A game changer calls for a name change

When I first started down the IVF path nearly 5 years ago, I was convinced I would be successful. I assumed it would be the 1st time but after that loss, I told myself that I would just keep going. I could get pregnant so I knew my body was capable. However, staying pregnant is something I just can't seem to do.

For a while, I fooled myself into thinking that donor egg was the way to go. We could come up with the money...and we could finance whatever was left. But there are no guarantees with donor egg. Not as many as with adoption.

This is nothing new...you knew this day was coming. You've been with me through the cycles and the struggles and the confusion about what to do next. And for the past few months, my sporadic posts have given you an idea about what's in store for us.

This is a whole new ballgame and we are so excited for the 1st pitch. I want to thank each and every one of you for the support and friendship over the past few years. I hope you'll continue to follow our story and stick with us as we pursue parenthood. I'll keep this blog open so people going through IVF can still benefit from my experiences. I'll even answer questions if I can. However, from now on, you will likely find me at my new home.

I have to say that I have an amazing group of friends that I never would have met if not for our struggles with infertility. These friends are supporting me and helping guide me in the adoption process and they have become very important to me. If there is a silver lining to any of this, it's that I have made some life long friends with whom I share a heartbreaking bond. I look forward to the day that they can be with me to celebrate H and I becoming parents.(They know who they are. ) For they are as much a part of this step as everything else and I know they want to see it happen almost as much as we do.

I've also gotten even closer to my family if that's possible...their support has never wavered.

To all my readers still in the battle: It is my sincere hope that you all get to hold your babies very soon. No matter how they come to you...I wish you peace, comfort and many blessings.

Love,
Ginger

Bye bye 2011...

I don't hate you. You gave me so much. You taught me lessons about myself and others and you gave me a whole new outlook on life. For the 1st time in a long time, I do not say goodbye to the year with a sense of relief and expectation for the next year to be better. It's not about getting better. It's about how I deal with what happens.

I learned to be grateful for all of it...not just the good stuff but the bad stuff,too. It's true what they say about good things coming out of the bad things...maybe not how we want it to but even a tough lesson can be a positive.

I started focusing on other people instead of my problems. I re-learned that a little kindness goes a long way. Treat others with kindness and you WILL get it back 10 fold. Maybe not from the same people but it's there. Life seems so much easier even though it is probably getting more complicated. Somehow I feel like it will all work out, though. I think they call that faith and it's something I lost for a long time. I feel more like myself than I have in years and I am sure the people around me have noticed it,too.

I look forward to 2012 in a new way. I welcome the challenges along with the joy. I am hoping that 2012 will bring us our baby or at least get us close to being parents. I look forward to working on my relationships...all of them and to continue being as kind and nurturing as possible. I also plan on having a little fun!

Wishing you all a very happy new year. May you be blessed with happiness, good health and prosperity beyond your wildest dreams.

xoxo

Ginger

Jumping through the window

You know how the saying goes....When God closes a door he opens a window. The door has definitely closed on us having a biological child. The past month or so H and I have taken a step back and we have happily come to the conclusion that adoption really is the best path for us.

We have spent the last 6 weeks or so doing some research on agencies. We've called, we've checked references, we've even met with couples from the 2 agencies we are interested in. This was all going on while I was trying to get my Christmas baking, pirogi making, gift shopping and card sending done. It's no excuse but I do apologize for not keeping you better informed.

I also wanted to wait until I had some news to share :) We have chosen an agency and we are looking to register by the end of January! We have started making lists of our finances and old addresses and I have ordered the multiple copies of my birth cert.that the agency needs from across the country. It's going to be a lot of work but so worth it.

We are both proud and excited to be building our family through domestic infant adoption. I will probably be starting a new blog....perhaps you will join me. Don't worry-when I move I'll leave you my forwarding address.

A sign of the times

I went shopping last Saturday. I figured it was my last weekend to beat the crowds. I am a really savvy shopper-it's like a sport to me but I don't enjoy the manic feel of shopping during the Christmas season. (with the exception of Black Friday-the deals are too,too tempting!)I ended up at the Benefit counter at Macy's. I wanted to buy a bottle of "Maybe Baby". Yep, it's a perfume. Yep, I am aware of the irony but I just love the scent. I had a sample last year and I kept meaning to buy some but I never made it to the counter..... until Saturday.

