Sunday, August 14, 2011

I may be going numb.....

Lots of things used to bother me about not being able to have a baby. Bother might be understating it just a bit....I guess you could say that I was pretty disturbed. Like when I would hear a pregnancy announcement every other day or when I had to spend $ on a gift for someone else's baby shower or when some idiot would post one of those bullshit posts on FB that say something like "Only a mother can feel....blah,blah,blah....repost if you are a mother and would die for your kids!" You know the posts I'm talking about. They usually pop up around Mother's Day but I have seen them all year round. It's what makes all of the infertiles "hide" and "defriend" people and block their asses so we never have to see the bad prose ever again.

I was hurt and sad and angry when BIL's wife announced she was pg last August at my house when everyone was visiting from out of town. (At 5 weeks....I think that's called a missed period,BTW.) My ILs insensitive comments about us needing to get on with our lives and forget about children didn't help the situation....nor did it help when the baby was born and my MIL sent out an email to everyone she knows(including us)that said " We are sooooooo happy and sooooooo excited to finally be grandparents". (Did I mention that no one knew about our infertility or IVF cycles until she told them all against our wishes?)I never thought I would be able to handle seeing the baby, or seeing my ILs with the baby or even seeing pictures of H's brother with his wife and baby. I never thought I could handle my ILs non stop baby talk or my MIL saying that she likes it at H's brother's house because she gets to share the bathroom with the baby (Ummm, he's like 2 months old and I'm pretty sure he is not using the toilet just yet.)

Okay, I'll admit that this all sounds very bitter but that's not where I'm going with this post. My point is that I think I have become desensitized to all this stuff. Pregnancy announcements are not really bothering me these days. I can actually be in a room with a pregnant woman now without breaking out in hives. (Babies never were a problem for me. Neither were my infertile friends pregnancies. I could always find joy in my heart for those ladies who know what it is to struggle with reproduction.)Sure the crap my ILs say can bother me at times but I get over it pretty quick.

I'm not sure what it all means. Am I finally letting go? Is my spirit broken? Everyone tells me I have a great life, even without children. Am I finally starting to see that and accept that it might never happen? I still want a child more than anything but it seems so far away impossible at my age. Sure I try to think positive and all that but I feel like I have become so nonchalant about having my own child now. Is that the right attitude to have going into IVF #7? On the one hand, it seems like I can handle things so much better but on the other hand....I still long to be pregnant and hold and kiss and cuddle my very own baby. Maybe I am just finally recognizing that I need to live the life I have instead of the life I want....the life that everyone around me seems to be living. I know I'll be ok....and I like that feeling.

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