Saturday, September 24, 2011

Six years

It was a gorgeous sunny day in the low 70s. The humidity was nonexistent and there was a slight breeze. I remember the big news story was still Hurricane Katrina even though it had happened almost a month earlier.

I was so very calm (not my personality)and simply beaming. I have never felt more like myself than I did on that day. People could not help but be happy in my presence. I was about to marry the love of my life and we were about to start our life together with a family of our own. I just knew I would be pregnant before our 1st anniversary. I didn't care if it was a boy or a girl but I did secretly hope for one of each at some point. I knew it might take a little longer for us than the average couple since I was pushing 35.

After our 1st anniversary, nothing happened. I got sick with a bad Crohn's flare and we had to put things on hold for another 2 years until I went back into remission. By that time, I was 37 and already considered old (reproductively speaking). In early 2008, we found out about the issues with the sperm and we were told IVF was our only option.

You should know everything that happened from then on. If not, check my archives.

Our marriage has been one struggle after another....mostly all health related. It has been 6 years of wishing and hoping and longing. Instead of being happy with our family of 2, we have been desperately trying to add more members. I know I said I had no regrets about what we have done and I still feel that way. But when I think back to that day 6 years ago, I almost feel like we have nothing to show for it.

Luckily, our marriage has survived all the shit that comes with infertility but I want to be that girl that I was on my wedding day again. I don't know how to do that but I want to be that happy and hopeful does H. I'm praying we can figure it out together and we can find that happiness a different way.

Happy anniversary, H!

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