I was anxious to get on with my shopping trip-I wanted a new outfit for Thanksgiving but another customer was being helped around the corner. She seemed to be buying the entire line and I am not rude enough to interrupt so I decided to come back later. Before I had the chance to walk away, the customer started speaking and I recognized the voice so I peeked around the corner and saw a familiar face. You probably won't believe me when I tell you but it was a lady from the adoption fair we went to the week before. Not only that, but she works for the agency that has been presenting itself to me for the last few years. She looked at me and said "hello" with a smile like she recognized me, too but I didn't stop to chat. It sounds odd but seeing her kind of sealed the deal for us. We have looked at a few different agencies, but I can't ignore the fact that I keep hearing about this agency. As a matter of fact, I'm seeing a friend of a friend next week to talk about the same agency. That makes 2 acquaintances and 1 stranger who have walked into my life with lots of positive things to say about their experiences at said agency. How can I ignore that? It's like the universe is screaming at me. More than that, whenever I get overwhelmed or if I begin to think it's not possible, something or someone is there to give me the proverbial "little push". Usually towards "that agency".

I feel like the decision is being made for me :)

A Fair to remember....

If you know me, you know I don't like to venture out on a work night. Dinner out-fine, hanging out with friends-ok but meetings or classes or anything that requires me to use my brain is usually off limits. I like to unwind after dinner and get to bed before 10. (The alarm goes off at 5:30 and T-fire starts shortly after. I need to get enough sleep so I can kickbox those calories away.)

However, last Monday night, I was actually looking forward to leaving the house to attend an adoption fair held by a local adoption support organization. There were lots of agencies in attendance representing every type of adoption from domestic infant to foster to international along with a few lawyers,adoptive parents and social workers. H and I got quite the education. We basically learned that we have a LOT to learn. We spoke to 5 different agencies and crossed 2 off of our list right away. We are still investigating the other 3...I plan to ask for references good and bad and I also joined the support organization. We made some great connections...with agency staff and with members of the support organization. I'm looking forward to attnding some of their seminars and speaking with others in similar situations.

H is starting to understand the process a bit better - he definitely knows that he likes the agencies where you don't have to pay for everything up front. It's a bit overwhelming because unlike fertility clinics, all adoption agencies do not charge the same way. Some want you to pay up front and you lose your money if the birth mother backs out. Some don't penalize you if the birth mother changes her mind but you might have a longer wait or they might charge more overall. Like IVF, it's more gambling but with better odds. You have to decide how much risk you are going to take and how broad you want your requirements to be.

Keep in mind that we are just beginning the process so I apologize if this sounds too simplistic. And if I touched on everything, you would get confused and I'd probably lose you because the material is kind of dry. There are just so many decisions to make and there is so much work to be done. I was hoping for a little break in making life altering decisions that I have to wrestle with for days and reach deep into my heart to find the answers to but I guess that's life.

All in all, I am so thankful we attended and so grateful to my friend N for letting me know. I wanted to pay it forward and help one of my friends so I told her. H & I had fun hanging out with them and laughing about our IVF escapades. I think that made H feel better too, knowing that there are real people out there who are struggling with the same stuff that we are. It can be very isolating.

So, to recap....we are going to take the next month or so to ask some more questions of the agencies we are interested in and hopefully, we will make a decision after the holidays. We are hoping to sign with an agency very early next year. In the meantime, the planner in me has started writing a bio for our adoption profile.

Always trying to be one step ahead.....

Just what the Dr. ordered

For once, it seems like I am on the right track with where this runaway train is headed. I've cycled with my own eggs 7 times and once with donor sperm. I've toyed with the idea of using donor eggs and I've convinced myself that I was pregnant from good old fashioned sex so many times in the past 6 years. Clearly, medical intervention is not working for us.

I was not expecting much going into this WTF. I expected to get AMA speech and for the RE to criticize my old eggs. I thought he would push for us to do a DE cycle so he could get more of our money. He actually told us that he had no advice for us. He only gave us a 40% shot with DE and he told us that adoption was more like 99%. He really seemed to be pushing us towards adoption. He mentioned it more than once...at one point, he even said that he would work with us no matter what but that I have already had my fair share of cycles and various outcomes and that stopping now would not be anything less than noble. His attitude may have bothered me if I wasn't dead set against any more treatments.

I mean, my body has had it and I am so tired of riding the roller coaster of hope. In the past month alone, I have seen 2 (online) acquaintances have 2nd tri miscarriages (one of them was DE)and another who was just diagnosed with colon cancer. Yet another died of a brain tumor right around her triplets 1st birthday. Between the remicade and all the hormones I've taken, cancer is a very real possibility for me. This is where I look at the big picture and cut my losses. I know you have already listened to me give my reasons for giving up on getting pregnant so I'll stop here.

I was in the right place at the right time...adoption has been on my mind and H's...we are on the same page...the same paragraph right now and that is pretty rare when it comes to building our family. The RE basically admitted he doesn't know what to do with me or how to tell me to proceed. There's my final sign. I'm closing the books on ART. It did not help me...I may be worse off....lost babies are worse than no babies for me and cancer is a very legit thing for me to be scared of.

