Trading in my Coach bag for a cath bag

The glamour just doesn't end for me.

When I woke up Fri. morning they made sure I was really doped up and they wanted to get me moving so I didn't stiffen up from the surgery. I began my day walking the halls at "the hospital". Me and my bloody bag of urine. I was getting funny looks from people but I felt pretty defiant thanks to my most recent dose of percocet. I have already been through my share of medical mishaps and a heartbreaking diagnosis or two and my attitude was: "if they can't handle it, they can look away". H always says that people who have to deal with tragedy are humbled and most people have not. Let them see how lucky they are.

My Dr. found me in the atrium enjoying the view of the grounds. He came to see me before heading to the office which I thought was great. He was impressed that I was up and moving around and oh so apologetic. "You stumped me" was the 1st thing he uttered after he asked how I was feeling. (I've heard that loads of times before,BTW.)His best guess was that my bladder got bruised when the nurse put the catheter in and I tend to agree. I was pretty swollen down there and I've never had a catheter before (something else to cross off my bucket list?)but I know there MUST be smaller ones. So, the testing began.

I headed downstairs for an ultrasound of my abdomen. The u/s showed a hematoma. The next test would require an empty colon so I had to head downstairs a 2nd time for an xray to see how full of feces I was. (Are you jealous of the glamour yet?) Test 2 was cancelled before I even learned what it was called (Um, I had eaten a little dinner the night before and a little breakfast,too) so my apologies for not having that info. The next idea was to do a CT scan of my bladder with contrast dye but that meant I needed to be moved. You see, when you go to a place that caters to healthy pg women and treats infertiles as an afterthought, they don't have the proper machines to treat any type of complication.

They called an ambulance to take me to the closest hospital (make that inner city hospital...they treat all kinds of stuff like gunshot wounds so they had the tools I needed,too.) Shout out to my homegirls "A" and "K" for making my field trip a memorable one and giving me the idea to think of my cath bag like a little purse. They stayed with me so I didn't have to wait for a "bus" back. They got in trouble with their Supervisor but they didn't want to leave me there with nothing but a hospital gown and a cath bag... I didn't even have underpants! I think they were worried about the nice lady being trapped at the ghetto hospital. BTW, Bus is paramedic talk for "ambulance". (I am so down with all kinds of new medical lingo thanks to my girls.)

The CT scan showed no perforations or any major trauma to my bladder so I headed back to "babyland" where they wanted to remove the catheter and see if I could pee on my own. I said goodbye to my new BFFs and added 2 more people to my list of those praying for me to become a Mom.

This is where the story gets weird. While I was gone, they gave me a roommate. Well, 2 roommates..... It's bad enough that they gave me a new mother and her 3 day old baby but this chic brought an entourage that included her baby daddy and her parents. This room has 4 hospital beds and 3 were full so you can imagine how crowded it was. Apparently, she had really high blood pressure and needed to be monitored. I know this because she didn't shut up from the time I was wheeled in on my stretcher until I left.

I listened to her and her family gush over the baby girl and saw them intermittently peek through my curtains for about an hour when my nurse showed up to remove the cath. I was about ready to hang myself by my cath cord so her timing may have saved my life. I started to pull my hospital gown up when I noticed a set of eyes looking through the curtain. The nurse saw too and she did not miss a beat. She covered me with the blanket and flung the curtains open. Bless her heart...she kicked them out! She told them we needed privacy and they could come back when she was done. They grumbled a little but left while my nurse worked on me. The baby daddy did pop back in just as she was finishing because he got in trouble for being in the hallway with a newborn by another nurse so I had to listen to a bunch of passive aggressive comments for the next hour while I tried to focus on peeing (and passing gas)so I could leave. That's when H showed up. I did my best to fart really loud and scare them off (if you know me IRL you know I am a total lady and I would die if anyone ever heard me fart but I was high on percocet and H was egging me on because he was so mad about their comments.)It must have worked. The trashy family finally left and I peed. (Yay me!) The last thing I heard as I was running out the door was the woman arguing that her baby and the baby daddy should be able to stay overnight with her.

I felt so relieved that my bladder could work on it's own and that I got out of that place in the nick of time. If I knew then what I know now, I would have stayed and put up with whatever that whiny voice would say for the rest of the night. My story ain't over yet, people. It's time for another break but check back with me....I have lots more to share.