Tuesday, September 27, 2011

A visit with Grams

I went to see my Gram yesterday. Yep. I'm 40 years old and I still have 1 living grandparent. I love to visit my Gram. Time stands still for me there. I feel like a child again. No one can make you feel like a Grandma can. My Gram has a knack for making everyone feel like they are the most special person around...even people she meets for the 1st time. She is very devout and I am in awe of that. I cannot imagine a life built on such unwavering faith. Even after losing my Grandpa, she continues to live a very full and active life.

My Gram's house is the same exact way that it was when I was a little girl. She has the shiniest kitchen linoleum I have ever seen and lots of crochet stuff and starched doilies. Whenever I step foot in her house, I can almost see my child self playing "tea party" with the mini cups and plates or making pictures with the Spirograph. I had hoped someday that my own children would play there. It makes me a little sad but I feel safe when I am there. Every time I see her, my Gram tells me how she prays for us to become parents. She loves my husband and she thinks he is just like my Grandpa. She thinks we are very lucky and she tells us all the time how happy she is that we found each other....."Just like me and Gramp" she'll say. One small difference: we have no children and I might never be a Grandma to anyone. You tend to forget about that part. Sure, it's hard to accept that you might never be a parent but that means you'll never be a grandparent,either. I had a special relationship with both of my Grandmas and it makes me so sad that I may never have the chance to be that special person for someone else.

I know. Just because you are a parent, it doesn't mean you'll be a grandparent. Some of you may not. But you may. The possibility is there. When you are an infetile, it's just another thing you end up mourning. It's a lifetime of mourning all at once.

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