A very good friend sent me a flyer about an adoption fair next week (thanks, N!)and H and I are planning on going. With friends like N and all the other family and friends who are going out of their way to help me and my husband with the adoption process, I feel like we just can't lose. And that is just what the Dr. ordered.... for me, for H, for our relationship and for our future.

Sign me up

I'm always looking for confirmation that I'm doing the right thing. I know that there are no guarantees in life but the kinds of decisions I have had to make in the past 15 years or so have been big, life changing types of decisions and I like to know that I am on the right path. I know I've posted about signs before but the things that have happened to me the past few weeks are like nothing I have ever felt... my head and my heart are in tune and this make me...makes us (H is even a believer) think that it's still possible for us to become parents...through adoption. As promised, here's the scoop:

The night before my appt. for my baseline blood work and u/s for IVF #7, I attended a "Girls Night In" event that one of my friends holds on a monthly basis. After attending for about a year, I thought I had met just about everyone on the monthly guest list but there was woman there who I hadn't met yet and she had recently brought her little boy home after waiting for nearly 2 years. She happened to use the very same adoption agency that the couple in the restaurant used all those years ago. She was very open about the process and made me feel so comfortable about pursuing adoption. After talking with her in depth, it really seemed like adoption might actually be affordable and not as daunting as I had originally thought. I still didn't mention anything to H but I was certainly mulling it over. She has offered to help me and we are going to meet next week to talk specifics.

~CYCLE #7 happens~ AKA my last shot

Two days after my negative pregnancy test, H came home from work and told me about a guy at work that approached him. He overheard H talking to me on the phone and he knows we have been trying for the past 6 years or so. He did not want to pry but he told H that he and his wife couldn't have kids and that they adopted. He told H that it is not as expensive or as difficult to navigate as people think. He offered to talk to H about it if and when he was ready. H came home that day and told me that we can adopt. H is struggling a little bit with how to parent an adopted child and how to discuss that particular path to parenthood with our future child. After a few beers at lunch one day with the guy from his office, he's starting to get quite comfortable with the idea. H was never really in love with the idea of adoption....mostly because of the money and bureaucracy so for him to agree to adopting was huge.

The very next day, my sis emailed me. She had no idea if I was interested in what she had to say or not but she said she loved me and she didn't want to see me give up. She told me about her friend from high school (who had just found her on FB.) It seems as though this girl had just signed with an adoption agency (nope,not the same one) and she was willing to help me and answer any questions I might have. People seemed to be coming out of the woodwork to guide us along this journey.

While shopping with my other sis, I decided to share the news about this next chapter of our lives. We happened to be talking about the woman I met at GNI and how she used the same adoption agency as the woman from the restaurant. A few minutes later I was shocked to see her in the front of one of the stores at the mall. I had no idea she worked there....apparently it's only like once a month. What are the odds? My sis and I were planning on shopping at another mall but changed our minds at the last minute. I got chills and knew it had to be some kind of sign. My sister said that it was basically God hitting me upside the head and that I need to pay attention and take action. I've had signs before...all throughout my IVF years but this feels different. It feels like doors and windows are opening up everywhere I look and I know it won't be easy..... but it feels like it will be.

Since then, every time I have any kind of doubt...about the expense or about the baby being taken back by his or her birth mother (you name it, I've freaked about it)something happens to calm my fears. Once, it was the movie "Like Dandelion Dust" showing on my (occasional)Friday night LMN movie night. If you haven't seen it, it's about a birth mother who starts the process of taking her child back from his adoptive parents.

*******SPOILER ALERT*******

In the end, the birth mother realizes that the child is better off with his adoptive parents.

Another day, I was worrying about bonding with my adopted child and the host of the talk radio show I listen to on the way home had a lot to say about adoption and the relationship he has with his adoptive parents. He started talking about it the week that apple guy died (since he was adopted) and he talked IN DEPTH about how his bio parents are just how he got here and how his adoptive parents are his Mom and Dad. From the moment I pulled out of my parking lot at work to the moment I pulled into my driveway-not a minute more or less, I listened to him talk about his experience as an adopted child. It brought me to tears.

The same night, I was watching Private Practice and there was a storyline about a young woman who had no uterus. They tried a transplant with her um, grandmother's uterus. (My ute is fine, thanks and I know this is odd.... but it's tv)What spoke to me was the speech that her RE gave her when the ute transplant failed. Picture the very handsome, Benjamin Bratt with tears in his eyes while you read on: "We knew it was a long shot but we tried. Your mother knew it wasn't giving birth to you that defined her. It was the 1st time you looked into her eyes and smiled,the 1st time you fell asleep on her shoulder and she barley let herself breathe because she never wanted that moment to end. You will have your baby however she comes into the world and you will love her incredibly well because your mom taught you that that's all that matters." DISCLAIMER: *Those are not my words.....those are words I copied from Private Practice after rewinding the DVR 5 or 6 times to get it just right*

Love IS all that matters. I know there is a child out there that needs us...that needs our love and attention just as much as we need him or her.

