When it rains, it pours

Why is it that every time something bad happens it has a snowball effect? I feel like I am constantly being kicked when I am down. Not only am on on my 6th and final failed IVF cycle and trying to figure out how to live child free but everything seems to be crashing down around me. Work is awful...I have some serious issues with my boss right now. You already know that H's SIL is pregnant and I uninvited them to my house for Thanksgiving...H's parents are not very happy about that. I also just found out my sister who is dating a man who is still married just bought a house. (She kept telling me as soon as she buys a house she is going to TTC). Just what I need...another pregnancy in my face. I cannot even bring myself to be around her or anyone else in my family or H's family. It's far too painful for me to see everyone around me blessed with what I want most in the world but will never have.

I'm seriously trying hard to figure out what I have done that is so bad in my life to deserve the shit that is thrown at me. I have not really had much happiness. I try to smile and pretend like I have a great life but it's been pretty tough and I just don't have the strength left. I spent so many years having surgery after surgery. My Crohn's put stress on every job I ever had...bosses started to get irritated about me taking time off for medical leave. It ruined every wedding I was ever in...including my own. I couldn't even have sex with my husband on our honeymoon because I was healing from surgery. I was even so sick when we moved into our new home that I had to have emergency surgery. As soon as things got better with the Crohn's, I was 37 and we found out about H's MFI. We stared IVF and it's been one loss after another. The loss of having a child the conventional way...not to mention this miscarriages.

I just don't know how to turn things around. Every time I think things are ok and I am the tiniest bit happy, the rug is pulled out from under me. H will not let me do DE and he will not pay for adoption, either. I have to figure out how to live child free. Right now, we are trying to finish up some work in the house. We are going to sell....we don't need a big house for the 2 of us if we even stay together. We are in such different places. I can't be happy just with him and he is not willing to pursue having a family. At this point, we don't know if we are going to make it as a couple. I am losing everything I love and it sucks so much.

1dp the loss of all hope/faith/belief....The first of possibly many hormone induced "Drama Queen" posts.

Seriously, my body doesn't know what the hell is going on. I obviously got my period last Monday at 6dp3dt and H has been shooting my ass with progesterone the whole time. It's like I am getting periods back to back and I have a wicked case of PMS. I am weepy and angry and I just feel lost. The Prozac can't even touch this. Not to mention the cramps and backache and breakout. The only good thing is that I have lost 5 lbs. since my transfer....my jeggings are baggy.

This was honestly the worst Thanksgiving I have ever had. I have spent Thanksgiving alone and I have been to places where the food was so awful it made me long for my mother's stuffing.

I spent this Thanksgiving in limbo with no family around. I had to stay off my feet so I couldn't really go anywhere but no one in my family even came to see me. They all went to my sister's house (the one with kids). I kept hoping all day that someone would surprise me...but no one ever showed up. I could have used some cheering up. Not the day after, either. I guess they were too tired. By the time Saturday rolled around, I was so hurt that it just added to my anger and pain over what I was already going through. Even my Grandma didn't visit and she drives by my house on her way home. Thank goodness for my husband. And my friends. I had numerous friends (the ones that know what we are dealing with) offer to meet me for coffee or dinner or just to get together to talk. My family told me that they missed me but they couldn't have missed me that much since they all live in the area. I bet if I had kids, they would have made more of an effort to see me.

Just another depressing part of being infertile. You really don't seem to count. Or that's what it feels like....especially when you are hopped up on hormones. H's parents treated us the same way over the summer when BIL and his pg wife came to visit. I jumped through hoops and did cartwheels trying to make the visit nice for them but all they could do was focus on the pg one.

I guess this is just an unattractive part of what I am going through. No one likes a person who feels sorry for themselvs so I think the best thing for me to do right now is to distance myself from everyone. It's probably the best thing for myself and for them. No one knows how to act in such an uncomfortable situation anyway. It's not their fault I am going through this. I am going to do my best to focus on my husband and making him happy. All we have is each other...it's clear that we are simply going to be a family of 2 and that we are not going to be blessed with a child of our own. I am not quite sure how to move forward knowing that I have had a baby inside of me but that I never got the chance to meet him. And that I'll never get that chance again.

