You take the good, you take the bad......

H got really tired of me moping around the house and making up stories in my head about what went wrong with cycle# 5 (totally obsessing about what the Dr. might say.) I'm sure the past 2 weeks have not been easy on him. He does not like to see me hurting so he took charge and booked a follow up with Dr. D. I had my WTF yesterday. Despite not being ready,I agreed to meet with the Dr. and hear what he had to say.

He feels like there are 2 possible problems:

1. My uterus

2. H's sperm


I was totally prepared for him to tell me to start picking egg donors but he seems to think that my eggs are not necessarily the biggest issue.....good news, right? Not so much. He does want me to try at least 1 more cycle with my own eggs because I respond very well to the meds for a woman my age. I make a decent amount of eggs for a 39 year old and my FSH is quite low (never above a 7.1 thankyouverymuch). Remember, this guy is the AMA Guru so he has seen a lot of women my age and even younger who do not do as well with egg making as I do. He also sees lots of women my age who do not respond as well as I do but end up pregnant with less IVFs under their belts.

However, that doesn't mean we get to celebrate..... It takes 2 people to make a baby(or 22 if you do IVF but 2 people need to bring the good DNA). Dr. D feels that H might have more problems than low sperm count, motility and morph. He thinks the DNA in the sperm might be bad. For the past 2 years, I have been begging to have H's sperm tested for chromosomal abnormalities but the REs keep telling me that ICSI takes care of all the problems with the sperm and it has to be my eggs because I am over 35. There is, however, a test called an SCSA and it tests for DNA fragmentation in the sperm. Two other REs have shoved the AMA diagnosis down my throat for the past 2 years and would not even entertain the fact that the sperm might be abnormal. Dr. D suggested the test to us without prompting from me. Guess what? Turns out ICSI does not fixy everything. Something I suspected all along......Not that it matters who has the problem, but the eggs have done nothing but age and I feel like we have lost a lot of time. If we knew of this 2 years ago, we could have done DS instead of blaming my eggs and making us both feel like crap and still leaving us childless.


What does that mean if the sperm are fragmented? If we find that H's sperm are more than 14% fragmented, it decreases our chances. Dr. D gives us a 30% shot any given cycle but if we find fragmentation, it would decrease our chances to about 20%. Why such a big deal? Well, I thought DE would fix everything since my eggs are so "bad" but if the sperm is "bad", then the chances of success using a younger woman's eggs would also be decreased. Not an ideal situation at $30,000. yes, $30,000 a pop.

Dr. D also wants to do a hysteroscopy (exam of the ute under anaesthesia) to check out my lining very closely. The HSG (dye in the tubes and ute)can tell you only so much. It can search for polyps and fibroids but it is not so good finding the scar tissue. My ute could have cobwebs(not due to lack of sex) or be really scaly. Not the ideal enviromnment for implantaion to occur.He feels that there might be something going on in there because of the d & c last year. If he finds anything, he'll remove it. I appreciate how thorough he is and hope that his instinct is right about us.....that we are 1 cycle away from success. He actually said that. If nothing else, I will get some good drugs when they knock me out while he looks around.

So, we have a few more tests to look forward to. Another heartbreak? Do we push forward and keep hoping for the best? Keep doing cycles until we can't take it anymore? (I'm pretty much there)Or do we stop everything and prepare to live childless? Are we just prolonging the grieving process? Lots of decisions to make.At this point we will have the tests. If we don't do another cycle, we will at least have some answers. If you feel like weighing in or giving me any advice...I'll take it.

EDD for IVF (and m/c) #1

That's today. April 23rd. I would have had a 1 year old if that pregnancy worked out. I didn't realize it until I sent a fax at work today and had to write the date.

I'm in treatment. Or I will be soon. I took the 1st available appt. which happens to be 3 weeks from now. I can't do this by myself anymore.

I am mad at the world. I am so sad I can't breathe. I am so tired but I can't sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night having panic attacks because I just don't know where my life is headed. I am so scared that something will happen to my husband and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I have no faith. I try to pray but I am still so angry about my miscarriage (not to mention the years of hell thanks to 30+ Crohn's surgeries)that it feels empty. I don't actually believe anything will come of it. When I pray for other people, the prayers are usually answered. Praying for myself just brings me more pain and I get the exact opposite of what I ask for. I haven't really had the happiest adult life ...between the disease(14 years and counting) and the infertility and not meeting my husband until late in life (at age 32)I don't know how much more I can take and I don't want to find out.