Now, we have a long way to go. We have only just begun doing our research and we are still learning...but it feels like we are moving toward something real. For the 1st time, we can actually see ourselves as parents and we are so excited.

Thanks for listening.

Food for thought

In my last post I promised an account of the steps that lead to our decision...I really do keep meaning to post but it's been difficult for me to try and share all that has gone on in the past few weeks without losing you. I'm going to try and break things down without boring you. I'll start by sharing my thought process before I get into the signs that keep appearing.

Adoption had always been something I had thought about, but more in terms of an option for a sibling for our biological child. I found it so overwhelming,though. Not the part about parenting a child that was not my bio child-that was never a question. I'm talking the paperwork and the waiting and the financial strains.

I also felt like I had a job to finish. Since I had been pg a few times I felt like I was meant to keep going until I had the chance to give birth. And I'll be honest....when I was sitting in front of some of the best REs in the country and they would tell me that they were pretty confident that they could get me pg, I believed them. I also felt a bit betrayed by God and, you've heard me say this before: I found it really hard to believe that He would let me have so many miscarriages and never let me experience child birth. You don't just get over that overnight. DE seemed like the next natural step since we were more familiar with the process and even the terminology. I had H convinced that we should head in that direction.

This last cycle was really tough on me physically. I'm still trying to overcome the fatigue and weight gain. I have this feeling that I'm not supposed to get pg to be a Mom. Going through a pregnancy is tough on any woman but a 40+ year old with Crohn's is considered especially high risk. Maybe I wouldn't be able to care for my baby as well if I had to go through 9 months + labor and delivery. I'd rather be a mother than be pregnant....and I want to be the healthiest I can be so I can give my baby all the best that I have to offer. I had my heart set on feeling baby kicks and breastfeeding and that is still hard to let go of but I feel like I have a new focus. I always said I didn't want to be pg at 40 (my parents were 40 when I graduated high school!)and I'm there. My body is tired. I'm sick of gaining weight(it's fine if there is a baby but it's not fun to look pg when you are not). I hate not being able to exercise- my mind and body need it on a daily basis and I want my healthy body back.

A part of me can't believe I did IVF so many times or that I spent so much money and time but I needed to take this journey and have it end where it ended. I think my head and my heart are finally in the right place at the right time. Everyone always says you will know when it's time to stop...when you have hit your limit and I feel like I have. H and I are both ready to get on with our life and we want that life to include a child. Convincing him to adopt was something I was going to need to work on......so I thought. But more about that in the next post where we'll get down to specifics.

A new beginning

It has taken me a while to craft this post. I struggled to find the right words. I wanted my readers to understand that my decision was not a spur of the moment kind of thing...although it may seem that way.

I guess the best way for me to start out is by saying that I don't think I have been true to myself and that I have ignored what my heart and God (or the universe, whatever you believe)has been trying to tell me. I'm going to take you back a few years to explain some of it so bear with me.

A month or so after my 1st miscarriage, H and I went out to dinner with his godmother. She had lost her husband a year earlier and she was still struggling. We spent a lot of time with her after she lost her husband. She never had any children and H was the closest thing she had to a child. She was infertile and I think that's why her and I got so close. We switched restaurants at the last minute and ended up at a restaurant by the lake that we had been wanting to get to. There is something about the water for me...it is so peaceful and soothing.

I was looking forward to a relaxing evening with good conversation and good food. Gazing at the lake after the tough times we had been through was just what I needed. Well, they seated us next to a couple around our age with a little girl. At this point, it was hard for us to be around kids and we felt like our dinner was going to be ruined. Well, the baby was so precious and kept waving and smiling and playing peek-a-boo and we had some nice chatter with her parents and grandparents. The baby's mother told us how she was so animated and friendly ever since she had been born and how the moment she saw her in the delivery room she fell in love. As they were about to leave, the mother told us that it was nice having dinner with us and H's godmom wished them lots of happiness with their baby girl. She told her how beautiful the baby was and that she looked just like her. The mom looked at me and said that the baby was actually adopted. She said that she never tells people that because sometimes she forgets and because it's no one's business....but for some reason, she felt compelled to share that with me. Since she was so candid, I mentioned that we were having trouble and that we might be going down that road some day. She gave us the name of her agency and she couldn't say enough great things about them. I have never forgotten that name. I actually looked up the website the next day and got scared off by the price. H was nowhere near even considering adoption at that point (back in 2008)and I knew he would never want to part with that kind of money. He had me convinced that we could not give a child the kind of life he or she deserved if we had to start out in debt from adoption costs. I dropped my investigation into adoption and focused on IVF while we still had insurance coverage.