Negative confirmed

Just got confirmation of what my heart already knew. I am devestated, hurt and so very angry at the world right now.
I honestly don't know what to do with my life. I gave up a career. I have made my whole life about becoming a mother and I am not sure how to find meaning in anything.
I resent other people's happiness and joy and I can't see how I am ever going to be happy again. I am even willing to cut all ties with my family and DH's family so I don't have to subject anyone else to my heartache. Their lives are continuing...there are babies being born and people trying to have babies and I just can't be around it without feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could move away and start all over. Running from things is my best defense.

Infertility vulnerability

This post was hard to write. Every time I started to write something, I changed my mind. It's hard to share my true feelings without sounding like a whiny infertile. In my day to day life, I bottle most of my emotions. Otherwise, people would probably run in the other direction when they see me. Those who have never had a pregnancy loss or those who have never been told they will never have a baby the "old fashioned way" may never understand the message I am hoping to convey but I am going to try. Deep breath...

For the most part, I think I do a decent job handling myself around the fertile population. I run into pregnant women in stores and at parties...my dear friend is even pregnant and H & I have been hanging with her and her husband quite a bit. We have even committed to watching their 2 year old when she delivers and I'm more than happy to help. I'm even fine around people with little ones...my sister has 2 kids and that in itself doesn't bother me. But there is a part of me that can't let go of the hurt and anger I feel about the losses I have suffered and the pain I feel that we might never have a child. On the outside I am ok but our situation has made me even more sensitive than I already am. Life becomes a minefield of situations and events that I need to tiptoe around. Hoping each and every step doesn't result in something blowing up in my face.

There is a certain vulnerability that goes along with being infertile. I guess I am finally admitting that I am infertile,BTW. All a long, I have convinced myself that my H is infertile and I am just old. Old = infertile, unfortunately. Anyway,there are things that happen in daily life that can feel like an attack on your IF status.

It would be great if all of the people you came into contact with on a daily basis would be sensitive to your vulnerability but that's not necessarily the case. Even your "loved ones" forget what it is like for you to live with the constant ache and sadness while you are putting on a happy face. The emotional impact of infertility is far reaching; it permeates every aspect of your life. Sadness and mourning come as you realize that what you wanted is not happening. Losses include not having a baby, the loss of the pregnancy experience, loss of self esteem, changes in friendships, and changes in the relationship with your husband.

Infertility is like throwing a rock into a still pond; it has a ripple effect into all aspects of your life. Infertility is a crisis. Life goes into a holding pattern and you just feel stuck. Parents choosing to spend time with the child that has children instead of the sad infertiles and sisters who tell you they are ready to start TTCing can feel like a sucker punch in the gut.

I also think that when you show your vulnerability, people can take advantage of that. They might not mean to do so, but a snarky comment thrown your way when someone gets their feelings hurt by you can take on a deeper level of hurt. I am afraid my fellow bloggers and message board friends are the only ones who can truly understand. Most of the people in your life want you to be ok and cannot handle your raw emotions. When you are hurting and lashing out they say that they want to be there for you but when push comes to shove....they make it about themselves.

It's hard not to take everything personally when not having children and working towards building a family is what your life is all about. For you...it always will be deeply personal.

About giving thanks.....

So, I haven't posted for a while. I am still in my crazy 2WW limbo. Still bleeding and cramping off and on. I am having some pregnancy symptoms but that can be quite normal for me from the progesterone. The clinic doesn't do betas on the weekend so they tried to force me to wait until Monday....just like the last time. I managed to bully them into bringing me in for an early beta today (it's only 1 day early,really). The joke's on me though because they haven't called. I don't even know if they will give me the results if I call tomorrow since they don't do betas on the weeeknd. So, I'm obviuosly pissed. I didn't NEED to get up at 7 to get to the lab early and spend an extra $20 if I'm just going to get the results on Monday anyway. I also have to open a new bottle of PIO tonight. Another waste of money.