I probably should have been seeing someone all along but the last Therapist I saw was a fucking wing nut. This is what she told me when I told her I was scared that IVF #1 wouldn't work: "You don't know how life works. Maybe being childless was something you decided on before birth and you are going against all of the decisions you already made for your life." WTF? You don't say that shit to a Catholic. She also wanted to make me lick the toilet seat in her office building because I have an issue with germs. (A little background: I was taking a drug for Crohn's that weakens the immune system and I could catch colds very easily so I tend to Purell regularly.)Yeah, she was not a good match.


When I am going through a tough time, I don't want anyone near me. I don't want visitors. I don't want to talk on the phone and I don't want anyone touching me. I will deal with things by myself. I have to get through it by myself. At the end of the day, I am all I have. Yes, there are people who care about me and want to offer support but I have to come to terms with this by myself. I don't want people telling me it's not meant to be or that it will happen in God's time, not mine. I don't want to hear that I am too "Type A" and that I need to relax or it will never happen. I don't want anyone telling me I am strong. I am not strong. I want to curl up in a ball and not face the world. Does that sound like something a strong woman would say? I cannot face a pregnant woman and I don't want to be around children. I am in a pathetic place, an irrational, emotionally charged, drama induced state and I don't want anyone to see that, either. Oddly, writing helps. So does screaming at people who cut me off in traffic.

Hopefully, someone with a professional background will be able to help me resolve some of my feelings about all that has happened to me. And help me come to terms with a future I couldn't have imagined in my worst dreams.

I do want to thank everyone who has emailed me and left comments to offer me hugs and support. I appreciate it so much. I know you have all "been there" and you know my pain. The fact that you are still reading kind of blows my mind because these are some bad posts. Even I can see that. I will update on the message boards soon. One step at a time. Thanks for listening.

Bloodwork Found

No surprises. I made my husband call them and despite telling him that he should not call me at work...he did just that. Does this man even fucking care about me at all? Does he just not listen to anything I say? He knows I am an emotional person and how no one at work is aware of my "Adventures in IVF". Why would someone who supposedly loves you do something to hurt you even more? I just had a meltdown in the bathroom. Thank goodness no one was in there but people keep asking me if I am crying. At least it is allergy season and I can tell them someting bothered my eyes.

I still haven't decided if I want to make a WTF appt. I don't know if I can even handle the news. Crappy eggs + crappy sperm = "just adopt." What I do know is that I cannot put myself through all the traveling and all the secrecy and excuses at work if it is just going to be negative again. I just can't find a positive spin to our situation and I don't know how I am ever supposed to find happiness. I certainly don't expect to find it in my marriage and that is pretty fucking sad.

How to make a shitty situation even worse or "Bloodwork Lost"

Are you fucking kidding me? I got a message that was left at 4:27 stating that Cornell (The Land of the Lost) never received my blood work from 8:30 this morning when I had it done. I gave them the lab's phone number but it is something I ended up checking on myself. FYI: The lab said they sent it. I left a bitchy message for my sweet nurse (but seriously....you call me 45 min. before all businesses close for the day and you couldn't have called the lab yourself? And they have called me every single time I have had b/w done out of town to say they never received it only to have it miraculously turn up a little while later).

I know the result so that's not the point. Don't they know what they are putting me through? I could barely bring myself to listen to the message that was left...yes...all by myself... because H is gone again like he has been for this whole cycle. I went through this whole thing BY MYSELF. Yup, I am pissed. All because remodeling that fucking rental property and making money means so much to him. He barely got any rest during the cycle. Neither did I thanks to driving to Cornell every day that last week but I am not the one with the shitty sperm. He can't afford not to pull out all the stops but he chose something else that was more important to him. When I want something, I focus on it and make sure I am doing everything possible to help my outcome. H just swims in circles like his sperm.

This is a very nasty and mean post and you will probably lose a ton of respect for me today. Don't worry about H, though. He doesn't read my blog anyway.

