I am not a monster....

even though I feel like one at times.
Being around pregnant women is very difficult for me. More so than being around babies & children..... I think a lot of infertiles feel this way. I know at some point, I could be a mother...we could adopt. A child is certainly within the realm of possibility. Another pregnancy might not be. My heart aches for a baby, like so many women who cannot get pregnant. To feel that baby kick and to have that connection....It just hurts to be around someone else who gets to feel that indescribable joy of a new life growing inside of you. To be able to take a piece of you and the person you love most in the world and create a whole new person for the two of you to love like no other person on this earth could love. That's what bothers me. Sure, it sounds self centered but there are so many people who have that and take it for granted. They get pregnant easily but I bet they can't appreciate how truly miraculous it is like my infertile "sisters" can.
Speaking of the common bond that is infertility.... A very dear friend of mine just told me about her pregnancy. (She's 10 weeks. I was 10 weeks when I had my miscarriage) Hers is not my story to tell but let's just say she has had numerous losses including a devastating late term loss. We became close friends when she had just given birth and I was about to begin my IVF journey. She was very candid about her issues from day one and so supportive of me every step of the way.
As far as I knew, they weren't going to try again due to their history. I knew if she ever did get pregnant again, it would not bother me because I knew of her struggles. How could I possibly be upset by a fellow infertile "sister" getting what we all hope for in our heart of hearts? I am truly thrilled for my friend and her H and not at all jealous. A part of me feels like I am getting left behind again, though. There have been plenty of friendships I have lost because someone has gotten pg and their priorities have changed.
Well, she told me in the gentlest, most downplayed way possible. (She explained that they are not telling anyone else and that they are being very cautious and IFers you won't believe this, but they weren't trying!) but I still shed a few tears the moment I was alone. I'm so mad at myself for not being able to be happy for my friend without being sad for myself. Sometimes I do feel like a monster. She is scared and not at the point of being thrilled yet because of her previous problems and all I can think about is how I may never get pregnant again. And I began to wonder if I would be able to handle being around her while she is pregnant or if I would pull away as I have so many times in the past. I prayed about it and hoped for the best.
The next day she called me to apologize. I couldn't even imagine why....she had nothing to be sorry for! In my mind, she was being very sensitive to my feelings but she wanted to make sure we were ok. She thought that she might have been insensitive by not being excited enough and she was afraid that she had hurt me by acting that way. Can you imagine someone being so concerned with my feelings when she has so many unresolved feelings of her own to deal with regarding her pregnancy.? At that moment I knew. I can handle this and I can be there for my friend. There may be days when I will want to throw a pity party but our friendship means more to me than my sorrow.