Flo tricked me...Cycle #6 begins on the day I preferred it didn't

I shouldn't be surprised....

When you are involved in any sort of advanced reproductive technology, Sunday is a very bad day for Flo to show. No one is around on a Sunday. Definitely not at the smaller local clinics but even in the large clinics, they run on a skeleton crew after morning monitoring is over and you cannot get anyone on the phone unless you use the answering service.

Cornell does not have a monitoring message mailbox, so you have to call the answering service and speak to a person who knows nothing about ART and you have to try to explain why you are calling. It really is like giving them a lesson, sometimes. Here is a sample of one side of a conversation I had around 3pm: "I am calling because I got my period. Yes, today...soooooooo..I am calling to tell you I will be there tomorrow for b/w & u/s. Ummm...between 7 and 9. No, there's more. I also need to know if I need to take my last shot...yes...that IS a medication question. Ok, yes...have someone call me back."

Ugh. About 30 min. later the nurse called. I was brief...she was brief. Final result: I take my last Ganirelix...leave my current Climara patch on even though I should be changing it tomorrow and I'll be on the road by 4am. I was really not expecting to have to drive to NYC on a Monday morning. So, I am getting my things together and my outfit ready and then heading to bed. What a lame ass Halloween!

That old familiar prick....

No...not an ex-boyfriend. I'm talking about needle pricks. My 1st shot for cycle #6! Ganirelix for suppression.

I really think I've lost the plot because I have actually been looking forward to it. Not because I like the pain or anything (if you are into that...that's cool, just not my thing)but I find some sort of comfort in the routine, I suppose.

I am always so hopeful in the beginning....before the 1st follie check...before I can obsess about my E2 levels...before I feel like I am already carrying quintuplets because my ovaries and the surrounding reproductive organs are so bloated. The shots make me feel like I am doing something...working towards my goal...instead of just sitting around waiting for a miracle. I would love to have that miracle break cycle BFP but in all my years on the infertility message boards, I can count the # of times I have seen that happen on 2 fingers. So, the shots give me control and I like control so I like shots. I just had a flashback of proofs from Math II. You remember proofs: a convincing demonstration (within the accepted standards of the field) that some mathematical statement is necessarily true. (Extra credit for knowing the def. because I suck at math!)

Anyway, now, I wait for Flo. She should be around before the weekend is over. Weekends and holidays are her favorite time to visit.

Later! :)

$37.00 stickers

That's what I am wearing today. Patch #1 is in place. I change them every other day until my period. $37.00 per patch....I had to buy at least 4 of them. How I wish they let me have the generics like last time. I think I paid $45. for a box of 4. Hopefully, they don't come off in the shower this time...or give me a wicked rash again.

Tomorrow, I start my ganirelix shots...1 per day until my period. In a perfect world, I would get Flo Sat. and have to be in the city Sunday but I'm not that lucky. And....I'm not sure that would give me enough days on the estrogen. Whatever happens is fine...I'll deal with it. I just want my body to make me a baby!

I guess my baseline appointment will be Monday or Tuesday. This time they are making me go to the NYC office. No messing around with the satellite offices. I guess they want to watch me closely.

Could it be that the estrogen is already making me bitchy? After a mere 12 hours stuck to my lower tummy? I have been a little short with H. Poor man. He's had it so good since I started the Prozac. I should warn him not to let his guard down just in case......

I'll be sure to let you know what happens :)

Butterflies in my stomach

Tomorrow it begins. Again. For the 6th time. I will be doing my 4th different protocol. I can honestly say I've tried them all now. I'm hoping this EPP/ Microdose Flare does the trick.

Who knew I would become a professional IVFer? Not me. If I knew 3 years ago how far I would need to travel, how much money I would spend and how much heartache was involved, I may have done things differently. Don't get me wrong...I'm more optimistic than I have been in a long time but a part of me feels like my life has been on hold and that I have missed so much.

In some ways, I'm looking forward to this cycle. I have a renewed sense of hope thanks to the extra procedure.... and NYC in the fall is my favorite place to be. I am even looking forward to waking up at 3am and driving to the city for my monitoring appts. Crazy,right? It's just so peaceful that early in the am. There's something soothing about having no contact with anyone else and just being alone with your thoughts for a few hours. Maybe I'll even see another movie star in the waiting room.....

I should be writing much more regularly now that things are in motion. Stay tuned,friends......

The Girl Who Cried Wolf

When I started this blog last February, I told you how I was getting ready to embark on my 5th and final IVF cycle. I think I must have convinced myself that it had to work because it was our last shot. You know how that turned out...what you might not know is that it led us down a path we didn't quite expect.

With a heavy heart, I was fully prepared to stop all treatments at that point...it seemed like we were wasting time, money and happiness and it felt insane. H had a few tests over the summer that showed that we might not be able to overcome his sperm issues with ICSI. A part of me wants to kick myself because I let RE after RE covince me that my eggs were the problem. They still could be but the bottom line is that H's chances have decreased dramatically. So, we have decided to add about $2000.00 to our IVF bill to try and combat his issues. I am going to cycle again with an added procedure in the hopes that it will work this time.

I'm hoping you will join me again. I cannot promise a happy ending but I can promise that you will get the whole story....just like that last time.

Thanks for reading!

Prozac is a girl's best friend.

Screw diamonds....they never made me this happy!

Ok, that is an exaggeration. Everyone knows I love diamonds.

I resisted psych meds for years. I fought my way through a really serious bout with Crohn's. A flare that kept me out of work for nearly a year as a matter of fact and sent me into a deep depression. I swore I would not put anything extra and unnecessary in my body,though. I was always of the mindset that less is more when it comes to drugs. God knows I've taken enough meds in the past 14 years to rot my insides but since nothing else seemed to help (the thousands I have spent on acupuncture and massage or the relaxation/meditation/mindful prayer CDs)I have given in. Turns out it may have been necessary.....

It's been 3 weeks and I don't feel hopeless about our future. Am I still sad that we don't have a child and about my miscarriages? You bet. But I have actually had some really happy moments....the likes of which I have not seen in years. I never knew what people meant when they said you need to live in the moment because my anxiety wouldn't let me. I still think about our next steps but I am much less obsessive about it. As much as I hate to admit it, I wish I listened to my Dr. earlier instead of trying to be the tough girl that I would like to think I am.

Prozac commercial over.