Flow is in town

IVF # 5 = one big fat failure. My body couldn't even wait for the pregnancy test this time. It wasn't even a chemical. I guess I am too old if the AMA Guru can't even get me pregnant. My low FSH doesn't mean a fucking thing. I am numb.

10 dp 3dt...Not looking promising

Had a little spotting last night...that's never been a good sign for me. Historically, it's always meant a chemical or that Flow was imminent. I'm a little crampy, too. And no pregnancy symptoms in site :(

I was channel surfing last night and I saw a show about adoption....so I watched for a little while. The couple was a little older than us and they had tried a few times before they finally ended up with a baby.(Imagine being told you were all set and then not getting your baby...a little too much like a miscarriage.) Things had gone wrong and they didn't end up getting babies before. I hope that wasn't some kind of sign that we should adopt because it turned me right off. Adoption, I think, is not for us. I don't think I could deal with the rejection. As the show pointed out, there are so many couples waiting for the same baby. I know you have to do a lot of paperwork and a profile book and basically "sell yourself". Who is going to want to give a baby to a 40 year old woman with Crohn's disease? I was never very good at sales and marketing (I've never won any popularity contests,either)and I resent the fact that I would have to compete to get a baby.

Feeling a little hopeless as I know I can't put myself through another cycle and adoption and DE are probably not options, either. Both are just another level of complication my heart is not ready to open itself up to. Everyone says you know when you've had enough....I think I've reached my threshold.

9dp 3dt...that was fast

Pregnancy symptoms gone....my boobs aren't even sore anymore. As a matter of fact....it is starting to feel more and more like Flo is about to show :(

I have all the signs....slight weight gain, gastrointestinal issues and now I understand the fatigue...probably just ordinary monthly Flo fatigue. I even feel like the blood is starting to flow. I put a pad on before leaving the house (No tampons ....nothing in the vag until the pg test)

There are a few pregnancy symptoms that are missing and I should be able to notice by this point in the cycle. (Remember that even though my pregnancy test is scheduled for Monday, it should technically be done on Saturday...thanks to the no pg test at Cornell on the weekend rule....boo!)No tender boobs or big nipples. No constipation, no super sense of smell and no food cravings. All of those signs are missing and therefore, I am sure that this did not work...yet again. How could I go from being so hopeful yesterday to so hopeless a day later?

Just not sure where to go from here. I don't think I can make myself do a DE cycle. I am fine with using a donor but I am so scared that it will not work. It's one thing to use my own eggs but if I can't even make a young chickie's eggs work in my body I will feel utterly useless. It just seems like we'll be going down another road that we won't be able to stop on...just like IVF. How many DE cycles will we do because we are too afraid to stop? At some point you need to analyze the cost vs. the historical outcome vs. the odds and I guess it makes sense to stop before going the donor route. Just like the rest of my life...so close yet so far away.

Blogging from somewhere around 8dp 3dt?

Trying not to count the days I have left. I've been too tired to blog lately. The last thing I want to do at night is log onto my computer and type away when I do it all day at work. (Technically, my work day is only 5 hrs. but that is about all I can handle these days. No fun shopping trips after work or manicures or pedicures. I definitely need a good eyebrow wax, too.)

Hoping the fatigue is a good sign....but you just never know. Fatigue is also a sure sign that Flo is in the house (or the uterus.)

But today, I feel pregnant.......I've had lots of heartburn and reflux which is not something that ever happens to me. I feel feverish and have had a few hot flashes but I have had chills at times. I also had pretty bad cramps and gas pains and that was something that happened when I was pregnant this time last year. While I was not a blogger back then, I did keep very detailed records (day by day) in a journal. I have been obsessively comparing notes and all signs are pointing to a happy outcome.

So, for now, I am living life in a happy place filled with miracles and possibilities.

Bottom line is: It's all a guessing game...one big mind fuck. No way to know for sure without a blood test and that's not happenin' until Monday. Grrrrr.

5 dp 3dt....1 week down, 1 to go

New day, even less symptoms. Maybe just a touch of heartburn and indigestion but I have had that all along from the progesterone. I should be feeling something by now.... My ovaries did feel a little bloated and sore after my walk this morning but I am not even tired anymore. I did more today than I did all last week and I still have energy......

