneously flushing toilet. The attack occured at the Plattekill rest stop along the NYS Thruway. I told H that I was afraid that the germs that were probably flushed up me would infect my ute wound. Yup. I am the germaphobe that thinks like this. He just laughed and shook his head so I guess I am ok. Grossed out but ok.

I start my estrogen patches tomorrow and Flo should be here in a few days. My nurse said I may need to be in the city again on Sunday for Day 2 b/w & u/s. Time will tell.

This one was kind of long.....Thanks for reading!

"O" Yes!

I saw the smiley face this morning! Le surge! Cute right? Imagine how damn frustrating it has been for me to see a blank circle with no face every day for the past week! I actually think I was really close last night....the test line on the OPK I took at 5 pm was almost as dark as the control line. I made H look, too. He agreed that the lines were almost the same color but he freaked when I made him look so I had to explain that the cap is covering the urine soaked portion of the test. I did not piss all over the stick.... I now pee in a cup and dip it. (He would know if he read my blog!)So, I made him hold it. He better get used to touching pee because if this works there will be diaper fulls instead of stick fulls.

Anyway, the wheels are in motion and here is how it is going to go down:

3/16 I head back to the Big Apple for my co culture biopsy and to take the IVF teach class. I know I could teach it myself by now but this is a big place and I just want to be armed with all of the info about the clinic that I can. (Who to call when the nurse is out, who to call after hours,etc.) I will probably just sleep through the injection lesson and H will cover his eyes. My little needle phobe. He is already complaining because the coordinator told us we wouldn't have to take the class but he is not the one who is going to be talking to these people like it's his job or stressing out when he can't get in touch with them. He promised he would not get bitchy this time around but he already seems to be breaking that promise.

3/17 I start my estrogen patches-once every other day until Flo shows.

3/18 I start the antagonist (Ganirelix) shots. 1 per day for 3 days.

Flo should arrive shortly after that. I will have my Day 2 monitoring done locally and start stims if all is quiet.

Let the games begin!

TTMI (Totally too much information)

Along with amazing, TMI is probably the most over used phrase in the English language. (Widely used in infertility and gastric message board communities, both of which I am a long standing member.) I thought I would mix things up by adding an extra "T". This post is going there so if you are not up for it...click off now.

I know my body pretty well (especially my reproductive organs and my colon...thanks to IF and Crohn's) and yesterday I knew I was not on track to "O". Cornell still insisted on sending me for blood work. Probably just an excuse to squeeze a little bit more from my wallet. I had my blood drawn at 8:35 this morning. My appt. was at 8:05....I got up at 5:00, worked out (won't be doing that much longer thanks to stims) and did a little speeding to get to my local clinic, early only to have nothing better to do than sit around and read EW while I waited for them to get their shit together and poke me 3 times until they found a vein they liked. My veins roll away when anyone tries to poke at them so I am used to that part.( I would make a terrible heroine addict.) I get so pissed waiting around, though. I could have used a little extra sleep as I have not yet recovered from my weekend jaunt to NYC.

Enough venting....here's where it gets good. I know when I "O". Lots of CF and that "wet, slippery" feeling. Ewwww. Thankfully, when I went to the bathroom this morning, I felt that old familiar slickness. When I came out of the bathroom, H was in the bedroom and I practically cried with relief. He was laughing at me as usual. He said, "Look at you....you are so relieved." It is not menopause, people! This is what I have been missing these last few days (and all last month!) My "O" signs! I feel vibrant and youthful again. I am woman, hear me roar!

If you are wondering about my official results....the message the nurse left said "You haven't had your surge yet but you are close" Ya think?! I told her yesterday that I was starting to feel early CF and I was probably close. (Again, I know my body.) I guess it doesn't count unless a copay is involved.....

So, while I was at the clinic, I decided to try a little experiment (prompted by a post on my friend C's blog). C made a comment about how we never talk to anyone in the waiting room (so true and weird!) I say weird because when we are on message boards we are all about support and baby dust and hugs and positive vibes and all that but we don't speak IRL. Anyway, I complimented a girl on her handbag. It was from Harrods department store and it had little dogs all over it. So unusual! We talked for a few minutes about handbags and we both went our separate ways with smiles on our faces. We didn't get into the heavy stuff but sometimes just a friendly face in an uncomfortable place can help you get through the day.

Thanks for reading!

"O" no

Something is seriously wrong here and I can't figure out what happened.

I am on CD 17 and there is no sign of ovulation. That is not like my body. I "o" like clockwork. CF starts around CD 10-12 and I "o" around CD 14. No sign of CF and no blip on either OPK. Everything was fine until I had that HSG done in January. That messed me up and it seems all the acupuncture in the world is not going to help.