I became addicted to hope. One IVF after another.....one clinic after another and still no baby. I was convinced that because I had miscarriages that it was my sign that I should just keep trying....I was so close, after all. After the insurance ran out, I was still convinced that it had to work so we kept going....you know my story...you've seen my stats. If there was a God in heaven, surely He would not give me what I wanted most and take it away so violently? I had hoped not.

But that chance meeting with the lady and her baby was always in the back of my mind. I swore up and down...to friends, to family and in several post on this very blog that I could not see us adopting. I just didn't know how I could manage the paperwork and the waiting and all the little annoyances that are bound to pop up when you are dealing with lawyers and red tape.

If you hadn't guessed it yet, I'm about to tell you how all that changed...how I changed and how I finally feel a sense of peace about my struggles, my losses and just about everything that happened the past few years. My H and I have decided to adopt. We are in the early stages of research but we are both really excited to become parents. We feel that this is the best way for us to build our family and we know that there is a baby out there waiting for us.

In my next post, I'll talk more about how and why we came to be on the same page after so many years of fertility treatments. It really is amazing to me what we can accomplish when we listen to our hearts and pay attention to the signs around us.

Why did I bother?

Boy, the clinic is soooooo nice when they want your money. Try and make a WTF and it's a completely different story.

They don't even let you make a follow up appointment on the regular line. They transfer you to some "call center". As if you don't feel excluded enough..you know, not being able to get pregnant on your own, years spent pumping drugs into your body and taking time off from work and having miscarriages. They don't even let you talk to the people you are familiar dealing with.

When we decided to use this clinic, we went straight to the top. We met with the owner and he was pretty honest,all while trying to encourage us to think positive. He kind of pushed DE but he also really encouraged us to look at adoption....and never say never.

We only had a 10% shot of this working and I have definitely reached my limit with IVF using my eggs body,mind and soul. We are really looking for honest answers as far as the probability of DE working and we had our hearts set on wrapping it up with the guy we started with.

He doesn't come to our office anymore. We would have to travel about 3 hours each way if we want to see him. No big deal,right? When you have done 7 IVFs and more than half of them were spent traveling to NYC and back...every day, the last thing you want to do is put more miles on your car for a 15 min. meeting. We decided to meet with the other RE in the practice- neither of us have met him. He just happens to be the guy that had the nurse call H and tell him to get some backup sperm. Awesome.

So, we have to wait until 11/2 to put this to bed. I suppose it's my fault for waiting this long to call them but I simply wasn't ready. Now, I'm just ready for it to be over and move on. More proof that we don't get what we want in the time frame we want it. c'est la vie

In the meantime, H and I are enjoying our favorite time of year...joie de vivre!

Dragging my feet...

Something in me won't let me make that call to the clinic for the cycle recap. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I'm afraid that an upbeat meeting with the RE will get me excited to move on to DE but the more we discuss it, H and I think that may not be our best option. Better odds than with my eggs but 50/50 is not something you want to spend $30K on. I am a sucker for positive talk and will believe anyone if they tell me they think can get me pg,though.

Will someone just tell me to stop being such a wuss and make the call?

A visit with Grams

I went to see my Gram yesterday. Yep. I'm 40 years old and I still have 1 living grandparent. I love to visit my Gram. Time stands still for me there. I feel like a child again. No one can make you feel like a Grandma can. My Gram has a knack for making everyone feel like they are the most special person around...even people she meets for the 1st time. She is very devout and I am in awe of that. I cannot imagine a life built on such unwavering faith. Even after losing my Grandpa, she continues to live a very full and active life.

My Gram's house is the same exact way that it was when I was a little girl. She has the shiniest kitchen linoleum I have ever seen and lots of crochet stuff and starched doilies. Whenever I step foot in her house, I can almost see my child self playing "tea party" with the mini cups and plates or making pictures with the Spirograph. I had hoped someday that my own children would play there. It makes me a little sad but I feel safe when I am there. Every time I see her, my Gram tells me how she prays for us to become parents. She loves my husband and she thinks he is just like my Grandpa. She thinks we are very lucky and she tells us all the time how happy she is that we found each other....."Just like me and Gramp" she'll say. One small difference: we have no children and I might never be a Grandma to anyone. You tend to forget about that part. Sure, it's hard to accept that you might never be a parent but that means you'll never be a grandparent,either. I had a special relationship with both of my Grandmas and it makes me so sad that I may never have the chance to be that special person for someone else.