I was going to make a Thanksgiving post but honestly I'm not feeling very greatful for anything. I have a wonderful husband and a nice house and car and that's a lot more than most people. But between what I have been through with the Crohn's and the losses and the fact that IVF has basically been my job for about 3 years now, I just can't seem to bring myself to say thanks for it. I read loads of FB posts yesterday about how thankful people are for their children and how blessed they are. All I feel is cursed. So...thanks for the pain and suffering and broken heart and for the loads of pregnant women I am surrounded by and for the constant reminder of what I don't have since I see happy families everywhere I turn. Maybe a better person could find blessings in that but that's not me....this is what bitter looks like. I am the person no one wants to be....the one that every IFer give thanks that they are not. On the wrong side of the odds...

***Update***

The Dr. on call just called me back and said that they never received the bloodwork. Ummmm.....I left the nurses a message at 8am that I had my blood drawn. If they didn't receive it shouldn't they have called to let me know? I did my part. Why can't people just do their jobs? The RE told me to call tomorrow if I don't hear from anyone by noon. My situation is shitty enough without having to wait an extra day for my negative. Crack open the new bottle of PIO, Honey.....

6 dp3dt and not looking promising.....or maybe it is!!!!! *update*

***TMI so don't keep reading if you are squeamish***

I have some bleeding. It's pink and it's not enough to spot on my underwear or to wear a pad...it's just when I wipe. There were also a few drops in the toilet with some "tissue" that looked like flaky skin. I almost got sick to my stomach.

I'm really crampy, too like my period is coming any day. These are some deep cramps...really low and in my back,too.

It's not even a week past my transfer. How can I possibly be getting my period already? I have to try and get through Thanksgiving surrounded by pregnant bellies. The one thing that was going to help me get through it was the knowledge that I could be pregnant (beta is not until 11/29...the Tuesday after Thanksgiving). Now, I don't know what I am going to do.

I placed a call to my IVF nurse to tell her about my symptoms but what can she really say?

My headache just got so much worse.

Edited to add: I just got off the phone with my IVF nurse. She told me that what is happening is quite normal and actually a very good sign. She doesn't think I have anything to worry about and that it could be an early sign of pregnancy.

Please God let this work.

1 dp 3dt

Progesterone getting to me. Tired,bitchy and uncontrollable hunger.

I'm also starting to worry because we only had 1 8 cell embie to put back. That's the goal on a day 3 transfer. Can my 7 and two 5s grow and thrive? Dr. Google is my enemy tonight. I've spent the last hour checking stats and embryo pics. I am probably going to dream about little embryos all night long.

Here are mine, BTW...

Please snuggle in little embies.

It's going to be a loooooong 2 weeks.

Five Guys....and 4 embies

Yes...you read that right. I have 4 embies on board!

There is a method to the madness. I'll explain.....

Dr. D & I had discussed being a bit more aggressive this time around. I am 39 and I have had 5 unsuccessful attempts at this. We know my body can get pregnant...it's happened 3 times. It just doesn't last. We are trying to increase the odds. At 39, it is highly unlikely that all 4 will implant, especially given my history. It is not even very likely that we will have twins.

The RE and Embryologist chose the 4 best embies. We put back an 8 cell, a 7 cell and two 5 cells. The RE told me that both 5 cells looked really nice and they couldn't decide between the two.

I am happy to report that all 8 were still alive at transfer time. That has never happened to me before. The remaining 4 are being watched to see if we can freeze them. I have never had any frosties so that would be a 1st too! The RE said that everything went perfectly and I had a beautiful transfer. H and I are so hopeful.

I'm so thankful for the way this cycle has played out so far. No major drama, my body is performing like a trooper and my embies look really good.

But... I'm not naive enough to think that we are in the clear. I've certainly seen strange things happen in my IF career: women with perfect looking embies and utes who don't get a BFP, women who have 1 embie left on transfer day who do get pregnant, even women with really poor quality embies who get pregnant. As much as we would like to think science is in charge here, it's in God's hands now. (Or the universe or whatever you believe in.)