I saw a cardinal this morning. Playing in the bushes with a Robin. I happened to be listening to a Josh Groban song on my ipod at the time (a song that was played at my beloved Gram's funeral) so I went home and googled "symbolism of a cardinal". I saw a bunch of conflicting answers. Everything from it being a symbol of death (1 person on a message board told a story about how she works for hospice and every time they saw a cardinal, someone passed away. People on message boards don't necessarily have the credibility I am looking for in this instance so I am ignoring this theory.) to a cardinal sighting being a visit from someone who has passed away. This explanation made a bit more sense since I saw the cardinal as I was listening to the song played at my grandmother's funeral. And FYI, if we have a little girl she will be named after my grandmother (or some variation of her name).

The best explanation I found however, was when I googled "religious symbolism of a cardinal". It really seemed to fit my mood and my quest for the meaning of this latest sign. It said "The cardinal bird is symbolic of faith, so it comes to remind us to "keep the faith" though circumstances might look bleak, dark and hopeless."

I have gone back and forth trying to decipher this one. Did a cardinal visit me to tell me that my embies are gone? (death) Is my Grandmother trying to tell me that everything is going to be ok? (visited by a loved one) Is God trying to tell me that this isn't going to happen but I should have faith that my life will have some kind of meaning without a child? Or is He trying to tell me that even though I have no symptoms I should keep the faith that it worked? (religious symbolism)

No way to know until beta day. Next Saturday or Monday. I haven't decided. The most pretigious fertility clinic in the United States does not do pregnancy tests on Saturdays or Sundays. So, even though I paid my $10k + I have to wait an extra 2 days. I can get the test done locally on Sat. but I still can't get the results until Mon. God forbid somebody can read the faxed results and place a call to me. FFS. If my RE can call me at home on a Sat. to tell me blood test results why the F can't a nurse? Grrrr. I bet if Celine Dion wanted her beta on a Saturday they would do it for her.

Well, back to my Beyond Belief marathon. I love when I decide to be a couch potato and something good is on the tube!

Thanks for reading!

4 dp 3dt....trying to distract myself

Was out all day yesterday and had no time to post so here is how I remember it:

Went to a craft fair and lunch with mother and sister...not a cheesy craft fair with nothing but crocheted toilet paper doll covers (please google this and you will die laughing)and homemade sweatshirts with dogs painted on them. It wasn't all country or folksy. This craft fair had some of that stuff but they also had a lot of really nice artwork and food things. I purchased 2 french country inspired pictures. Very reminiscent of things I have purchased from the Ballard Designs catalogue ...my fave! I also picked up some fudge for H and soup mix. My mom bought my 2 yr. old niece the cutest little tutu (she calls it a ballerina skirt)so you see, it was not just an old lady craft fair. I am far too hip for that.....My Gram also stopped by in the evening with some homemade galumpki (stuffed cabbage rolls for the non-Polish readers)so it was a very full day for me.

Symptom wise I am not feeling much. Boobs are still sore and I had very sore ovaries, pubic bone, lower back, thighs and groin after being on my feet for 3 hours. It felt like I was on my last day of stims and I was lugging around 10 eggs on each ovary. I also had a bit of indigestion. All due to the progesterone,no doubt. I am starting to feel like this did not work. I'm definitely not feeling pregnant and I am beating myself up for the sins of the past few days.

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you about another picture I found (or maybe it found me....) It's a picture of a tree with a poem underneath. The poem is called "Living Life" by Bonnie Mohr. The poem really inspired me when I read it. The 1st time I saw the picture I decided to buy it...but I walked away. (Even though the words were beautiful, something in me thought it looked like the opening credits of "Tales From the Darkside".) I saw the picture a 2nd time and it cost more money so I walked away again but I was not as scared of it. The third time I saw the picture I did not like the frame but it was 1/2 the price. At the 4th vendor, I said aloud to Mom and Sis "If I find that picture here, it is meant to be mine." They both said" You won't find it here". But guess what? It is hanging on my wall now. The frame was much more expensive looking and it was $1. cheaper than all the others. If you read the poem you will understand why I decided to buy it. Something in me needed to hear those words and it was like a sign (Oh, really?) Maybe I need to focus on these words in order to have a happy life. Maybe I will not be a Mom and maybe I will need these words to comfort me in the days ahead. It makes me a little sad to think that way but a part of me felt like God was jumping right in front of me and after saying "screw you" 3 times, I finally listened to Him.