I know. Just because you are a parent, it doesn't mean you'll be a grandparent. Some of you may not. But you may. The possibility is there. When you are an infetile, it's just another thing you end up mourning. It's a lifetime of mourning all at once.

Genetic failure

We planted some mums last year in front of our house. They were a really pretty,rich orangey-red color. Somehow, they are coming up purple. I hate purple. I certainly don't want it in front of my house because it does not match. I know that your flowers don't have to match your house but I want my flowers to match my house. That's just my taste.

When we went out to buy some new mums, we asked the guy at the greenhouse about our mysteriously changing plant and we got a genetics lesson. He told us that one of 2 things are possible: 1.) We could have had a mum in the offensive purple color planted next to the color we expected to come up and a root from that purple one or even a bee could have polluted/pollinated our beautiful autumnal hued mum. That was certainly not the case because I don't buy purple flowers. 2.)Mums originally only came in like 2 colors...the rest of them are all hybrids. Today's hybrids are the results of endless crosses between several species from China and Japan. They can actually "revert" back to their original color at any time. Who knew? You may have but I am clueless when it comes to gardening.

I can't seem to escape the subject of genetics.

We all know that my crappy eggs are the reason I can't maintain a pregnancy. Like the mums, if I buy eggs from somebody else and mix them with H's sperm what am I going to get? I thought being pregnant was the most important thing since I feel like that is the only way I can heal from my miscarriages. I feel like a "do over" will be the only way for me to move on but I'm not sure anymore. I'm starting to get really sad about not having a genetic connection to my child. As much as I want to be pregnant, I am scared to death to play with genetics. I have already failed miserably with my own DNA but what happens when we bring a 3rd person into the mix? I don't want it to be purple mums all over again. I'm so scared to mess with a human life....in more ways than one. I think I would have a nervous breakdown if I had a failed DE cycle. We've already been through too much. There is just so much to think about and while I knew it was possible this day was coming, I now know that I am not prepared for it.

Six years

It was a gorgeous sunny day in the low 70s. The humidity was nonexistent and there was a slight breeze. I remember the big news story was still Hurricane Katrina even though it had happened almost a month earlier.

I was so very calm (not my personality)and simply beaming. I have never felt more like myself than I did on that day. People could not help but be happy in my presence. I was about to marry the love of my life and we were about to start our life together with a family of our own. I just knew I would be pregnant before our 1st anniversary. I didn't care if it was a boy or a girl but I did secretly hope for one of each at some point. I knew it might take a little longer for us than the average couple since I was pushing 35.

After our 1st anniversary, nothing happened. I got sick with a bad Crohn's flare and we had to put things on hold for another 2 years until I went back into remission. By that time, I was 37 and already considered old (reproductively speaking). In early 2008, we found out about the issues with the sperm and we were told IVF was our only option.

You should know everything that happened from then on. If not, check my archives.

Our marriage has been one struggle after another....mostly all health related. It has been 6 years of wishing and hoping and longing. Instead of being happy with our family of 2, we have been desperately trying to add more members. I know I said I had no regrets about what we have done and I still feel that way. But when I think back to that day 6 years ago, I almost feel like we have nothing to show for it.

Luckily, our marriage has survived all the shit that comes with infertility but I want to be that girl that I was on my wedding day again. I don't know how to do that but I want to be that happy and hopeful again...so does H. I'm praying we can figure it out together and we can find that happiness a different way.

Happy anniversary, H!

Going forward

Don't judge me but I subscribe to a daily email from Rev Run. Yes, the guy from run DMC. I really liked his show a few years ago on mtv and I jumped on his "Daily Word" bandwagon. It's basically an inspirational quote sent to your inbox every day. Sometimes they don't mean much to me and I hit delete. But some days, that damn email can really speak to me.

Like today....like the title of my post suggests, the tile of his email was "Going Forward" and it said "Good morning. A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually. One must fight for a life of action, not reaction."

Today...right now, going forward could mean a number of different paths. I don't know if we should pursue DE or adoption or foster care. I don't know if children are in our future. I suppose I should be very sure before we move forward. I know...I keep saying "I". H is probably ok with stopping everything. He is not sure he wants a baby without my DNA. He wants our baby to be beautiful like me. (His words-NOT MINE!)Let's be honest....he doesn't want to spend the money,either. It's a lot more than IVF and there is still a big chance it won't work. He is also not keen on adoption. Both of us are reluctant to start that process...it is so daunting. I know there are children out there who would be so lucky to have us and the life we could provide but there are so many couples competing for the same babies, anyway. I am sure there are loads of amazing couples who are much more confident in their choice to adopt. We don't need to be competition for them,either. That's not fair.

