It has taken me a while to craft this post. I struggled to find the right words. I wanted my readers to understand that my decision was not a spur of the moment kind of thing...although it may seem that way.
I guess the best way for me to start out is by saying that I don't think I have been true to myself and that I have ignored what my heart and God (or the universe, whatever you believe)has been trying to tell me. I'm going to take you back a few years to explain some of it so bear with me.
A month or so after my 1st miscarriage, H and I went out to dinner with his godmother. She had lost her husband a year earlier and she was still struggling. We spent a lot of time with her after she lost her husband. She never had any children and H was the closest thing she had to a child. She was infertile and I think that's why her and I got so close. We switched restaurants at the last minute and ended up at a restaurant by the lake that we had been wanting to get to. There is something about the water for me...it is so peaceful and soothing.
I was looking forward to a relaxing evening with good conversation and good food. Gazing at the lake after the tough times we had been through was just what I needed. Well, they seated us next to a couple around our age with a little girl. At this point, it was hard for us to be around kids and we felt like our dinner was going to be ruined. Well, the baby was so precious and kept waving and smiling and playing peek-a-boo and we had some nice chatter with her parents and grandparents. The baby's mother told us how she was so animated and friendly ever since she had been born and how the moment she saw her in the delivery room she fell in love. As they were about to leave, the mother told us that it was nice having dinner with us and H's godmom wished them lots of happiness with their baby girl. She told her how beautiful the baby was and that she looked just like her. The mom looked at me and said that the baby was actually adopted. She said that she never tells people that because sometimes she forgets and because it's no one's business....but for some reason, she felt compelled to share that with me. Since she was so candid, I mentioned that we were having trouble and that we might be going down that road some day. She gave us the name of her agency and she couldn't say enough great things about them. I have never forgotten that name. I actually looked up the website the next day and got scared off by the price. H was nowhere near even considering adoption at that point (back in 2008)and I knew he would never want to part with that kind of money. He had me convinced that we could not give a child the kind of life he or she deserved if we had to start out in debt from adoption costs. I dropped my investigation into adoption and focused on IVF while we still had insurance coverage.
I became addicted to hope. One IVF after another.....one clinic after another and still no baby. I was convinced that because I had miscarriages that it was my sign that I should just keep trying....I was so close, after all. After the insurance ran out, I was still convinced that it had to work so we kept going....you know my story...you've seen my stats. If there was a God in heaven, surely He would not give me what I wanted most and take it away so violently? I had hoped not.
But that chance meeting with the lady and her baby was always in the back of my mind. I swore up and down...to friends, to family and in several post on this very blog that I could not see us adopting. I just didn't know how I could manage the paperwork and the waiting and all the little annoyances that are bound to pop up when you are dealing with lawyers and red tape.
If you hadn't guessed it yet, I'm about to tell you how all that changed...how I changed and how I finally feel a sense of peace about my struggles, my losses and just about everything that happened the past few years. My H and I have decided to adopt. We are in the early stages of research but we are both really excited to become parents. We feel that this is the best way for us to build our family and we know that there is a baby out there waiting for us.
In my next post, I'll talk more about how and why we came to be on the same page after so many years of fertility treatments. It really is amazing to me what we can accomplish when we listen to our hearts and pay attention to the signs around us.
I have moved
10 months ago