Right now all we can do it wait and pray and cross our fingers and stay positive. And eat Five Guys burgers when we crave them or don't feel like cooking...(What? I didn't have fries and I made brussels sprouts on the side!)

Thanks for reading!

IVF limbo

Blogging from IVF limbo today. That's the time frame between your retrieval and transfer. Your eggs are gone so you don't have to worry about doing something to affect the quality and you don't have your embies with you yet so you can't hurt them.

I have to say that I am enjoying the use of my heating pad and the heated seats in my car...things that are allowed in this time period.

I'm anxiously awaiting my transfer tomorrow. I am wondering how many of my 8 little embabies are going to make it. I hope they can hang on long enough for me to come pick them up. It's so sad that they are so far away at a lab in NYC.

We have to be at the clinic at 2pm. I'll update as soon as I can.

From pre-op to the fert. report: My adventurous weekend

By now you have surely figured out that anything I do is never easy...and I married a man who has the same issue. IVF is a tough game anyway but add travel and sleep deprivation to the mix and you can just imagine how much more difficult it can be. The extra mood swings alone (mine and H's) can make for some interesting moments. There was a little of that but not as much as usual. (still thanking the Prozac for that) All in all, we had a really good weekend together. We enjoyed each other and the alone time we got to spend with each other. While we did not end up doing the ahem.....activities.... that would have made H happiest, we did have fun despite all the medical stuff.

We each took naps before my 11:30 pm trigger shot on Thursday night and went back to sleep for a few more hours. We had to leave the house at 3 am to make sure we were at Cornell by 6:30 am for my pre-op class. We had breakfast at a diner we like a few blocks from the clinic and made our way to the hotel. Luckily, they let us in hours earlier and H and I napped until 2. I love napping with him...I feel so safe and comforted. As calm as I have been, a part of me still had a few jitters about how many eggs I was cooking. There's a lot riding on this cycle.

We went for a walk by the river and got some dinner. We were very relaxed and happy and we enjoyed ourselves so much.

Retrieval day was not as easy.....it's a damn good thing we left the hotel early. It only takes about 20 minutes to get to Cornell from where we stayed but you never know what kind of trouble can pop up in the city. This time is was road work. On a Saturday. We made it with 2 minutes to spare. I wasn't really worried because it's all "hurry up and wait" at Cornell. They wanted me there at 8:30 am and my ER didn't even happen until almost 11:30.

I actually made some friends this time! I was in the closet sized waiting room with 2 other women and we had a good talk. We were all return IVFers....maybe that was why. We talked Drs. and emotions and protocols. It helped me relax and it never hurts to have extra people there to wish you good luck.

When I woke up from anesthesia, H delivered the good news: 12 eggs! Then, the nurse came over to tell me and she was so excited...her smile was huge. We left feeling more positive than we had in a long time.

I started drinking Gatorade right away but I still had some hyper stim symptoms. I had a flushed face and my weight was up about 6 lbs. Imagine if they had given me the full 10,000 units of HCG instead of 5,000. I'd probably be getting my ovaries tapped right now. I actually ended up sleeping most of the day and I went to bed at 8pm so the symptoms subsided. Until this morning.....

I'm not very good at sitting still and I have a huge "To Do" list running through my head. I missed cleaning day so I wanted to catch up. I needed to do laundry and change the sheets in addition to all the regular dusting, vacuuming,etc. I also wanted to get the guest bathroom and bedroom cleaned for our Thanksgiving weekend company. I wanted to get all of the heavy duty cleaning with dangerous chemicals out of the way before my transfer. I felt good this morning so I got to work (secretly after H went to the gym). Well, I can't hide my red face and bloat so I got in trouble. He said I am worse than a child and that my 2 year old niece listens better than I do.

He's pacing as I type. I got special permission to update my blog. He has had me in bed flat on my back with my legs up all day. Um, not practicing new moves- just resting!!!!! Heads out of the gutter, please.

