So, before I continue with my history, won't you allow me to remind you briefly about a piece of cinematic history? All the ladies have seen Steel Magnolias, right? Well, do you remember the scene where Shelby is fighting with her mother? Oh, which time, you ask? M'Lynn is mad at Shelby for getting pregnant because she is afraid that a pregnancy will kill Shelby. (Spoiler alert: we should all probably listen to our mothers! Don't tell mine I said that...) Shelby tells her mother: "I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." Oh, when I was a senior in high school that part got to me! I thought the very same thing. Just give me a little bit of happiness! I had never had a boyfriend while the girls around me had already had several. So I thought of that quote in terms of my love life. What a romantic way to view life, no? What the hell did I know? Why would anyone ask to live a tortured existence where you long for happier times,brighter days? Ugh. I forgot about that scene for years but it came back to haunt me last May when I lost my baby.
I can honestly say that having 30 minutes of wonderful (or 10 weeks in my case) is most certainly not better than a lifetime of nothing special. My 3rd IVF ended with me in the hospital recovery room not far from where my baby's life began-I might have even been on the same gurney. (I was too far along for a natural miscarriage because of the risk of hemorrhage.) When they brought me into the OR, they wheeled in an ultrasound machine. Dr. B brought out the dildo cam to prove to me that my baby's heart had stopped. He also had to get me to sign the consent for the D&C since I refused until I could see the baby for myself. At this point, I was still hoping that the slow heartbeat we had seen the week before would miraculously become strong again. There was no movement and no heartbeat. The last things I remember are the nurse rubbing my leg,calling me "Sweet Ginger" with tears in her eyes and the Anesthesiologist telling me "You are going to be pregnant someday-I can feel it. Just stay positive".
Whew, that was tough. Thanks to the wonderful nurses and Drs. at NYU for being so supportive. I still can't really think about it without breaking down. We were so happy when we found out that I was pregnant. After 2 failed IVF cycles, I knew, I was proof in the saying "third time's a charm" but I have wished almost daily that I was never pregnant that time. I know what it's like to not be able to get pregnant and I know what it's like to lose a baby and I can tell you which is worse. I am scared to death of losing another baby. I'm scared to death not to try again. What if the only glimpse of motherhood for me is that time I got pregnant and miscarried? I can't believe this is it for me so I keep going.
My baby boy should have been born 12/16/09. The joyous Christmas I envisioned last May was not to be. Thanks to the love and support of my hubs and our families, we survived. Maybe I was just off by a year.
Thanks for reading.
p.s More history tomorrow. Yeah, there's more!
I have moved
10 months ago