H would probably go along with whatever makes me happy. That is how he is. He makes most of the decisions when it comes to money and the work we do on the house,etc. but he usually defers to me about this stuff. It is really overwhelming to be making these types of decisions on my own. i.e going to all the NYC clinics, trying IVF so many times, trying DS. It's a pretty heavy burden to bear when it goes wrong,too. I have no one to blame but myself for the past 4 years...the heartache, the money that is gone,the toll it has taken on my body....on our relationship at times. There are things that we have said in the name of anger and hormones that can never be taken back. My head is spinning thinking about it. Yet, I have no regrets. If we didn't try, we would probably always wonder. I just wish we had our baby.

So, while I was struck by how profound the title of that email was, I have no clue what "going forward" means for us. I am going to save it in a folder somewhere or maybe I'll print it out and keep it in my wallet. I don't want to live my life by having a reaction to things that happen to me. I want to make things happen. I hope that someday soon I do have some answers and that I don't feel like we are stuck in a place we don't want to be. I guess we start slow, take it one day at a time and maybe the rest will unfold. Perhaps the actions will present themselves if we stop fighting our circumstances.

Not my happy ending....

IVF # 7 did not go down like I had hoped. Obviously, that means I am not pg. I'm ok. Sure, I'm sad but I'm so tired of this life. For nearly 4 years I have lived and breathed IVF. I have been living in a constant state of longing and I deserve better than that,so does my husband. We tried everything in our power to make this work and it's time to stop.

I don't know if we'll pursue DE-it really depends on the wait and if H and I decide we can handle it. The financial commitment is huge and I'm not sure I could handle a failure with someone else's eggs. If there is one thing this journey has taught me it's that there are no guarantees.

Tonight, I am going to eat the majority of a pan of brownies with frosting and tomorrow morning I'll start working out hardcore again. I may never be a Mom but at least I can look good.

Your guess is as good as mine....

I just want to know. I don't want to wait until tomorrow. I am thinking about buying a stick and testing myself. I think I need to rip the band aid off.....

Today, I have cramps along with the tummy troubles that come along with a visit from Flo. It could be because I have pantyhose on...I haven't worn them since like, May....maybe they are squeezing my colon too tightly. My boobs aren't really sore anymore, though and my nipples aren't big like all the other times I was pg. That was always a sure sign for me so I think I know how this is going to go.

The one thing I do have going for me is the fact that I'm not spotting yet. I always spot the day before my period and that happened during cycles #4 and #5, too. Cycle # 6 was a big fat failure and I got my period 6 days after my transfer so at least I've passed that mark......

I suppose my erratic behavior could also be considered a pg symptom at this point but it could be good old fashioned PMS on steroids (or estrogen and progesterone to be more precise). I yelled at my husband this morning...he was rushing around and doing a lot of banging and mumbling so I told him to get his shit together and stop "angry talking". I don't know what I meant by angry talking and neither did he because the look of confusion on his face as he repeated the words "angry talking" sent me into a fit of giggles that lasted for about 15 min. I probably have laughed that hard about 5 times in my whole life....I was making noises I didn't know I could make. As a matter of fact, every time I see that look in my head I LOL. That is how I do a mood swing.

Tomorrow is not only my beta day but it is significant in other ways,too. It's the 4 year anniversary of the passing of H's favorite uncle. They were very close. His wife is H's godmother and her and I are a lot alike. She was never able to have children and I know she regrets it so she is very sensitive to what we have been through. She has always been very supportive of me and H and she does not hide the fact that we are her favorites in the family. I know she wants this for us and I can only imagine H's uncle does,too. It would be so unbelievably perfect if we find out tomorrow that I am pregnant.

Also, tomorrow is "peace day". I have never heard of it but after a quick visit to Google I'm up to speed.

From the official "Peace Day" website:

"The International Day of Peace ("Peace Day") provides an opportunity for individuals, organizations and nations to create practical acts of peace on a shared date. It was established by a United Nations resolution in 1981 to coincide with the opening of the General Assembly."

"Peace Day should be devoted to commemorating and strengthening the ideals of peace both within and among all nations and peoples…"

"International Day of Peace is also a Day of Ceasefire – personal or political. Take this opportunity to make peace in your own relationships as well as impact the larger conflicts of our time."

BINGO....my connection.

I'm no hippie...sure, world peace would be great but I'll admit that it's not the focus of my prayers. So, I'm choosing to apply it to my own personal relationships as stated above. Specifically, my relationship with IF and my body with it's poor quality eggs.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if my body decided to make peace with me and just get pregnant already? Maybe Uncle Charlie can help work on that,too. Perhaps he can speak to the angels or whoever is in charge up there and see to it that I have a strong, healthy beta tomorrow. I think that would make his nephew and his widow very happy....me too.

