Thursday, September 22, 2011

Going forward

Don't judge me but I subscribe to a daily email from Rev Run. Yes, the guy from run DMC. I really liked his show a few years ago on mtv and I jumped on his "Daily Word" bandwagon. It's basically an inspirational quote sent to your inbox every day. Sometimes they don't mean much to me and I hit delete. But some days, that damn email can really speak to me.

Like the title of my post suggests, the tile of his email was "Going Forward" and it said "Good morning. A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually. One must fight for a life of action, not reaction."

Today...right now, going forward could mean a number of different paths. I don't know if we should pursue DE or adoption or foster care. I don't know if children are in our future. I suppose I should be very sure before we move forward. I know...I keep saying "I". H is probably ok with stopping everything. He is not sure he wants a baby without my DNA. He wants our baby to be beautiful like me. (His words-NOT MINE!)Let's be honest....he doesn't want to spend the money,either. It's a lot more than IVF and there is still a big chance it won't work. He is also not keen on adoption. Both of us are reluctant to start that is so daunting. I know there are children out there who would be so lucky to have us and the life we could provide but there are so many couples competing for the same babies, anyway. I am sure there are loads of amazing couples who are much more confident in their choice to adopt. We don't need to be competition for them,either. That's not fair.

H would probably go along with whatever makes me happy. That is how he is. He makes most of the decisions when it comes to money and the work we do on the house,etc. but he usually defers to me about this stuff. It is really overwhelming to be making these types of decisions on my own. i.e going to all the NYC clinics, trying IVF so many times, trying DS. It's a pretty heavy burden to bear when it goes wrong,too. I have no one to blame but myself for the past 4 years...the heartache, the money that is gone,the toll it has taken on my body....on our relationship at times. There are things that we have said in the name of anger and hormones that can never be taken back. My head is spinning thinking about it. Yet, I have no regrets. If we didn't try, we would probably always wonder. I just wish we had our baby.

So, while I was struck by how profound the title of that email was, I have no clue what "going forward" means for us. I am going to save it in a folder somewhere or maybe I'll print it out and keep it in my wallet. I don't want to live my life by having a reaction to things that happen to me. I want to make things happen. I hope that someday soon I do have some answers and that I don't feel like we are stuck in a place we don't want to be. I guess we start slow, take it one day at a time and maybe the rest will unfold. Perhaps the actions will present themselves if we stop fighting our circumstances.

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