Another childless Christmas....

I'm not sure how many more of these I can take. It gets harder and harder to pass any kind of milestone but Christmas....Christmas is for children. Toy commercials every other minute, pretty little Christmas dresses and handsome miniature Christmas suits jumping out at you in every store. Songs about Santa and Rudolph and Frosty. I know...."Jesus is the reason for the season" but the advertisers sure know how to make an infertile feel extra sad about not being a parent. Not to mention all the little kids at church who are asleep on the parent's shoulder or crawling under the pew to say hello or the ones being dragged from store to store in search of the perfect gift. All of this serves as a reminder of what's missing and it makes for a sad time of year. Sure, I have moments of joy. I just know that there is a way for my heart to be bursting with joy every minute...wanna guess what that is?

It's no secret that I have lost my way. My faith has been shattered, my beliefs shaken to the core. I haven't been to church (except on Christmas simply because of family obligations)since my miscarriage. I am still angry with God. I try to beilieve but I'm so confused. I was at church on Christmas Eve with my husband and my family. We were at my Grandma's church....a church I had been to so many times as a child. She was so happy to have her whole family together and I let my heart open up a bit. I did ask God for a sign at mass. A sign that everything would work out and that we would have our miracle...a healthy baby. I told Him I needed it to restore my faith.

I didn't get a sign at that moment....not even that night. H & I did see something on Christmas that immediately brought tears to my eyes, though.

Check this out!

That's a full rainbow. Neither of us had ever seen a rainbow like that before. We saw where it began and where it ended. It may be kind of corny but my heart wants to believe that this was God's way of telling me that we will be parents...that there is an end in sight. It's like when Noah saw the rainbow and he knew there would never be another flood. For now, it is comforting me.

I know I usually don't get too religious, but I felt it was important to explain. Thanks for reading.

Truly WTF

My RE blew me off. We had a WTF phone consult scheduled for 3pm. H even left work early so he could be home. We got a call at 3:15 from Dr. D's Assistant saying he was running late. And we waited...and waited...and waited. H started snoring around 4:20 but I was still hopeful....sometimes Dr. D calls later in the evening...sometimes on a Saturday. I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt but I'm still waitin' for that phone call. I am not the type of girl who would ever sit by the phone but that's just what I did. Just another blow to my faith.

So, I'm beyond pissed right now. I'm having H call to reschedule because I will flip my shit. I know he is going to tell us to move on to DE. I just need to hear it and move on...with life, not necessarily treatments. I would like to hear what our options are, though. Maybe this is a sign that I should just stop everything and not even look into other options....we are probably not meant to be parents. But for now, I can only speculate and obsess.

Still seeing spots...

in my underwear. Well, in my pantyliners. I should seriously buy stock in some maxi company ...I could get rich... or at least some nice dividends considering the amount of product I am using. Day 13 and the bleeding has still not completely stopped. WTF?

Speaking of WTF...mine is the 8th. H arranged a conference call with Dr. D. I just can't drive to the city again for such an unhappy occasion. I hope I can get all my questions answered and that I can get some kind of closure. Although, if I have learned anything from this nasty infertility business, it's that the answers don't come easy and your heart doesn't care if there is an easy answer it does not want to hear.

Stay tuned for the update......

Just when I thought I was done seeing red...

...I start bleeding again! I have never had this kind of confusion with my cycle before. I'm starting to get really frustrated. I stopped bleeding yesterday afternoon (after 10 days of non stop blood loss)but now...it's back. Salt. in. wounds.

I'm still so confused and angry and I feel like I'm drowning. My mind is just all over the place. One minute I think we should try again,the next minute I think we should do DE or embryo adoption. I am not sharing any of this with my husband, since he is not interested in moving forward with anything but living child free. He has simply hit the wall. We are moving further and further apart and that adds to my sadness. We have been close through everything so far but right now we don't know how to comfort each other or to find meaning in our life together. I just hope that in time we will be able to fix this.