I better go rest. Oh, yeah...my fert. report:

12 eggs
9 mature
8 fertilized

We are thrilled! Still scared but the results are more than we had hoped for. We are still having a 3 day transfer and I'm not sure why but the Embryologist that called told me that it was excellent. That's good enough for me....for now!

Time for the big shots...

Trigger time!!!!

So, I just got the call. I am triggering at 11:30. Retrieval will be sometime Saturday. I don't have a lot of time for a clever post because I need to pack and get some sleep! We have to leave the house at 3am because I need to be at Cornell bright and early (6:30 am) for my pre-op appt.

My E2 was at 1580 yesterday and after dramatically lowering my Follistim to 225 last night, it still shot up to 1750 this morning. Yikes. I've gained 4 lbs. No wonder I need to walk around holding my lower stomach. It's hard to pee and my thighs and hips ache. I'm moving like I belong at the nursing home.

They are giving me 1/2 dose of the HCG...only 5000 units. I have never heard of that before. And I have been around the block a few times as you well know! I hope my eggs are ok. Last I knew from my monitoring this morning, I have about 7 follies ranging from 13.5 to 17. There are several + or - 10. I hope we didn't sacrifice quality for quantity. I suppose I could use your T + P if you have any to spare.

I am exhausted and once again, looking forward to those few sweet seconds of anesthesia before the retrieval.

I'll update you all as soon as I can.

Thanks for reading!

Another day...another follicle...

or two...or 3!

My ovaries are cranking into high gear. I'm so proud of them! I peeked at the screen again before the RE tortured me with the vag cam and found out that my E2 was at 1166 yesterday! I'm cooking about 3-4 follies on each side with about 6 smaller ones that still have a chance to catch up. According to Dr. K I probably won't even trigger until tomorrow. (Which happened to be my best case scenario....a Saturday retrieval!)When I took my trigger shot last cycle, my E2 was only 953... No wonder I have been feeling like I have been doing lower ab crunches all day. So sore!

I'm thankful that Mom and Dad were able to keep me company today. Actually, Dad drove both ways and it gave me the chance to catch up on some sleep. I got called for b/w and when I came back,my 2 little baby boomers had their heads back, mouths open and eyes closed. In their defense, I did have them up at 2:30 so we could be out the door by 4:00. And I can't really say much because I dozed off talking to my Dad.....when I woke up I had no recollection of falling asleep.

My parents really are very cute. We had a sleep over Tuesday night because we needed to leave my house so early. We watched Glee (we had fun singing along)and they filled me in on "Dancing With The Stars" since I don't watch that. Every time I asked a question in the car my Dad offered me his Droid to find the answer. Me: "Wonder what the temperature is?" Him: "Check it with my phone" or Me: "Who is in the remake of Arthur" Him: Google it on my phone!" And my Mom caught me up on all the celebrity gossip. I also found out they like "California Girls" by Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg. How hip is that for people in their 60s? It's nice to be able to spend time alone with your parents as an adult. I know I'll always remember the fun we had today and how they saved me from possibly falling asleep at the wheel since I am so exhausted. Thanks Mom and Dad.

I'll be fine driving myself tomorrow thanks to the extra rest and some yummy tea and a Starbucks gift card from a dear friend. Thanks, N. I'm working on the TY note!

Finally, I had an awesome ending to my day by seeing my Acupuncturist. She did her best to alleviate the symptoms: bloat, fatigue, anxiety and to help keep my ovaries cooking without going into hyperstim mode. She also told me that me getting pregnant would be her best Xmas present. How sweet is that?

I'm so lucky to be surrounded by such supportive friends,family and professionals!

I did a bad thing...again.

I peeked...at the computer screen with all my info. about this cycle. Why do these people leave the room with this temptation in plain sight? Do you think they know we peek? I am notorious for touching things I am not supposed to...they have to know there are people like me out there.

