A sign of the times

I went shopping last Saturday. I figured it was my last weekend to beat the crowds. I am a really savvy shopper-it's like a sport to me but I don't enjoy the manic feel of shopping during the Christmas season. (with the exception of Black Friday-the deals are too,too tempting!)I ended up at the Benefit counter at Macy's. I wanted to buy a bottle of "Maybe Baby". Yep, it's a perfume. Yep, I am aware of the irony but I just love the scent. I had a sample last year and I kept meaning to buy some but I never made it to the counter..... until Saturday.

I was anxious to get on with my shopping trip-I wanted a new outfit for Thanksgiving but another customer was being helped around the corner. She seemed to be buying the entire line and I am not rude enough to interrupt so I decided to come back later. Before I had the chance to walk away, the customer started speaking and I recognized the voice so I peeked around the corner and saw a familiar face. You probably won't believe me when I tell you but it was a lady from the adoption fair we went to the week before. Not only that, but she works for the agency that has been presenting itself to me for the last few years. She looked at me and said "hello" with a smile like she recognized me, too but I didn't stop to chat. It sounds odd but seeing her kind of sealed the deal for us. We have looked at a few different agencies, but I can't ignore the fact that I keep hearing about this agency. As a matter of fact, I'm seeing a friend of a friend next week to talk about the same agency. That makes 2 acquaintances and 1 stranger who have walked into my life with lots of positive things to say about their experiences at said agency. How can I ignore that? It's like the universe is screaming at me. More than that, whenever I get overwhelmed or if I begin to think it's not possible, something or someone is there to give me the proverbial "little push". Usually towards "that agency".

I feel like the decision is being made for me :)

A Fair to remember....

If you know me, you know I don't like to venture out on a work night. Dinner out-fine, hanging out with friends-ok but meetings or classes or anything that requires me to use my brain is usually off limits. I like to unwind after dinner and get to bed before 10. (The alarm goes off at 5:30 and T-fire starts shortly after. I need to get enough sleep so I can kickbox those calories away.)

However, last Monday night, I was actually looking forward to leaving the house to attend an adoption fair held by a local adoption support organization. There were lots of agencies in attendance representing every type of adoption from domestic infant to foster to international along with a few lawyers,adoptive parents and social workers. H and I got quite the education. We basically learned that we have a LOT to learn. We spoke to 5 different agencies and crossed 2 off of our list right away. We are still investigating the other 3...I plan to ask for references good and bad and I also joined the support organization. We made some great connections...with agency staff and with members of the support organization. I'm looking forward to attnding some of their seminars and speaking with others in similar situations.

H is starting to understand the process a bit better - he definitely knows that he likes the agencies where you don't have to pay for everything up front. It's a bit overwhelming because unlike fertility clinics, all adoption agencies do not charge the same way. Some want you to pay up front and you lose your money if the birth mother backs out. Some don't penalize you if the birth mother changes her mind but you might have a longer wait or they might charge more overall. Like IVF, it's more gambling but with better odds. You have to decide how much risk you are going to take and how broad you want your requirements to be.

Keep in mind that we are just beginning the process so I apologize if this sounds too simplistic. And if I touched on everything, you would get confused and I'd probably lose you because the material is kind of dry. There are just so many decisions to make and there is so much work to be done. I was hoping for a little break in making life altering decisions that I have to wrestle with for days and reach deep into my heart to find the answers to but I guess that's life.

All in all, I am so thankful we attended and so grateful to my friend N for letting me know. I wanted to pay it forward and help one of my friends so I told her. H & I had fun hanging out with them and laughing about our IVF escapades. I think that made H feel better too, knowing that there are real people out there who are struggling with the same stuff that we are. It can be very isolating.

So, to recap....we are going to take the next month or so to ask some more questions of the agencies we are interested in and hopefully, we will make a decision after the holidays. We are hoping to sign with an agency very early next year. In the meantime, the planner in me has started writing a bio for our adoption profile.

Always trying to be one step ahead.....

Just what the Dr. ordered

For once, it seems like I am on the right track with where this runaway train is headed. I've cycled with my own eggs 7 times and once with donor sperm. I've toyed with the idea of using donor eggs and I've convinced myself that I was pregnant from good old fashioned sex so many times in the past 6 years. Clearly, medical intervention is not working for us.

I was not expecting much going into this WTF. I expected to get AMA speech and for the RE to criticize my old eggs. I thought he would push for us to do a DE cycle so he could get more of our money. He actually told us that he had no advice for us. He only gave us a 40% shot with DE and he told us that adoption was more like 99%. He really seemed to be pushing us towards adoption. He mentioned it more than once...at one point, he even said that he would work with us no matter what but that I have already had my fair share of cycles and various outcomes and that stopping now would not be anything less than noble. His attitude may have bothered me if I wasn't dead set against any more treatments.

I mean, my body has had it and I am so tired of riding the roller coaster of hope. In the past month alone, I have seen 2 (online) acquaintances have 2nd tri miscarriages (one of them was DE)and another who was just diagnosed with colon cancer. Yet another died of a brain tumor right around her triplets 1st birthday. Between the remicade and all the hormones I've taken, cancer is a very real possibility for me. This is where I look at the big picture and cut my losses. I know you have already listened to me give my reasons for giving up on getting pregnant so I'll stop here.

I was in the right place at the right time...adoption has been on my mind and H's...we are on the same page...the same paragraph right now and that is pretty rare when it comes to building our family. The RE basically admitted he doesn't know what to do with me or how to tell me to proceed. There's my final sign. I'm closing the books on ART. It did not help me...I may be worse off....lost babies are worse than no babies for me and cancer is a very legit thing for me to be scared of.

A very good friend sent me a flyer about an adoption fair next week (thanks, N!)and H and I are planning on going. With friends like N and all the other family and friends who are going out of their way to help me and my husband with the adoption process, I feel like we just can't lose. And that is just what the Dr. ordered.... for me, for H, for our relationship and for our future.