1dp 3dt

So begins the 2ww...the most dreaded time frame in an infertile's world. Technically, it is not 2 weeks.....more like 12 days from now. But it is going to feel like 2 months from now.

Still feeling a little pinching and cramping. Way too early for implantation cramping. more than likely it is just some residual cramping from the transfer. Still feeling very pregnant without actually being pregnant yet thanks to the HCG and progesterone shots. No fair to have to go through it if you do not get to take home a baby, is it? GRRRR.

So, I had an interesting experience at the acupuncturist today. The table I lay on is heated. It always feels so good and I didn't give it a 2nd thought. Just as I started to drift off, I had a terrible thought. What if I was baking my newly planted embryos? I jumped up with needles sticking out all over the place. ( In my ears, my wrists, my feet, my ankles and most notably...right in the middle of my forehead.)I tried to shut the table off but I couldn't figure it out. I ran out into the waiting room (which happened to be full of people)leaving a trail of needles behind me in search of my Acupuncturist. She ended up taking the needles right out...they were only in for about 15 min. She told me that as long as I don't put heat on my belly I would be fine. It makes sense because my clinic recommends using a heating pad after you do your progesterone shot to relieve some of the pain and make the oil distribute a little easier. I have been with her for 2 years and I should have known that she would not do anything to harm me after what she has seen me go through. Oh and FYI, I have laid on the heated table while pregnant before.....Totally acting pregnant too, huh?

So between the acupuncture incident and being worried about lifting the pots I cooked the green beans and broccoli in for dinner, I am already worried that I have messed something up. Most women don't go through this when they are pregnant. While it is kind of cool that I get to see my embryos and I know what my exact due date would be, I think I would prefer a little more mystery if I could have a little more peace of mind!!

Transfer day....breathing a sigh of relief

The news was not as bleak as we had feared.....Many of you are probably saying "I told you so" right now but remember that I am a hormonal mess.....

Only 3 out of the 4 of the embies made it to transfer day. That was honestly more than we expected and we are completely relieved and dare I say...thrilled. The RE and Embryologist called my embabies beautiful!

Wanna see?

I feel so proud. We have 1 11 cell, 1 8 cell and 1 6 cell living inside of me right now! I'm feeling a little cramping from the procedure and it's completely irrational but I like to think that cramping is my babies settling in and saying hello. FWIW, I have never had an 11 cell embie on any day 3 transfer in the past.....I've never had more than an 8. It still doesn't guarantee results but for now, my mind is at rest.

There were a few signs along the way today or what I thought were signs....because that's how I am!

I rode up in the elevator with a girl named Hope.

Another girl I met was a Labor and Delivery nurse at Mt. Sinai....a place I know all too well (thanks to Crohn's.)

When we were leaving the hospital, a very pregnant woman showed up in an ambulance ready to deliver...everyone, whether waiting for taxis or the valet stood around watching and you could just feel the happy vibes. No one was annoyed that they couldn't get their car or that the taxis could not get through. It was comforting to be a part of that at that moment.....not sure if it makes sense to you all but I was surrounded by pregnant women all day and did not feel a pang of jealousy.

We watched an rerun of Friends (still one of my fave shows. I am so ready for a reunion!)when we got home and guess what episode was on? "The One with Phoebe's Uterus". Ha! She got pregnant with triplets with fertility treatments. Granted, she was a surrogate and can I say the timing of the whole thing was completely inaccurate (well, it is a sitcom) but I am carrying 3 embryos around with me.....

I am not sure how I feel about this but the movie "Half a Dozen Babies" was on last night,too........

Sure this could all be coincidence but as I've said before....whatever gets you through the day!

Still feeling the effects of the HCG shot and progesterone at this point. I got up to pee 5 times last night and my boobs feel bruised. I am also very emotional as you might be able to tell if you read my last few posts. (Sorry about that....)