So, here is what I found out about my E2 levels:

CD2: 174 (high, yes but I was on estrogen patches...that was the goal)

CD6: 189 (patch wore off so that makes sense)

CD8: 514 (follies starting to grow...they lowered my meds)

CD9: 723 (follies still going strong...they lowered meds again)

I don't know what it was today...I didn't ask but I will peek again tomorrow.

I feel like things are going well. I have about 5 follies around the same size and 4-5 btwn. 8-10. The RE thought I might trigger Wed. or Thurs. TMI but the abundance of CF is aggravating. I feel so gross. I'm definitely close if that is any indication. That was fast,huh?

Off to Manhattan tomorrow with Mom & Dad. I can't drive another day and H has a meeting he can't miss.

Thanks for reading...I'll keep you posted.

Just another manic Monday

Before the sun came up, I was having an amazing day....a great outfit, all of the radio stations were playing some of my favorite songs, and I had lots of energy despite my crazy weekend. I was even making really good time heading to Mt. Kisco.... until I started hearing a noise like a helicopter.

Let me just say that I am not an idiot when it comes to cars...or other fix it type things for that matter( you would never guess because I am so girly.) I can check my oil and my tires and do other little maintenance type things but when I hear a noise on the highway...especially at 74 mph, I worry. I was about 20 miles from the clinic when it happened. I called H who decided to come get me. I made it to the clinic and sat in the waiting room for 2 1/2 hrs.reading really boring magazines. H picked me up and we headed to a local mechanic. It turns out the wheel was loose and making a noise. I am so lucky it didn't come off! At least I don't have to take the "commuter" car anymore. H is so afraid of a good car getting wrecked but he is more afraid of me getting wrecked.

The fun didn't stop there....if you are in the Northeast you probably know what I mean: SNOW. Effing snow. On November 8th. There were accidents all over the place and traffic jams every few miles.

Surprisingly, I was calm the whole day. I couldn't be rattled... until I got home and walked to the mailbox to get my mail. One of my neighbors drove by and splashed slush all over me...my coat was soaked. He/she didn't even have the decency to apologize. I can't wait to find out who drives that red Dodge. They are getting a lesson in manners from me.

Back tomorrow for b/w & u/s. The clinic never called me until almost 6pm and I forgot to ask about my E2 level again. Oh well, I think it is better when I cannot obsess!

Please just let the week get better.....

So far so good...I think....

1st follie check today...on NYC marathon day! Luckily, we escaped from NY without incident. The road closures didn't really affect us. I guess that's the good thing about early morning monitoring hours.

I am CD 8 today. It looks like things are progressing just like last time which was my goal, actually. I am 7 months older (and 5 months away from 40...yikes!) so I told myself if my ovaries could produce a similar result as last time I would be happy. Let's just hope the chromosomes are good!

My E2 was 189 on CD6/Friday. Last time it was 212 on CD6 so we're not that far off. I did one less patch this time so that makes sense. The only reason I know is because I was able to sneak a peek at the computer screen before the RE of the day came in. How sad is it that I am not in the medical field yet I know exactly how to read the information? When I 1st started joining IVF message boards I used to marvel at how some of the women could predict when they might trigger or how many eggs they might get, etc. I now know that practice makes perfect, unfortunately.

Anyway, today I had 3 follies (just under 10 mm) ahead of about 6 smaller ones but they are not trailing by much. 9 follies is pretty good for an old lady. Now, if they can grow at the same rate I will be very happy! The RE said I was doing very well...I am on my way and we just have to wait for them to grow. I must be doing better than expected because they cut my Follistim by 125 units. Time will tell. Back tomorrow for more......

Slow and steady wins the race with this protocol. Pun totally intended.

Here we go again...I feel the chemicals kickin' iiiiiin......

...it's gettin' heavier, I wanna run and hide, I wanna run and hide!(Neon Trees: Animal)

More like I'm getting heavier.....ugh. I must have heard that song 5 times during my morning adventure and I am convinced an IVFer wrote those lyrics..... If you have never had the pleasure of taking injections to stimulate your ovaries, you might have a difficult time imagining how it feels. Let me see if I can paint the picture for you......a swollen bottom half (I've gained back 2.5 of the 11 lbs. I lost since my last cycle and I've only taken 3 doses)deep soreness in hips and thighs,like horseback riding or marathon "trying to make a baby" sore. Not to mention a bruised feeling in your pubic bone...it kind of feels like someone took a baseball bat to your crotch. I definitely wouldn't mind pulling the covers over my head and hiding out in bed for the next 10 days or so.