Pray for me, people.

2 more days

And I am a hot mess. I still haven't worked out since before my retrieval. I figured I'd try something new by not exercising and see if it works. All it's doing is making me feel like a fat slob. My weight is down but I feel so jiggly. Ewww. I also have some ugly dark circles under my eyes and a fever blister. WTF? When was I sick? I'm feeling extremely unattractive and I think I may have a nervous breakdown if I find out I am this ugly for no good reason(a baby would be a good reason).

Symptoms are coming and going and I don't know what to make of it all. I'm not really that concerned. It is what it is at this point. I'll just deal when I get the news. I may not be feeling quite as positive as I have been, though.....

Such a colossal mindfuck.....

This is where it gets tough

6dp3dt. The HCG shot is definitely out of my system by now but it's a little too early to feel pregnancy symptoms yet. There is so much second guessing at this stage!

I have a cramp and I'm sure I'm not pregnant. I crave chocolate and I'm not pregnant. I fart or bawl or giggle uncontrollably and I think I'm pregnant. My cravings went from pizza and cheesy Mexican food to turkey dinner with stuffing and gravy. I want it to be Thanksgiving so bad it physically aches. The soreness of my boobs changes hourly...as does the crampiness....just like my opinion on whether this is going to happen or not.

I will share with you a few very unusual instances from today that make me think this is possible(for the moment).

I eat strawberries every day. In season,out of season-doesn't matter. I eat them every morning with cottage cheese for my mid-morning snack. (I'm a total grazer...little snacks all day long)This morning, they tasted so sour to me that I could barely choke them down. I had to hold my nose to finish my snack. They tasted fine yesterday and they came from the same package. WTF?

Everything is tasting funny to me...the water at work tastes like metal and my pineapple at lunch tasted like motor oil.

The best part of my day was when someone at work asked me if I lost weight today...I have been losing weight for about a year now but she said I look even thinner and really good, really healthy. Her eyes got wide and she said: "Wait, are you pregnant? You look like you are glowing!" I am not sure how looking like I lost weight = being in the family way (Maybe if my ass doubled in size I could see how she could ask that)but it made me so happy, I almost cried. This is a woman who is most definitely not privy to my IVF hi jinks...no one at work is, actually. She doesn't even work in the same department so it's not like she sees me coming in late or taking time off. Maybe she knows something I don't.....I'd like to think so. I mean, some people just have a knack for that sort of thing. I do. I knew my sis was pg with my niece 2 days after she took a test...she didn't tell me until a month later but I knew. I won't bore you with more proof but my record is fanfuckingtastic.

Of course this could all be due to the estrogen and progesterone that I'm taking...or because Flo is imminent...or because I am probably peri-menopausal.

*sigh* See what I mean?

Week 1: killed it!

This time next week I'll know if lucky cycle 7 worked. Beta day is 1 week from today: September 21st. That's 3 days before our 6th wedding anniversary. Hoping we are blessed with the best kind of anniversary gift for our 6th year together. The traditional gifts for the 6th year of marriage are iron and sugar. How about a sweet little baby with healthy levels of iron in his/her blood?

I'm faring quite well so far. I still have some symptoms (sore boobs, mood swings, peeing 5 times at night....that's NOT a misprint. 5.times.every.night. ) so I am not freaking out yet. I have some really unusual things going on that I can't say I have experienced before....some a little TMI but I'm going to go for it and share them with you.

I have been waking up in the middle of the night with leg cramps...charlie horses in my calves. I haven't had a charlie horse in about 20 years. Maybe it's because I haven't been exercising but I've taken breaks from my workout routine before.

I am craving pizza and Mexican food. I normally don't touch the stuff...too unhealthy. I'll eat pizza maybe 4 times a year, if that. And if I do eat Mexican food, it's a salad (minus the rice) from Chipotle. That would not satisfy me right now. I want beef tacos loaded with cheese and guacamole. Come to think of it...I'd probably eat my favorite pair of shoes if they were smothered in cheese. I have not indulged just yet but I sure have been dreaming about it.

Speaking of dreams....I had such an interesting dream last night involving Vince from Entourage (such a good kisser) and Mcsteamy (not so bad,either). Nope, not a threesome...I was just a cheater. It's bad enough that I had the dream but I have been giddy all day thinking about it. Imagine trying to decide between the 2 of them!

That's it for now. I'm not sure if I can count any of these things as symptoms at just 4dp3dt. Honestly, I know better than to read into anything, anyway. Bring on week 2!