Well, thanks for reading....I will write soon!

CD 17 IVF purgatory

This has to be the worst day. I can handle waiting to see if my follicles have grown or how many follies were retrieved. And the 2ww is what it is.

But waiting to see if your embryos have made it to transfer day is someting I have never had to worry about before. What if I don't even have the chance to suffer through the 2ww? What if all of the travel and sleep deprivation was all for nothing? H and I talked a little about what we might do next. He was always against adoption and donor sperm but I thought I could change his mind. It looks like that is not going to happen. He is even backing down on donor eggs at this point. He wants me to keep doing IVFs. He just spent the last 2 weeks working like a dog, not taking care of himself and drinking more than he should have been and he wonders why our fertilization rate was so poor? He expects me to make all the sacrifices. We have always had a solid mariage but I am feeling very resentful. I am sure the sperm was the problem.

Just hoping my 4 little embabies are all still alive and ready to move into their new home. I don't care what the Drs. say...if all 4 are there they are all coming home with me.

Sorry the past few posts have been rather dark. You are getting the real me here and I am not able to drag myself out of this right now.

CD 16...no Easter miracle

10 eggs
7 mature
4 fertilized

I've never had such a poor fertilization report. I guess that makes sense since we are doing nothing but aging. We are just praying that we have live embryos when we drive all the way downstate on Tuesday for our 3 day transfer.

Cycle # 4 in October was a similar performance:

5 eggs
5 mature
4 fertilized

but only 2 made it to transfer day. My history scares me.

If Jesus Christ can rise from the dead on Easter morning why couldn't He just let me have just 1 baby? Good news is not even possible for us on Easter Sunday when renewed life is the theme of the day.

I'm so sick of praying for a miracle and getting kicked in the crotch every time. It's not like I am asking for millions or cars or fame or fortune. It's a baby. Someone else for H and I to love. H was so sad when we were driving to my parent's house for Easter dinner. He just looked at me and said that he just wants to be driving in the car with a kid in the backseat. He is tired of us showing up everywhere alone while all around us, everyone is toting their little ones. I have done a pretty good job of staying positive for the past 4 years....I have had my down days but now I just feel hopeless. No, it's not over yet but if past performance is any indication, it looks like I am on my way to a child free existence.

CD 15...layed my eggs

.....as H would say. Just in time for Easter! That cracks him up. (More like he cracks himself up since he is the one that came up with that.) They got 10 eggs and he keeps telling me that it's a "Ginger's dozen." The bad jokes don't stop, folks. Seriously, I am happy with that count. I just hope the fert. report is good news.

Everything went fairly well today with the exception of the pain...they do NOT use the goods drugs at Cornell. Just a little Tylenol to soothe my banged up ovaries. I think the swelling and bloat makes everything feel so much worse. I am drinking Tiger Woods Gatorade as I type. Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't have opened that bottle...could have been a collectors item. BTW, the flavor is called Quiet Storm. Ironic considering he is dealing with his own personal shit storm right now.

We were out the door by 12:30 but the valet's brought us the wrong car and we waited for 30 min. for them to locate it. They lost my damn car on the day of my retrieval...can you believe that? The car is replaceable, but my sock monkey was in the backseat! Gabby (his name) stays in my car because H says I need someone to make sure I don't speed since I have a fast car. (Which reminds me...I brought a banana with me to snack on yesterday and I put it on the backseat. H yelled.."Don't put it back there, the monkey will eat it!" Something else I found hysterical yesterday. Damn hormones.)

H had the girl at the desk laughing. (I was calling her personality plus....sarcastically). Close to his designated sample time, he walked up to the desk with a question about his job for the day. (I left the instructions in the car the valet's nearly lost.)

H: "Is this where I need to be to give my sample?" (H being discreet)

PP (Personality Plus): "Sample? What sample?"

H: "Sperm sample" (Said in "H whisper" ... discretion gone. The man can't whisper.)

PP: "Sperm?"

H: "Yeah, sperm. Urine's not gonna work so well here." Ba-da bum. (cue drums)

She who did not crack a smile all day did giggle for him. Um, If this girl works in an IVF unit, shouldn't she know what "sample" means?