If you have been following along, you might guess that I am thinking this is a sign. Perhaps this means I should not go through another IVF if I am already having problems before we even get started. Maybe this is finally "THE CHANGE". Can I really have menopause at 39 if my FSH is (relatively) low? Since I have never had problems o-ing I don't even know what that means for IVF. If the eggs don't want to come out on their own, can they still coax them with the drugs? I am in full fledged panic mode.

I called Cornell and they are sending me for blood work (locally) in the am to see if there was an LH surge. I don't think there was and I don't know what happens if that is the case. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, I guess. For now, that just means another sleepless night. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.

Jet lagged Ginger

Well, that's what it feels like. Day is night. Breakfast was (practically) a midnight snack and lunch was breakfast. H and I woke up at 3 am this morning (we left at 4:32) so I could part with a pint of blood for the co culture biopsy. I am still probably a good week or so away from that pleasant event but I'll take TheCity on a Sat. over a weekday anytime. (Thanks for the tip, C!)

Having blood drawn doesn't bother me. What does bother me is the massive ordeal that is morning monitoring. (7-9 am at most clinics) It's organized...don't get me wrong. I even got my very own swipe card so I can check myself in without having to talk to anyone. I'll screw it up somehow and end up sitting there at 11 am someday thinking "they are about to come get me anytime". It's so huge and you can barely hear it when they call your name. We sat about 1/2 a football field away from the door where the nurse calls you. I had to strain my ears to listen for my name. Loud people (IN THE MORNING!) did nothing to help my ear strain. Neither did the couple who brought the 4 year old with the "loudest talking toy I have ever heard". The damn thing went off whenever a name was called...I kid you not. It was one of those smart toys. I can totally appreciate the need for people with kids to bring them to monitoring. I am cool with that but maybe they could have brought a quieter toy? H finally heard my name (not me...thank you talking piece of crap toy) and the ordeal was over in a matter of minutes.

My 1st trip to Manhattan since my 1st consult with Dr. D was not without it's little annoyances.....The garage we wanted to use was closed. Next stop was a garage that takes only cash. Seriously...do people still carry cash? If you try to mug me, the only thing you are going to get is a whole lottta plastic and a boatload of Purell and maybe an eyeglass cleaning cloth (because I deplore fingerprints on my phone or any piece of electronic equipment so I stash them everywhere).Being there always reminds me of why I quit city living(another East Coast city, not NY). Everything takes soooooo much longer. At least Bernie Wagenblast (giggle, snort... H and I crack up every time we hear his name for some reason) had good news today...no traffic delays !(He does a traffic report for 1010 Wins for those not in NY)

We ended up leaving the car with the valet at the hospital. No big deal. $17 and 33 minutes later...(or $.52 per minute if you are calculating)we hopped back in the car and headed home. 7 hours round trip including a stop at the local Italian bakery for bread and breakfast/lunch (sandwiches: roasted red pepper with a slice of fontinella for me, muffaletta for H) and the cash only meat market for some lunch meat for H. We were home at 11:34.

The rest of the day was a blur. We went right to bed after lunch and woke up around 3. H headed to the gym...I headed to my basement gym to workout and catch up with the Real Housewives of NYC. It is going to be an explosive season. Can't wait! I seem to remember cycling during their stint on Bravo last year. By the time the Jersey Housewives wrapped up, I had miscarried. Hopefully, I can get pg and deliver sometime around the OC season 6 premiere! Ugh, between the drive to Manhattan and the Real Housewives I have had enough NYC for 1 day.

We are staying in tonight. I picked up a copy of 2012 and I am going to watch the world get destroyed.

Thanks for reading!

How long am I supposed to hold my pee?!?!?!?

Seriously OPK manufacturers?!? Hold my pee for 4 hours? I have almost pissed myself 3 times this week and it's only Day 4 of "O WATCH".

The directions say to stop drinking 2 hours before the test and stop peeing 4 hours before the test. I DO NOT like being dehydrated. I drink water all the live long day. At least a 1/2 gallon. It's good for the skin and all of the body systems. But to not pee for 4 hours? I am doing the "pee pee dance" as we speak. By the time I am ready to piss on the stick, the force is too much for the poor stick to handle. It does not have a chance. After my 1st altercation on day 1, I decided to start peeing in a cup. (Thank God for Clorox wipes. Amen) At least the cup can withstand the force a little better. Watch: I'll have my 1st ever bladder infection in time for my cc biopsy. OK, I think I have to admit something to you.....a confession......Um, I am doing 2 OPKs a day. 1.) When I 1st wake up and 2.) at 5 pm. In my defense, the directions say the best time is between 2pm and 8 pm but my longest urination free stretch is overnight. I'm just covering all bases. I don't want to miss my surge. (Is that too OC? It is, isn't it?) The good news is, I think I am getting close.

