Thursday, January 14, 2010

History lesson nearly complete.....

Before I go into the details about cycle #4, I have to give you a little background regarding the events leading up to it. You see, I really believe that how I treated myself and my body after my miscarriage had a lot to do with the outcome of my last IVF cycle.

So, after the m/c I stopped taking care of myself. I took a few days off from work(no one knew about the m/c or even the fact that I was pg.) I just sat in bed and cried and watched tv and I withdrew from everyone. (I had already been pulling away from friends and family for months. Infertility is very isolating.) My nephew (who I adore)turned 4 and I missed his birthday party because I couldn't stand to be around all of the families with young children just 2 weeks after my "surgery". That sweet boy has (unknowingly) cheered me up so many times and I let him down by missing his party. Another reason to feel great about myself.

I was in pain and I had no idea how I would ever overcome the blanket of sadness and despair that coated every area of my life. As sad as my husband was, he just couldn't understand. That baby was not inside of him, attached to him. They didn't remove it from his body. As a matter of fact, no one can understand unless they have been through it.

I tried to comfort myself with food,(chocolate, terra chips and mac & cheese-mmmmm)shopping and I am ashamed to admit-vicodin(left over from a previous stash is gone now.)To my utter horror, I had already gone up a full pant size. I was fat, out of shape(I had stopped working soon after starting my shots-Drs. orders.)and I didn't even have a baby to show for it. I tried to eat my sorrow away and when I realized that I had gained 10lbs. in 3 months, I panicked.

I regrouped after a few weeks. (I did not start feeling better,mind you. I just rejoined society)I had to go to a bridal shower for my BIL's fiancee and there was no getting out of it. (No one knew I was pg and I didn't need trouble with this girl.) Well, nothing fit. I had to buy a new dress. I also bought my 1st pair of spanx and I wore them all summer.

Did I mention that I began to hate God? I stopped going to church. I cursed God. I asked why. I was angry at the world. Why can meth addicts get pg? How can you take a baby from a loving couple but allow abusive people to have children so easily? I suppose it's all part of the grieving process but I was self destructive in my thinking and the way I treated myself.

In one of my most defiant moves, I began crash dieting. I would eat less than 900 calories a day and exercise for 2 hours a day-every day. And I wondered why I was getting dizzy spells......I wore myself out. I was trying to lose the 10 lbs. of "baby wieght" and I didn't think about what it was doing to me. I knew we would do another cycle at some point and I knew I had to lose the weight and get healthy before that. Well, starving myself was not the way. I think that had a lot to do with why cycle #4 (Oct. 2009)was another failure for me(a chemical pregnancy) That and my attitude. I was not ready to cycle again only 5 months after my m/c. I was still crushed about the loss. But I let my worries over my age take over. Don't get me wrong, the clock is ticking but I think I needed a little more time.

My baby was only with me for a brief time but my hubs and I already loved him so much. We loved the idea of a baby for so long and when we finally got what we wished for, we didn't expect it to be yanked from our grasp. Especially after what we went through to get there,just to get to that 10 week mark. Shots and surgeries and countless Dr. appts and travel and mini freak outs on my part. You think PMS is bad? Try taking progesterone shots.

After cycle #4, we met with the RE. He suggested donor eggs. He was the 2nd Dr. to do so. H & I discussed it. I had already given it a lot of thought and I had decided that I wanted to do that for my H. I wanted to carry a baby and I was willing to give up my DNA connection for my H to have a biological child. To my surprise, he told me that he would rather adopt than have a baby with his DNA and not mine. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

We did decide to give it 1 more shot with another clinic. I am currently seeing another top NYC Doc. The AMA guru, if you will. He gets lots of old ladies pg and he thinks we have a good shot. (4 IVF cycles and I have been pg 3 times)We want to make sure that we have done all we can to have a biological child before we pursue other avenues.

I'll start with present day info. in my next post. I hope you will stay with me during my next cycle. I could really use the support. Thanks for reading!

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