I don't really like the way Cornell handles their retrievals. I don't like the fact that all of the women having their retrievals sit around in hospital gowns next to their "responsible parties" (husbands, partners, parents, whatev)who are in street clothes. I don't like the fact that you have to be there so early and you just sit around. It is pretty awkward.... you don't really talk to each other. I just kept trying to figure out who was older than me. Once you get closer to your Op time they move you into a tiny waiting room with just the women. (It's smaller than my closet.) There is a space for 3 people but they only have 2 magazines. Crappy magazines and I was not interested. I tried to make a little conversation with the girl across from me whose knees were touching mine (kidding but it is close quarters!) but she wasn't in the talking mood. Whatever. I mean, I don't like people talking to me on planes or trains but I figured we had something in common and could bond a little. Her loss.

They didn't make me pee before I was able to leave like most places do. I have never had a surgery (I have had about 30) without being threatened to make pee before I left the hospital. I couldn't go and I was so afraid my bladder was going to burst on the Thruway. I felt the urge around the Ramapo service station so we stopped and I also grabbed a coffee. While in line at Dunkin Donuts I saw a man with a set of twins in a stroller. (Boy, girl just like I want!) Think that's a sign? Or God's way of saying "Naaaaaaaahhhh, naaaaaaaaaahhhh look what you'll never have? I mean, why did my bladder kick in when we reached that particular stop? I'll let that get me through the next 2 weeks.

Off to put my feet up. If H comes home from the market and finds me out of bed he is going to yell.......

CD 14....pre op

Posting this a day late but just wanted to document in case we do this again (Please God let us have our baby so this will be the last time!)

Left home at 3:30am. Arrived in NYC at 6:38....yup, 8 minutes late for pre op. Found out follie count jumped to 10-12 from only 6 the day before. Yay!

Thanks to my friend C, we stayed in a very clean and comfortable hotel not far from the city. Thank you for the recommendation, C and for inviting us into your lovely home. You guys are the cutest family ever!

My expanding ovaries caught up with me somewhere around 3 pm on CD14. I blew up even more (if that is possible.) I should have never gone for a walk but it was such a warm spring day and I was craving fresh air. Good thing I was wearing last year's larger size pants from when I was pg. I have to remember to do a better job of staying off my feet after the trigger shot. I am not one to sit still so it is way too difficult but I suppose it's necessary. I felt a little better after a 3 hr. nap and a hot shower.

At least I still had my sense of humor....as a matter of fact, everything seemed so funny to me. I got to watch Wife Swap while H went to the hotel workout room (this show is not on my regular rotation but no Bravo, E, Family channel or Soap network so that was my compromise). That was cracking me up but I had a fit of hysterical laughter at bedtime (around 10:30) H was excited to finally get the remote control (as I was closing my eyes) where he stopped on CNBC and said" Here we go!" all excited like. I opened my eyes in case it was something interesting and all I saw was a man with a long white beard and glasses in what looked like a nun's habit. I started laughing and I couldn't stop. The man was Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew...someone I never heard of but for some reason I was hysterical about the fact that my H was interested in him. It turns out he was just looking for the stock quotes but he started laughing because I was laughing and we didn't calm down for about 30 minutes. Must have been a release of all of the tension from the past week. We felt like ourselves for a brief moment...before we knew we had issues, before the IVF stuff. I'll probably always remember that somewhat fondly whatever the outcome.

Thanks for reading!

CD 13...trigger day

So, I am triggering on CD 13. Really? What is with this # and me? It just won't leave me alone. (When I had my m/c last year I had 13 eggs retrieved.) And today is also April Fool's Day. I am not sure how I feel about this....Another cruel joke?

E2 was 953 and there are 6 definite follies. Still 4-6 smaller ones that may catch up. Not sue how I feel about this either. Hopefully, the EPP will help with the egg quality. I am also worried about H and his counts. He has been working really hard for the past month and getting hardly any sleep for the past week.

I can't believe I am here again...for the 5th time. Filled with hope and fear and skepticism and, I hate to say it, but desperation.

Tomorrow we go to NYC for the pre op and Sat. is the retrieval. (11:45 am)I probably won't be back to report until late Saturday or maybe Sunday...... Wish me luck!