Monday, October 24, 2011

Food for thought

In my last post I promised an account of the steps that lead to our decision...I really do keep meaning to post but it's been difficult for me to try and share all that has gone on in the past few weeks without losing you. I'm going to try and break things down without boring you. I'll start by sharing my thought process before I get into the signs that keep appearing.

Adoption had always been something I had thought about, but more in terms of an option for a sibling for our biological child. I found it so overwhelming,though. Not the part about parenting a child that was not my bio child-that was never a question. I'm talking the paperwork and the waiting and the financial strains.

I also felt like I had a job to finish. Since I had been pg a few times I felt like I was meant to keep going until I had the chance to give birth. And I'll be honest....when I was sitting in front of some of the best REs in the country and they would tell me that they were pretty confident that they could get me pg, I believed them. I also felt a bit betrayed by God and, you've heard me say this before: I found it really hard to believe that He would let me have so many miscarriages and never let me experience child birth. You don't just get over that overnight. DE seemed like the next natural step since we were more familiar with the process and even the terminology. I had H convinced that we should head in that direction.

This last cycle was really tough on me physically. I'm still trying to overcome the fatigue and weight gain. I have this feeling that I'm not supposed to get pg to be a Mom. Going through a pregnancy is tough on any woman but a 40+ year old with Crohn's is considered especially high risk. Maybe I wouldn't be able to care for my baby as well if I had to go through 9 months + labor and delivery. I'd rather be a mother than be pregnant....and I want to be the healthiest I can be so I can give my baby all the best that I have to offer. I had my heart set on feeling baby kicks and breastfeeding and that is still hard to let go of but I feel like I have a new focus. I always said I didn't want to be pg at 40 (my parents were 40 when I graduated high school!)and I'm there. My body is tired. I'm sick of gaining weight(it's fine if there is a baby but it's not fun to look pg when you are not). I hate not being able to exercise- my mind and body need it on a daily basis and I want my healthy body back.

A part of me can't believe I did IVF so many times or that I spent so much money and time but I needed to take this journey and have it end where it ended. I think my head and my heart are finally in the right place at the right time. Everyone always says you will know when it's time to stop...when you have hit your limit and I feel like I have. H and I are both ready to get on with our life and we want that life to include a child. Convincing him to adopt was something I was going to need to work I thought. But more about that in the next post where we'll get down to specifics.

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