On another more personal note...Look at who I found in the backseat of my car today. H put him there on Monday (Another bday surprise but we do this to each other a lot. I hide things in his briefcase, he hides things on my side of the bed,etc.) but I didn't see this little guy until this morning. H watched me pull out of the driveway and told me to turn around. (I have a backup camera in my car and I am sorry to report that I look at that instead of turning around. No judgement, please!) Now I have someone to keep me company on all of those road trips to NYC that are in my immediate future. H got the idea because this is my favorite commercial. Have you seen this? In the interest of full disclosure, I do not drive a KIA so this is not an endorsement of the product...only an endorsement of the commercial itself. How can you not laugh while watching this? So f-ing clever!

If H & I can't have kids...at least we can act like them!

Anyway, I'll let you know when I "O"!

Got drugs?

Plenty, thanks.

I got my Box O Meds yesterday. It's all starting to feel real now. The peeing all over myself, (on a stick, really) the drugs, giving up coffee, weekly acupuncture instead of every other week...it's all so familiar. I'll start my little rituals...the novenas, the prayers, the meditation downloads on my ipod. It all keeps me very busy on a daily basis. Maybe it's to distract myself or maybe it's the OCD presenting itself because all of this is truly out of my control.

I also have an exciting new ritual to add... My sister bought me quite the thoughtful gift for my birthday. A fertility statue! (It is something you are not supposed to buy for yourself. Thanks, K!) It is um...a naked, voluptuous lady. I think I am supposed to rub it or something but I feel dirty and kind of sacrilegious. I'll have to google it and see what's up. Link:Meet Venus of Wilendorf I've actually always wanted one. Well, not always...not when I was like 16....only since we began TTC. I've heard of women who have gotten pregnant after receiving a fertility statue. Maybe it will be my lucky charm. I wonder if I can take her to the OR with me when I have my retrieval?

BTW, C...if you are reading...I copped an extra feel on the fertility goddess for you!

Unhappy birthday.

When I was growing up, I always thought I would be a mom. I expected to be married with children by the time I was 25. It was something I guess I took for granted since I grew up with a stay at home mom (as did most of my friends.) When I reached adulthood, it was a much different world. Most of the girls I went to school with planned on going to college and having it all. I was no exception. I hadn't met anyone in college and I began to focus on building a career in finance. I did very well and had a really fun single life. I had boyfriends here and there but no one to settle down with.

In my late 20s, I stretched my timeline a bit. I would be married with children by the time I was 35. That was perfectly acceptable. Most of my friends were just starting to get married and none of them had kids yet.

To make a long story a little less long, I never met the love of my life until 2002 at the age of 31. We got married when I was 34 and I stretched my timeline once again. We would have kids by the time I was 40. If we didn't have any by then, we would probably live a child free life. (Of course, I never expected this would be the case. )Fast forward to 2010 and I just turned 39. (And in case you are wondering....my boy toy is 36)

So, in addition to dealing with my last birthday in my 30s, I am struggling with what happens next in our lives regarding children. If this next cycle doesn't work, do we quit and live child free like we originally assumed? Or do we adopt? Should we try a DE cycle? I always said I didn't want to be pregnant at 40 but if IVF# 5 is a BFN, I will have to be if we are going to continue.

Needless to say, I had a wicked case of what my mom calls "Birthday Girl Syndrome". Classic bad behavior. H kind of made plans and then took them back. (Work to do on a rental we own and need to rent out by 4/1 so, I get it.) My birthday plans consisted of shopping and me making my own bday dinner reservations for Saturday night. (My bday was Monday)
On Monday, everyone at work forgot my birthday (FWIW, I never forget a bday. A week after my m/c a girl at work had a bday and I had a card for her.)
We ate leftovers but H expected me to make the vegetable.(Huh?)He gave me a gift card to my favorite store (LOFT) and that was nice but he also gave me this really strange piece of ceramic thing. It was supposed to be a sheep but it's body is a head of cauliflower. Link:See it here. (Huh?) He said he bought it because I liked some cow in the Ballard Design catalogue. Hmmm. Cow vs. sheep (or actually, cow vs. cauliflower.) I know, it's the thought that counts but I was in a terrible mood.
The final straw was when he went to sing "Happy Birthday" to me and he forgot the words. Who has ever forgotten the words to "Happy birthday"? My 2 year old niece sang them to herself a few days ago. Ginger goes Pulp Fiction on her H.... "Are you fucking with me?" "How old are you?" "How many birthdays have you been to in the past year?"

On top of all that, I began "O watch". I had my very 1st experience with an OPK and while I have taken many pregnancy tests in my lifetime, I still proceeded to dump a full cup of urine on myself and my freshly cleaned bathroom floor on the morning of my birthday. Good times.

Let's just say, I am glad the day is over. Too much drama and too much pressure. I bet it's no secret what I wished for when I blew out my candles, is it?

Thanks for letting me whine.