Actually, I have. But as a former Virginia Slims smoker (yes, that's probably why my eggs are in such bad shape, I've already beat myself up over that several times) I am taking this op to use the tag line from their old ad campaign to brag about how proud I am of myself.
I found myself in a situation a few nights ago that would have upset me if it had happened earlier in my journey. I was at a party and found out that an acquaintance was pg. It really didn't bother me and I'm kind of surprised it didn't. Classic "annoying to an IFer" story: KU by accident....had no idea,etc. but when I found out, I didn't blink. I think I just get it now. One person's life has NOTHING to do with mine. People will get pg. I may never or I might next week. (Please God!) People may wish they had an amazing hubby like mine or that their house is as clean as mine or that they have no gray hair like me (thas right bitches!) but if they focus on me and my stuff what does that say about them? I don't want to be that person that looks at everyone else and lives a life of longing. I never was like that before IF and I know I can't be like that now. Sometimes, it easier said than done but I'm a work in progress.
A year ago, I wouldn't have handled the situation so well but I have a different perspective now. I'm ok with where I am and the fact that our lives may never change. That it might be just the 2 of us growing old together. We'll just have lots of toys and cars and maybe even a beach house but no one to share our stuff with. I'd rather be painting a nursery and saving for college tuition but I may just have to be satisfied with the pretty great life I have.
Don't get me wrong. I want this cycle to work out so much and I want to be pregnant again. This time I would like a healthy baby at the end of 9 months. I am so much better with letting things take their natural course,though. If we need to move onto DE, so be it but there is no guarantee that will work either. Also, I am having a problem finding donors who fit my health and uh,looks profile. (No judgement please. I mean, if my good looks are going to go to waste, I am going to need to replace them with someone even better looking. LOL!)
A few days ago, I posted about being numb. I think I changed my mind about that diagnosis. Could I have possibly reached the final stage of grief....acceptance?
I have moved
1 week ago