Friday, February 19, 2010

I cried myself to sleep.

Last night. I don't know why I do this to myself. Especially when I know my period is approaching. Hell, it's late. 1 week late. And I'm NOT pregnant so pleaseeeease don't say that. I've already taken 2 pg tests. I have fantasized about cancelling my upcoming cycle and being pregnant naturally but as I've said before, I have a better chance of hitting power ball 3 times than getting pregnant naturally. And I am not negative...just tired of mind fucking myself.

So, let me explain the tears. I watched Private Practice before bed.

***SPOILER ALERT*** If you DVR'd Season 3, Episode #15 "Til Death Do Us Part", ***STOP READING NOW!***

Brief synopsis: Sam & Naomi's pregnant teenage daughter was getting married, Charlotte's new BF has a drug problem and there was a couple who did IVF and the woman gave birth to their baby at 25 weeks. I don't know what you know about preemie's, but 25 weeks is really much too early for a baby to be born and live a healthy life. This baby was so small and sick. Just the sight of him made me cry. (And if you tell me it's just a tv show, I will scream. When I saw Seven everyone told me it was just a movie and I still didn't sleep for a week afterwards.) That baby looked real to me.

Anyway, they had to decide whether or not to put the baby through countless surgeries that probably wouldn't work or let the baby die naturally. The couple had been through 3 IVFs (Sadly, I beat that) to finally get their baby boy and you could see that they were so afraid to let go. They were so hopeful and it was sad to watch. I feel like that's how people react to me when I tell them that I am on IVF #5. Like they want to tell me to stop torturing myself. This mom wanted to hold her baby but they couldn't let her because the baby was hooked up to tubes and needed to be in the incubator. Let's just say that they did the right thing in the end. I don't want to relive it anymore. Even though it's just a tv show, it hurt to watch. I never got to hold my baby. This mother did but her baby probably died in her arms. That is my biggest fear. I don't want to know what that's like. I just want it to work. I want a healthy baby, dammit.

Sorry for the sad post. I'm just in that place today. If you made it through all the gloom and doom-thanks for reading.

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