But....there is fun to be had! Tomorrow is the annual Yankee Candle flagship store trip with Mom and sisters. Looking forward to stocking up on Christmas scents and bonding with the girls. Thank goodness for leggings because my pants hurt.

I don't know the results of today's b/w...I forgot to ask. Well, to tell you the truth, I was napping when they called (Yes...napping... you try getting up at 2:30, driving to Mt. Kisco, then working a full 5 hour day)and it slipped my mind. All I know is that I have to be in NYC Sunday morning...that's "Marathon Sunday" for b/w & u/s. My body has impeccable timing. At least I have the time change on my side!

Stay tuned for what will surely be a freak out moment....1st follie check!

@#$%&#^&*(@!$!$%#^$^*%&!@!@

I forgot how much I haaaaate Lupron. Even in microdose form. After just 2 days the headache and ass dragging and bitchiness are driving me bonkers. I hope the Lupron doesn't affect the quality of my eggs. I have had pretty decent looking embies when I've done the antagonist protocols. For the 2 cycles I did use Lupron,I had really fragmented embryos. I am assuming Dr. D wouldn't give an AMAer like myself a protocol that would compromise egg quality. If anyone knows how to get good quality eggs from an old lady, it's him.

It's just me obsessing again. I wonder if the hormones are messing with my Prozac.......I am not feeling as calm and serene as I was a week ago.

Hoping for some sweet relief at my acupuncture appointment today. It should help with the headache and back ache and fatigue...for a few days anyway. I better get moving so I'm not late!

p.s Use your favorite string of curse words for the title of this post. I don't want to make any of you blush with my choice!

CD2...positivity fading

This is not going to be a very intersting post, people. I am fading as fast as my positive attitude.

The day started out pretty positive. As positive as it can when you are awake most of the night due to your husband's snoring and not wanting to sleep through the 3 am alarm. When I woke up, Father of the Bride II was on. I turned on the TV at 3am and this movie with 2 pregnant women....one of them in her 40s (!!!)was playing. I, of course, took it as a sign this might be my lucky cycle....

As the day wore on, my feelings changed. I already had a full day by 12 noon.

My nurse was on vaca last week(good for her, she works hard and totally deserves it)so another nurse gave me the instructions for this cycle. It seems like she started my E2 patches a day later than last time but I figured she knew what she was doing. I got my period after only taking 2 patches instead of 3 so my E2 was pretty low today...only 174 as opposed to 319 last cycle. My FSH was only 1.2 - it was 1.1 the last time...that's fine. My AFC seemed really low and that's what concerns me. Dr. D (yay...he did my u/s today!) said he saw a few under 10 on each side and he said that was good. When the nurse called, she said it was 2-4 on each side. Those aren't very strong #s. That's about 1/2 of what it was my 1st 2 cycles nearly 3 years ago. *sigh* My poor old eggs. Hopefully, I can grow a few more follies...it's still early, I suppose.

We went over the instructions for this EPP/Microdose flare protocol...she wrote them down for me and I was well on my way to memorizing the plan. Well, she called my cell phone around 4 to apologize for giving me the wrong protocol and then, she gave me the proper instructions. Not the same...at all. Thank God the mistake was caught but this could have been really bad.

I also missed my therapy appt. It was at 3 pm and I was trying to catch up on my sleep. I forgot all about it. I got a nasty message saying we could talk over the phone because I am going to be charged for the session regardless,unfortunately. I've never missed an appt. before. I'm annoyed and a bit embarrassed.

So, maybe it's the sleep deprivation or the hormones...maybe I am just overwhelmed and feeling my age. I don't know but I am not the optimist I promised myself I would be this time around.